Sunday, July 25, 2010

The blog

So yesterday someone told me they missed my blog and asked me why I don't blog anymore. The truth is that I have been writing blogs... just not completing them to my satisfaction. My head has been a little distracted lately. The anxiety of work and life and all the other BS has kept me from generating the ideas and words needed to write in my bog and keep it to what I have as standards. Not that my standards are high... Really... just read some of the crap I have posted over these last few years. LOL.

Because of that comment and because it isn't often you have the power to bring back something someone misses. I wanted to type up a blog today.

Stopping point... Can't think of what to type...
So here is a little bit of what happens when I try and blog. First I sit down and usually start out about something that happened or is going to happen or why I felt like blogging. That part is easy because I sat down and started typing for a reason. The next part is not completely easy for me. I start generating all the ideas that will go in to the blog and just start typing. This part goes smooth only until I hit an idea or thought that pulls my attention away from the road I saw before starting to type. That is when my blog start feeling like 'work'. Trying to keep it on track can be mind numbingly hard. I think this has a lot to do with where my inspiration to blog comes from. My inspiration to blog comes from the emotional responses to the happenings in my life. When I feel angry, sad, happy, and even void of emotion that is when I can sit down and have the ability to poor myself out in to words on a page. This is also why I don't publish all the blogs I type up. Sometimes things that I type about would make others feel bad. Those that know me best, know that is not me but I am not going to post something that might openly mash someones feelings even if that wasn't the intent.

Back to the inspiration part... I have found that when following the paths the emotional responses lead me down I find out that they become more complex than words can describe and I start making links between this emotion and others. This causes me to jump a few curbs and maybe go down the wrong way on a one way street. Generally causes havoc with the ability of the blog to make since. This is where the 'work' comes in. Keeping my mind on the path gets so hard that sometimes I give up or stop or read what I wrote and can't even follow my own words. Here is where my brain just stops... Because I got the idea or emotion in to words I can't go back and redo it. It wouldn't be the same as the first time I went through it and I wouldn't have as much stuff in my head to type.

What does this all really mean? It means I am not a writer and will never claim to be. Writers can create words where feelings and ideas start to get weak. I think of myself as someone that dumps words on a page and hope it is readable. That is the strength of this blog... it is ideas and feelings in the rawest form I can provide. When reading what I write after I post it, there are times that i can't even remember why a sentence come out a certain way. I am constantly thinking "WTF, why did I type that?" but that is the reaction after the idea has been put through the ringer of me blogging. I have never pulled a post down because of this reaction and it helps me understand the steps I go through when dealing with something.

In looking for a topic for a blog, I found that I didn't need a topic for it. The last part is my ending statement. I try and keep this short and sweet and usually I have the ending in mind before I even get half way through. That helps keep the blog more on track. Todays ending isn't going to be like that...

I would like to apologize for not blogging much over the last months (nearly a year). My blogging has always been about what I needed to do for myself. Someone in my life recently made me very aware of how much I only do things because they benefit me. I don't look at myself as being that way but I can see where and how I can portray that idea with my actions. I am pushing myself to start looking outside my somewhat self-centered blinders and see me from the outside. I haven't taken full stock of what I have discovered yet on this quest. But I am sure I there will be a blog about it sometime in the future. Until then, everyone now knows one of the mind entangling things that have been known to keep me awake at night.