Tuesday, August 31, 2010


I have made it no secret that I have changed a lot in the last several years. Growing beyond what I had become in the 25 years prior. Experience and logical reasoning has been my teacher and base. I am again to a point in my life where my knowledge and understanding has shown me how much of myself and this world I still do not know and understand. I have reached the summit of one mountain only to find the next one reaching far out of view in the clouds. I have been in this position several times but this time is different. I find myself faced with two separate mountains in the clouds. The question now is what do I choose? Do have to choose? Can I choose both? I know that not taking another step leaves me where I stand atop a tiny foothill that once looked like the tallest mountain from the bottom. I know because of who I am I will continue up the next challenge no matter what direction I go.

It has taken me a lot of years to realize how lucky and blessed I have been. I have known from a very young age what my work career would be for the rest of my life. Because of this, human nature has taken me up the simple and easy path of focusing on that work. Diving in head long and ignoring nearly everything else in my life. There have been weekends where I hadn't left my computer chair for 48 hours straight. I didn't sleep and I didn't eat during this time. I also ignored the thoughts of what I wanted to do with my LIFE. Who I wanted to be. The idea of starting a family. All of this was easy to ignore and just push it off to thinking about it another day later on. That laziness has started to catch up with me. I am not a kid anymore and I need to start thinking not like a kid. A quote "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child. Now that I have become a man, I have put away childish things." Corinthians 13:11 - Also used in the movie 'Hackers' (I am a geek what would you expect). This calls in to question my adulthood and my level of responsibility. When I sit and look at my life away from work, I see why I am still standing on that little foothill, I see why I haven't reached the clouds. This realization is a blow to my moral. It is a pain that is hard to keep off my face. It is hard to keep it under my disguise and put on the mask I choose show the world. It it like I am dragging myself through this world without direction and without purpose. I keep looking for a reason to take that next step off one summit and start to make the trek up the next. Do I really need a reason?

Life, even as complicated as it has been to this point, looks very simple compared to the paths ahead. Looking back with greater understanding makes the mistakes and falls look like child's play. Maybe it has been so far. My understanding doesn't include to ability to label or describe such things and it is not yet my time or place to do so. My view of my past only strengthens my resolve to push forward, to become more than I am. To look ahead to the future and to get above the clouds ahead and see sunlight from a new perspective.

I have choices to make in my life. I can picture these mountains in my mind with tall shear rock faces. But they don't scare me like the previous mountain did. Like this is the path I was meant to be on and for some reason I feel like it doesn't matter what path I choose at this point. I feel like the two mountains I see are merely two parts of the same mountain and there is only one summit. Now it is time to start walking...