Sunday, May 25, 2008

Never try to hard

Just when you think you have everything under control and you can start getting things back to the new normal. You try to be a friend in the best why you know how, but you do it for the right reasons but the wrong way. Then your friendship is over. Just like that someone can decide that you are not worth the trouble. That what you done isn't worth dealing with anymore. That same person who once said they loved you and cared about you would do things just to piss you off. To be the exact child they were complaining you were and say they were the only one acting like an adult.

I have been a child for a long time. I haven't needed to be anything more because no one demanded it of me. Human nature will always take the easier path. Growing up is the hard path to take. It takes you places you have never been. as it scares the hell out of me. I am trying to be an adult now that I have broken down and know my life can't continue without becoming one. Learning the hard lesions and losing a lot. As of this morning I lost not only the woman I love but I have lost my best friend. Because I tried to hard, to fast to become a great friend. That takes time and time will be the only thing that will repair our friendship. I was trying to fix a friendship that wasn't broken. And by trying to fix it I broke it. I can't let anyone forgive me because I won't forgive myself. I am adding to my sadness. And pushing her away.

I want to send her this post but if I did she wouldn't read it. It would be stepping across a boundary that was set this morning. I am fighting the urge to call her or drive to her and talk. I just want her to know my feelings. I want her to know that I do care. I guess right now all I can do is nothing. I can just sit here typing to the world and hope the world responds. I will not do what I want to do any more. I will do what I need to do. Right now I need to put my life as a married child behind me and move on with life as an adult. What does that mean? I don't know yet, but right now I don't have much to choose. I have to take the path that is best not the easiest.

Right now my path from this point looks like this. I am packing up my house this week. Next week I will be working toward getting rid of the house via a short sale with my bank and i will need to find a place to stay. I will most likely move all my stuff in to storage. Travel light for a while. This will not last forever. I will need to get a place to stay cheep fast. And then rebuild my credit from all of this and move on with my life.

This is my plan. I hope it works.