Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Internal Reflections

Do you ever have the feeling that you are not yourself? Like the entire world is sitting in front of you but you can't reach it because you can't control what you do. A feeling something like that has become very much a big part of my life recently. I don't really understand why so I have decided to start blogging about it. Something about putting thoughts in to words and reading them to myself helps me work out what is really going on in my head. That is why i started this and that is why i will continue it for many years to come.

So what do I really mean by not feeling like myself... well I know for a fact that i feel old sometimes. Not older but truly old... Like my life has already been laid out and I what lay ahead is the same as it is now. I think I know the feeling this comes from but i don't understand why i feel it. It makes you feel like nothing you do in the world leaves a mark... like in a few years no one will remember you were even here. This is what people are supposed to feel before they die... you know the ideas that run though your head when you know you are not going to be alive anymore... when your time is up! I don't understand this feeling i am having because I am here to stay for many more years to come. I know life can be hard.. I have lived though some rough times and i have the scars to prove it. None visible of course but some people get close enough to see them. Some others think they have seen them but all they see is me protecting them from further harm.

Here is another idea i can't seem to figure out... I have spent my fair share of time thinking and talking about how i feel.(Not too much, I am a male) So why is it that i don't believe anything I say or think. Why does it feel like i am doing a lip service to the world by talking about feelings. Feelings I don't understand and things that I honestly believe I can't feel... I think of feelings in an intellectual way and that isn't what they are supposed to be... Not by description at least. Is that what feelings are? simple thoughts that make your mind believe they are more and cause major reactions in behavior and body chemistry. It is sad to think of emotions this way but that is how I see them... I don't have that intense drive of emotion that i expect from what I have learned in my life. Is it me... or is it the rest of the world fooling themselves in to thinking that these things exist because they are supposed to. I don't know the answer... I am a simple person that is fighting to survive in a world of endless information and lighting fast access to it. When you think of that it is amazing that we even have the ability to think on our own. Info is fed to us like animals with structured feeding times. We are fed what others believe we need to know and thus shaping how we think and how we live the rest of our lives.

I guess all this babble raises only one question... How do i break out... become or find who I really am in this finite world we live in?

Andrew