Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Existence is Futile?

A few moons have passed since I sat down with enough time or inspiration to blog. It seems these days I am busy doing a lot of nothing. I seem to have found what many people call a rut. The thing is that nothing has really changed from when I wasn't in a rut to now being in a rut. The question that is staring me right in the face and that has been on my mind... "WHAT THE F"?

Let’s start at the beginning. I feel I am fairly typical young man living in the US. I go to work to make money to live on. I make enough to have what I need to live on plus a little extra to have fun with and buy things I want. Of course there isn't enough money in the world to buy everything you want. I have friends I hang out with. I have hobbies to keep be busy in my free time. I am generally happy with my life. As with anyone there are things we are unhappy with, things we need to work on. But those things are what keep us striving to be better. Force us to grow as people. So why do I feel as if I am in a rut? I have been thinking about this question for a few days now. I have come up with several possible hypothesis. None, of course, are truly provable as the real answer, they are merely explorations in to the question.

What if the reason I feel like I am in a rut is because I started thinking about why I was in a rut? Chicken or an egg anyone? If nothing changed but my feelings then doesn't it suggest that all of this is just in my head? I have had effects like this on myself in the past. To get out of school once I pretended to be sick. My act became reality and I got sick to the point I missed two days of school and it wasn't fun at all. It is possible that I didn't cause my sickness but it is a little bit weird. Mind over matter??

What if my views of my life changed? I know I have reevaluated my life a lot in the last year. But could my own perception of myself change without making a conscious effort to change it? I think it is. The human mind works in strange ways. Our morals, for example, protect us from ourselves by keeping us from doing things we really want to because it knows we would feel bad about it later. My own subconscious could be trying to tell me I really don't like the way things are going and I need to rethink my path. It could be protecting me from myself!

What if I really do know what I want? I think this is a tough idea to grasp and put in to words. We all know what we need, it is survival instinct. When it comes to what we want in and out of life it isn't an easy question to answer. If I have found what I want and I know what it is why would it make me feel like I am in a rut???? It has taken a lot of hard work to get myself where I am today. This work has been directed toward an idea of who and what I want to be as a person. If my idea was wrong, then I could be feeling my inner self pulling me away from the path I started down. This and the last idea go hand in hand. Me protecting me again?

Maybe this feeling is more simple then all of this thoughtful babble. Maybe this path I am taking just makes me feel like I exist and nothing more... Is being happy and existing not enough?