today i am going not only all lower case... i am doing this almost to my brink of intoxication. a few choice high alcohol content beers will do that to you.
so i was thinking while i was sitting at the bar watching all the people mingle around me that i was the only one there completely alone. is it really sad that i went to a bar by myself? I like the bar atmosphere... the crappy food and almost unreal variety of choice of things to drink. have i become the old crazy guy at the bar at noon on a weekday already? i do not believe i am drinking because of anything other than just plan wanting to. but with the human mind it could be nearly anything driving that 'want' and i don't believe i would even know the reason even if it was not a personal and deliberate choice. so it doesn't really matter why i was there... just that i was there and pondered something why i was drinking and eating...
pondering the idea of why the girl at the end of the bar, that was clearly watching me for about an hour, didn't just come over and say hi? i think that women of this society have just as much difficulty approaching men as men have approaching women. many men in today's world are very emotional. I am not one of those men but i do have issues talking to people i don't know or about subjects i don't feel comfortable with. i believe that the world is a true two way street. comfort levels between any two people that have a conversations needs to be the responsibility of both parties and both people are responsible for keeping a relationship even it if is a one off 10-20 min talk in a bar alive. if one person doesn't make a move toward someone and the other person doesn't either... then it isn't just one of the persons fault, it is a collaborative effort between both people.
i know this world still looks to the men to do all the aggressive moves and approach the person they think might be a match for them. but why!? women i have met are more aggressive and much more socially adapted then i am so why can't they stand up for themselves and go get the person they want or see that they might want? i don't want to sound like i am being derogatory toward women or anything of the sort... i just wish to understand in a world where there are almost 10 women to every 9 men that men need to be the ones that have to do the work? the men who are aggressive in human society usually end up being aggressive in other ways or to other women because that is what they believe and how the world tells them they should be. the nice laid back men that stand in the shadows are the real 'stock' that women should be looking for. they are intelligent and thoughtful. but there is something wrong with these men... the drive of nature is completely wrong in our current world... the guys with the big arms and bulky chests aren't the ones that succeed in this world anymore. It takes more than brawn to be a great man in todays environment. it takes endless effort... some of us have is some of us don't...
i am a lazy man... i have learned to do what is needed not what should be done in the terms of life. i have spent too many years just simply surviving. i don't understand the idea of going beyond the just covering the needs of another person. because i suffer the same ailments as the women of todays world... i have that prehistoric idea that because i provided the basic needs to the woman, that is all i should do.
in the end we are in a very basic struggle between natural instinct, learned behavior patterns, and the drive to become more than nature intended. i personally have had a hard time breaking some molds that the male part of our race falls in to. in other ways i am completely different.
all in all we each have to choose or try and choose who we are going to be. sometimes nature is to strong to overcome. sometimes the intellectual drive to change isn't enough. maybe some of us are who we are for a reason... should i have walked to the end of the bar? maybe, maybe not. it is very possible that taking the walk was worse then showing others you are comfortable being in a bar alone.