Saturday, May 24, 2008


NEVER SHARE GOSSIP!!! Especially over text or email when it is about the person you are sending it to. The only thing it gets you is more hardship. People take one thing the wrong way and they will never get past that for the rest of the email or conversation and longer.

Many things have happened to me in the last month or so. Some of you know what is going on some of you don't. I am getting divorced. The fallout of that has been earthshaking. It effects everything you do and say. My wife and I are trying to do this on good ground and stay friends. Of course that is hard to do when everything, even yourself, is working against you. Yeah, I am my own worst enemy. I cause more rifts when not trying to and for a while at first as my way of coping I did it intentionally. Because I don't fully understand why I am getting divorced. I know that my wife and I have not had a great relationship. (Who really has?) I know that she doesn't have the feelings for me that she used to and I know that she isn't happy. But those are the reasons, I am looking for the reasons of the reasons. I am looking for the why these reasons exist. I may never know that answer. but that answer could be the key to knowing, if there is a next time, how to change things, how to fix it. That is what us men have been bred and cultured to do. To fix anything that needs it. Trying to fix relationships is a bad idea.

I have always had a hard time with understanding how other people think. Most of the time I can figure out how they think but can't figure out why so then I can't understand. I amaze people sometimes with what I remember. But most people don't realize it isn't what i remember, it is the way i think that amazes them. Most of what I am able to talk about isn't from direct knowledge... it is from knowing how to deduct the knowledge from what I already know. It is putting 2 and 2 together. So when people are trying to talk with me sometimes I put things together and share the end result and of course no one knows what i am talking about at that point. I find myself backtracking to get the whole mess cleaned up. But sometimes it causes a big rift. This rift can end the conversation before it can be corrected and then it is just that a rift and nothing can be done about it. This is my real communication flaw. I have no way of telling people how I get to the answers I get to. Sometimes it is straight from the gut.

I have a new goal today. I am going to start communicating from directly from my heart whenever I can. I am going to stop putting my flawed thinking structure between it and the person I am speaking. Because it doesn't help when it comes to emotional sharing. Plus my mind takes too long to decipher the emotion in to useful thoughts. I guess that is flaw number two.

Emotion has never been a natural thing for me. In my direct opinion, I didn't even have tangible emotion until just a few weeks ago. I have even scared myself several times in my life when I didn't feel emotion at a point in life when a person should have. I was truly scared that I couldn't have a real emotional response. I have shared that info with one person in my life up to this point. Now things are different. I am so filled with emotion that I am spilling over. I am a Pandora's box and I never want to be closed. The pure bliss of feeling emotion at this level is amazing. At first my emotions consisted of being sad, depressed, and angry. I didn't feel love or happiness. I didn't see anything to be happy about. I am more happy now. I am happy that I am alive, that I can survive this divorce and move on, that I have friends, and that my wife can now be happy now. Not everything is good I still am hurting because of the loss and I cry a lot. But now know that loss isn't going to end my life like I thought before. Friends and family and yourself are your life. Nothing can take that away completely.

I hope your days went well. I am still trying to find my way to that good day.