Friday, May 30, 2008

I did sleep

So I did end up sleeping about 4 to 5:30. I even ate breakfast before going to bed... that was fun. I don't think I have ever done that before.

So my wife is coming to the house today to get some things. She wanted me to leave but I am working so I have to be at home. I will be locked in my office while she is here, by her request. I guess I am more of a stress on her then I imagined. I seem to look at simple quarrels between people a lot different now that I have had so many other issues with myself. Having a disagreement isn't the end of the world. It felt that way before a lot. Because it is the simple things in life that make it worth living right? For a long time I thought the little things are what made life. I know now that is not true. The little things make life great but without the big complicated emotional and social connections, life is really just empty.

Ok... to much deep shit for just a simple blog post. I will leave that to the my big blogs that take like an hour to write and I read over about ten times before posting.

I don't know how I will feel with her in the next room and me not being able to talk with her or see her. It will be strange. But, that is the way it has to be now. because neither one of us can handle it right now. Her because of stress and me because of emotions. We are in the exact same place...LOST. Well I will write later on how it goes. I don't know when she is going to be here. I only know after 9am... it is 10 am now so maybe any moment. I had to leave a note for her... there are things that need splitting and she needs to decide on that stuff too. I even took the time this morning to move a few of my things so she doesn't know everything that is going on in my life. I don't know why I did this... maybe I want to get past not sharing everything little.

Have a good day everyone. I will try to do the same.

Andrew

Sleepless

So, I haven't slept... I got caught up on my forums and I didn't go to bed... now I have to work in just over two hours and I am thinking it might be easier to just stay awake.

I haven't done the not sleeping all night thing in a long time. I don't know how this is going to work. I have never done it before a work day before. If I sleep now I will not want to wake up. If I stay awake I will pass out before my day is done. hmmm.. I would rather pass out today. I will make sure I take a good shower before I have to start working. One of the cats has been sleeping fine on the computer desk all night. The other cats have been in just to see what is going on then leave again. Nothing exciting to them about me sitting in my chair typing on forums and reading specs on Bluetooth headsets. The company is letting us pick some up for use on our blackberries. I am looking in to what ones work best.

On to more forums. Just thought I would post a blog about my sleepless night.

Pray for a slow work day.


Andrew

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Time to blog again...

Ok... so I have decided to continue what I started about true friends.

I had to stop in the middle of this before because I hit a mental dead end... Writers block you might say, but not really because it wasn't not being about to write it was not being about to get past the last thought I had. "What makes a true friend"?

I have been thinking of this for a while. It all started about a week ago when I put on this friendship bracelet that someone very close to me made a long time ago. I found it buried in some computer junk I was going through to pack what was worth keeping.

When I put it on I thought it would remind me of her and I would act better. That didn't work very well because I still did things that hurt her and that hurt me. After last weekend I know look at this bracelet with new purpose. It isn't to remind me of that friend; it is to remind me to be a friend, a good friend. You see I can't be a friend to this person anymore. I love her to much and it hurts to much to think of that right now. I have had to let that friendship go as well. That adds to the overall pain but it allows me to be a better person right now. The person I need to be for now. I still hope that I have not lost this friendship forever but I know right now that isn't something I can think about.

Like I said I am looking at this bracelet not as a reminder of the person but of the idea of what a friend should be. This is one of the hardest things I have ever tried to put in to words. It isn't easy to describe a true friend. I have many that I don't even know are true friends. I say this because many times they are with you and you don't know because neither of you had been in a situation where a true friend was required. It is almost like a trial by fire, you have to prove that you are a true friend. I know this is a hard concept to put in to writing. I didn't do a good job if it here. I will have to revisit this topic again sometime in the future when I am wiser and can better describe what it takes to be a friend.

We all have friends many of us treat friends like we can get a thousand more where they came from, but you can't. Great friends that are there for you through anything are really in short supply. I find myself with more great friends these days then I knew I had before. I am lucky.

I find myself thinking of another topic now. I have not only been finding friends, I am finding strengths and feelings within me that I didn't know could exist. When I had my breakdown, I opened myself for the first time in my life to the world. I would have never dreamed of writing something like this before. I was not someone who would share thoughts and feelings. I would only share small bits and pieces here and there as I thought I needed to keep the image of myself how I wanted it to be seen. It was a piece of my shell. Today, I have a new shell, me. I am not hiding real self anymore I am expanding who I am by not holding my emotions and thoughts in complete isolation as I have done before. I said complete isolation, if you didn't hold yourself back in some way you would be out of control.

I was out of control for some weeks after my breakdown. Looking back I don't even remember most of it and what I do remember was not something I want to experience again. I remember it as if I was watching myself, I feel like I wasn't really me. Even the images I remember are of me sitting on the floor near the couch and I am looking at myself. Not in a mirror but from outside myself. It is the strangest feeling in the world to remember looking at yourself as if you were anther person. I am glad to be back in myself again. I am not the same person because I have grown and I am going to be a better person.

Well to all of you friends out there, Thank you for being a friend to whomever you are a friend to. You mean more than you know to them as my friend mean everything to me. I am working on being a better friend for all of you.

Andrew

Monday, May 26, 2008

New Horizons

Today I am working on plans for my future. It is looking brighter and brighter every time I work on them. You see I didn't have high hopes for my future without the one I love in it. That future has now been decided, it doesn't exist. It took a while to look past that and start seeing what future you can have when all I have done for years is look to that future and that future only. It turns out that my future I was looking forward to isn't one that was all that nice. It might have been at some point, but it would have taken a long time. Now, I am not thinking just because things are changing that everything is going to be perfect. I know it is going to take a long time for me to get back where I was. To make up the ground I lost because of this change. If this change is done correctly, it will help make that time a lot less. I know I haven't taken this change very well and I have done very stupid things and made decisions at times I should have just done nothing. But that is what humans do, we make decisions some good some bad. It is free will. We have to live with all of those decisions.

The fall out usually isn't good but we have to live with that. That is part of having that free will. We have two choices is things go wrong, run from it, or deal with it. I was a runner for a long time. I wasn't a direct runner; I covered everything up kept it secret and hidden. But this was still running from it. I have to deal with everything. It built up for so long my cover cracked and I was nearly drowned by it. I am working on ways to deal with everything, I will never be back to covering it up. I am going to make myself the best person I can. I am gong to be the social person I never was, and I am going to be the good friend I never was before. I am also going to try being a brother and a son like never before. I will have to take baby steps as I am still an "emotional infant" (my bothers words). I will learn fast because I understand things I didn't before. I see things I never dreamed before.

I now see my own personal potential. My potential, not to succeed in my career, but in my life. I see possibilities that were never even in my dreams before. This is a good day. I know not every day will not be good. But everyday will be better now.

Today is my day!!!! Today is the day I am the better person for once and not respond to what annoys me, or what makes no sense. I will not be who I have been when it comes to life. Because life hasn't given me slack so why should I give it slack.

Today is full of new goals and new plans and new hopes. Today is now.

Andrew

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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Real Friends
Current mood: understimulated
Category: Friends
The word Friend:

1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: "friends of the Boston Symphony."

3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: "Who goes there? Friend or foe?"



I am not a friend. I have never been a friend to anyone. I have friends and had friends. But I have not been a friend. Never have I completely made my self available as a friend. Even now after all I have seen and experienced I still can not look at my self as a friend.

I am going to change this. I am going to make me better to make my friends better. Because who are we without friends. Sometimes love comes and goes, but friends are forever. I still remember my first friend. My mom always took her home from school during kindergarten. We always played the same song off a tape in our big blue van. I still remember the feelings of friendship. I was so young then and I didn't have the weight of the world on me and things were simple. When you were young you didn't hold grudges for weeks only seconds. The words mad and angry only applied to short periods of time. Today those words span years and decades. Why can't we be like kids and forget what others have done to us. We say we act like adults but sometimes kids are more truly adult then we are. I know this is the way everyone is in this world but I try not to let things get to me. If they do it usually only takes a few hours for me to get over it. That didn't happen with my heart break. It got in me and stuck in me and I am still trying to get over it.

This all started on April 14th. That is the day I lost control, I broke down. It took over two weeks and medication to get me back to my right mind. But that just got me to a point where I can start working on my emotions. I am now over three weeks in to that and I still haven't gotten far. I still need help almost every day to stay afloat. But I am happy that I am working at it.

My heart didn't break until May 7th. That was the day my wife told me she didn't have feelings for me anymore. That is the day that everything I wanted in life changed. Before that day everything in my life was about her. Everything I did in my life was for her. Even the selfish things I did were about her in some way. Maybe I just wanted to make her proud of me. maybe I just wanted her to respect me. Maybe I just wanted to impress her. At some point doing everything wasn't enough. She stopped getting what she wanted from me. Maybe I should have been a friend.

So what is a friend. We can debate that for a long time. None of us have the exact blueprint for a friend. But we all know the best friends we have. We just know who they are.....................

For some reason I have lost my thoughts on this subject right now. I will pick this up in a later post.

May we all be great friends.

Andrew

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Never try to hard

Just when you think you have everything under control and you can start getting things back to the new normal. You try to be a friend in the best why you know how, but you do it for the right reasons but the wrong way. Then your friendship is over. Just like that someone can decide that you are not worth the trouble. That what you done isn't worth dealing with anymore. That same person who once said they loved you and cared about you would do things just to piss you off. To be the exact child they were complaining you were and say they were the only one acting like an adult.

I have been a child for a long time. I haven't needed to be anything more because no one demanded it of me. Human nature will always take the easier path. Growing up is the hard path to take. It takes you places you have never been. as it scares the hell out of me. I am trying to be an adult now that I have broken down and know my life can't continue without becoming one. Learning the hard lesions and losing a lot. As of this morning I lost not only the woman I love but I have lost my best friend. Because I tried to hard, to fast to become a great friend. That takes time and time will be the only thing that will repair our friendship. I was trying to fix a friendship that wasn't broken. And by trying to fix it I broke it. I can't let anyone forgive me because I won't forgive myself. I am adding to my sadness. And pushing her away.

I want to send her this post but if I did she wouldn't read it. It would be stepping across a boundary that was set this morning. I am fighting the urge to call her or drive to her and talk. I just want her to know my feelings. I want her to know that I do care. I guess right now all I can do is nothing. I can just sit here typing to the world and hope the world responds. I will not do what I want to do any more. I will do what I need to do. Right now I need to put my life as a married child behind me and move on with life as an adult. What does that mean? I don't know yet, but right now I don't have much to choose. I have to take the path that is best not the easiest.

Right now my path from this point looks like this. I am packing up my house this week. Next week I will be working toward getting rid of the house via a short sale with my bank and i will need to find a place to stay. I will most likely move all my stuff in to storage. Travel light for a while. This will not last forever. I will need to get a place to stay cheep fast. And then rebuild my credit from all of this and move on with my life.

This is my plan. I hope it works.

Andrew

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Gossip

NEVER SHARE GOSSIP!!! Especially over text or email when it is about the person you are sending it to. The only thing it gets you is more hardship. People take one thing the wrong way and they will never get past that for the rest of the email or conversation and longer.

Many things have happened to me in the last month or so. Some of you know what is going on some of you don't. I am getting divorced. The fallout of that has been earthshaking. It effects everything you do and say. My wife and I are trying to do this on good ground and stay friends. Of course that is hard to do when everything, even yourself, is working against you. Yeah, I am my own worst enemy. I cause more rifts when not trying to and for a while at first as my way of coping I did it intentionally. Because I don't fully understand why I am getting divorced. I know that my wife and I have not had a great relationship. (Who really has?) I know that she doesn't have the feelings for me that she used to and I know that she isn't happy. But those are the reasons, I am looking for the reasons of the reasons. I am looking for the why these reasons exist. I may never know that answer. but that answer could be the key to knowing, if there is a next time, how to change things, how to fix it. That is what us men have been bred and cultured to do. To fix anything that needs it. Trying to fix relationships is a bad idea.

I have always had a hard time with understanding how other people think. Most of the time I can figure out how they think but can't figure out why so then I can't understand. I amaze people sometimes with what I remember. But most people don't realize it isn't what i remember, it is the way i think that amazes them. Most of what I am able to talk about isn't from direct knowledge... it is from knowing how to deduct the knowledge from what I already know. It is putting 2 and 2 together. So when people are trying to talk with me sometimes I put things together and share the end result and of course no one knows what i am talking about at that point. I find myself backtracking to get the whole mess cleaned up. But sometimes it causes a big rift. This rift can end the conversation before it can be corrected and then it is just that a rift and nothing can be done about it. This is my real communication flaw. I have no way of telling people how I get to the answers I get to. Sometimes it is straight from the gut.

I have a new goal today. I am going to start communicating from directly from my heart whenever I can. I am going to stop putting my flawed thinking structure between it and the person I am speaking. Because it doesn't help when it comes to emotional sharing. Plus my mind takes too long to decipher the emotion in to useful thoughts. I guess that is flaw number two.

Emotion has never been a natural thing for me. In my direct opinion, I didn't even have tangible emotion until just a few weeks ago. I have even scared myself several times in my life when I didn't feel emotion at a point in life when a person should have. I was truly scared that I couldn't have a real emotional response. I have shared that info with one person in my life up to this point. Now things are different. I am so filled with emotion that I am spilling over. I am a Pandora's box and I never want to be closed. The pure bliss of feeling emotion at this level is amazing. At first my emotions consisted of being sad, depressed, and angry. I didn't feel love or happiness. I didn't see anything to be happy about. I am more happy now. I am happy that I am alive, that I can survive this divorce and move on, that I have friends, and that my wife can now be happy now. Not everything is good I still am hurting because of the loss and I cry a lot. But now know that loss isn't going to end my life like I thought before. Friends and family and yourself are your life. Nothing can take that away completely.

I hope your days went well. I am still trying to find my way to that good day.

Andrew

Friday, May 23, 2008

Finding Friends

I didn't want to clutter up a great post like the last one with stuff about a party so I am writing another post.

Good friends are hard to find. There are thousands of them out there yet it is almost impossible to find them. Sometimes you get lucky and run in to a huge group of them all at once. I think that happened to me yesterday. A friend introduced me to a new group of people. There were a lot of good people in that group. We drank and talked and just had fun. I remember having fun like that with friends before but this was different. This was a group that didn't even know who I was and they treated me as I had been there for years or was that just me who felt that way. No way to know. I just had fun I relaxed and let most of my worries go. I focused on that point in time not the past not the future but right there right then. And that was what made it fun. So I have a headache from last night yet. I had a little beer and I am not used to that anymore it has been a while sense I have drank like that. Well I know I am not going to make that an every week thing. But I am going to do it more often because friends can't be left to drink all the beer alone.

Andrew

Great days ahead

Two day have pasted without me completely falling apart. It is a new record sense, what I will call for lack of a better description, my breakdown. Friends are the reason I haven't fallen apart again. They are also the reason, if I have the will power, I won't fall apart again.

My friends even the newest ones showed me that even when you feel like you are at the bottom there is still so much to be happy about. I meet new friends this weekend. Still no one as young as me but that it ok, because you can't learn as much from someone with so little experience in the world. I rarely have a true chance to speak from experience about life as I am still at the beginning.

Before now I looked at my divorce as an end of the life I started. But it isn't an end it is just another step. I am now taking this step like I did all my other ones, head first. But one thing will change, I won't ever jump again without first really having conversations with those affected and putting deep and meaningful thought in to the decisions. I now see you can't coast down the road of life and just steer, You have to DRIVE.

I hope everyone has a save and happy drive.

Andrew

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Thoughts after a good day

For every bad day someone has they need at least one good day to follow it up. If this didn't happen and everyday was bad eventually life wouldn't be worth the trouble and you would just stop trying. That is when people spiral in to complete ruin and become one of those people they never wanted to be. We all know several of these people they may even be your friends or even the ones you love and you may not know who they are. Because many of these people try extremely hard to cover up who they have become.

You see I see myself as one of these people. I didn't get to that point because of bad days after bad days. I got there by not being satisfied with what I was thinking and feeling and doing every day. But there is one other thing different I never realized that I had given up because I can't remember trying. I have come a long way from that point because of the person I fell in love with. Loving that person gave me the strength and the reason to become better. I did become better but I still have a long road ahead of me.

I have a saying that I use often. "Every time you think you know enough, you learn that you don't know enough." This can be applied to everything school, work, even life. Because if you ever find yourself at the point where you are at the end of a learning path, then you haven't went far enough. It is a direct meaning from the truth that you can never catch the horizon. It is an endless chase. I was in that spot, where I didn't know what else there was to learn about life. Then all of a sudden life showed me the new horizon to chase and I realized I just wasn't looking hard enough to see it.

Life will always be a leaning experience if you let it teach you.

Andrew

Another nearly sleepless night

Yet again I am awake way to early in the morning. I spend more hours awake between 2 am and 6 am then I get work done between 7 am to 4 pm. Tonight it is heart burn and heart ache. I am continuing to screw-up a friendship that all I want to do is leave alone for a short time to make it better when I am truly ready to be a friend. One of these days I hope they create something that allows us to know what others are thinking. Because sometimes asking doesn't work. A lot of of the bad stuff that happens between friends or couples are misunderstandings that never get resolved because either one or both parties don't communicate or don't know how. Right now, I don't know how. So every time I try it doesn't end in understanding just more confusion and heart ache.

From yesterdays post, I am trying to become better. Trying to become better at communicating and having to communicate to others that you are trying to learn how to better communicate is an impossible feet. An impossible feet that if pulled off will make you rethink learning anything because you just did the impossible. What else is there to learn?

Take it from me, a young male that grew up miles from the closest small midwestern town, not learning social skills while young will destroy almost every relationship, even friendships, until you take a step back from them and truly learn how to communicate. This step back will not come without creating more misunderstandings and more issues. But if your friends are truly good friends they will try to understand. As you must try to understand if they don't' understand.

Yeah, this is not rocket science, but there aren't any easy answers or simple solutions to these life issues. Experience is really the key to dealing with these. Whether you get it on your own or by talking with others who have learned already. You have to learn this not for others but for yourself. And there might be many out there that disagree with this but sometimes taking a short break from a friend or even the person you love is really needed and is just what it says it is a break not an end.

Hope you all slept better than me,

Andrew

Anyone want to comment on these little ideas?
"When two people can't communicate assumptions are all that can exist."
"If you are not happy as you, you + one = more unhappiness"

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

A better day

Today I started on the right foot. (well maybe I don't know which foot hit the ground first) I started today with a short list of positive things and I have keep running them through my mind when I have time to think. You know, thinking about positive things makes the day go better. Because everything looks more positive when you do. Even the really bad stuff, even the stuff that hurts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I am a male in his mid 20s and I shouldn't be sharing all this touchy feely stuff. That culture driven stereo-type isn't all that great. It teaches all us males that feelings are not something to embrace, to share, or to let effect our lives. Well some of us find out the hard way that falling in to this social, culture stereo-type can kill everything that is good in our lives. Finding this out causes even fewer of us to change our lives to make ourselves better people and better men.

It is amazing what life can teach you if you are willing. I haven't been very willing in years past but when you have an epiphany moment your thoughts, feelings, and even beliefs can change. Someday I will be better, because I know I am working toward that goal.

That is all for now… maybe I will want to type again at the end of my day.

Monday, May 19, 2008

My first post about a bad day.

So today I had a really bad day.
First, I woke up way way to early. Then, getting ready for work wasn't easy, seemed to always be forgetting something in everything I did. I ended up not having time for breakfast even though I was up early. The drive to work was boring. Then, I was messing around with settings on my Facebook account and sent relationship change requests to people I never meant to. (That bit me in the ass later in the day.) We weren't busy today so I didn't have to spend every second trying to catch up. So I had time to think. I really started to feel sorry for myself and started to get stressed out about my life and where it was going to go from here. Later, after I was able to talk with my father for support my day got better for a little while. Then I made a smart decision for once today but even that didn't go great. Then I went home. And on the way home I nearly fell apart and I had to call someone who would listen and help me cope and I started to feel better. That is where I am now, better not good.

Thank you for all who supported me today. I hope I can return the favor someday when I am finally good.

Andrew