Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Inside

Something hit me today, literally, in the back of the head while I was moving some cables between the two computer systems I am working on next to my desk. It wasn't anything heavy just a cable with one of those magnets that some have on them near the ends. It didn't hurt. It was just a shock, because I still don't know what moved it. A mystery that will never be solved. That has nothing at all to do with topic of my blog today. But there are some similarities to how all of this idea came about.

I have been blogging for several years. If you go back through my archives you can read most of what I written. There is a lot of the 150+ posts that are private so I can't give you an actual number of public ones. I have spoken a lot about change, growing, and becoming a better person. At some point in the last several days I realized something very important that I have been missing, it isn't about changing!! I was intent on changing so that I could wipe out my past, put right what I see as wrong with me. I was so caught-up that I missed what growing up is all about. All of this was about FINDING MYSELF among all the weeds that had grown up within me. I was too busy looking at myself from the outside and only catching a glimpse of my real self from time to time. My last few weeks of confusion and feelings of the 'rut' make complete sense now. My internal self was feeling 'right'. Like everything was the way it was supposed to be but my outside looking in approach wasn't seeing it like I should have been. It was another mistake in my long road of life. But like the ones in the past, I have learned and grown from it.

I am the same, yet different. I have started reflecting on myself from this new point of view. I am seeing that I was not defining myself correctly. I was looking at what needed to change. I need to look at myself for what I am. I AM ME! I am intelligent, I am strong, I have faith, I am a good person, and I am exactly who I should be. I am not done. I am still growing and I have a lot of choices ahead of me. Just like climbing a mountain there is always more than one path ahead of you to the same summit, to the same end. Some are harder and some easier, just like the decisions we have to make in our lives. I am looking out from the from the inside now. I see I have grown beyond the mistakes of the past and they have no hold on me or my future. The path ahead hasn't been paved yet. The world is at my fingertips and I have no restrictions on how far I can grow. So what is next?

There are people and persons in my life that have effected me more then they will ever know. Some don't even know what they have done. Some of you know who you are. They have shown me more about living and goodness then I could have ever learned on my own. I will never be able to repay all those that have made an impact. I will do my best to be the best I can be and pass on the gifts to others along my path. I hope my example of life can pass on what I know. You never know, someday, I might have children of my own that can learn from me!

Andrew

Monday, September 27, 2010

Off the Path

These last few months I have been feeling a little lost in my life. Like I have been in a rut and can't get out. I cant really figure out why as everything has been going fairly well. We have all had times in our lives where things just don't go as planned but it is how we react that sets us apart from others people. We each deal with our emotions and thoughts differently. Some deal with things alone and some broadcast it to the world and ask for help. Each situation requires its own unique approach and each one of us will handle identical situations differently. I am and will most likely always be more of a loner. I have spent most of my life dealing with life by myself as an independent person. It took some really really horrible experiences and situations for me to realize that getting help isn't a bad thing and that I do have friends and family that are there for me and can help me survive and thrive as a person in this messed up world. I still forget that this help exists. It isn't in my nature to turn and ask for help. I have even been called stubborn because of this one fact.

Sometimes, we have to step outside our comfort zone and be more than we are by nature. In the fast paced world we live in today, if we can't ask for help when we need it, we get left behind and we will fall short of reaching our life goals. It sets us back just enough to make us not try anymore. I know I will always be playing catch-up, but I won't give up and just be content. Someday I will have someone that relies on me to get them through the tough times. I will be ready for that day!

Andrew

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Priorities

It has been a few years since someone has asked me what my life's priorities are. It is something I remember growing up being asked about all the time. I remember the phrase "get your priorities straight" said a lot to me. I think it had to do with the computer games I would sit and play for hours and hours on end. So after this weekend I have decided it is time in my life to build that list. It has been a long time coming. In the back of my mind I have a fear that if I make that list and truly follow it, that I will have "grown up". I find myself acting like a mature person but I still feel extremely young. I lack wisdom. I want the wisdom that comes from 50 years of experience living in this world. Experience is the only way to gain true wisdom. Some would think i was wise because I understood that idea alone but it isn't enough for me. I have focused most of my life on technology and understanding it on a level above everyone else. I am not saying I know everything, by far I do not. Understanding and knowledge are different things. Some people who have knowledge don't have a clue what is going on because they don't understand it. So I know a lot more than I do because I can figure out more in 5 mins then most people can remember if they tried for an hour. So my priorities have been a little one sighted. Because like I have stated in past blogs, it was the easy path. I have worked for the last several years to grow as a person and build a life I can be happy with. A life where I can be happy with myself and what I am doing in my life. I am as close to that as i believe I will ever be.

This weekend I drove down a road. It is a dangerousness road with very long drop offs without guardrails. Hundreds of hairpin corners and switchbacks and it is overall a very very scary road. Nick named Devil's Highway. I drove that road with confidence. Making smart choices about how the next turn should be handled. Using caution when needed. And unleashing all restraints when possible. It was one of the best metaphoric experiences of my life. It somehow confirmed all the doubting thoughts I have been having lately. The feelings of being lost and confused. It has made me want to start working even harder. I have written several times in the past that there are times when you learn just enough to have learned that you don't know enough. This has been one of those moments and it was more like a line in the sand then any other of those moments from the past. It feels like nothing before the weekend existed because it is trivial to what is ahead. I have found something this weekend I have never had in abundance. Confidence!

It is now time for me to put the priories of my life in place. To make the truly difficult decisions of what is next. No more just following the road where it takes me. I am going to be the master of that road. There will be pot holes and slick pavement. But caution and confidence and my understanding and experience in this world will help guide me down the path I choose. I feel like I am finally who I am supposed to be!

Thank you to everyone that has been a part of my life to get me to this point. You have all played a roll in shaping who I am today. I look forward to the future with all of you.
Andrew

Saturday, September 11, 2010

What is left

Today find myself trying to figure out what is left to do in my life. I have lived a good life for the most part. I have rarely needed anything and even many of my wants have been fulfilled. There are times I want more. but sometimes we need to sit back and be happy with fulfilling what we need. I have had the times like many people where I don't know the difference between what I want and what I need. I have given a lot of myself to a lot of people and gotten very little if nothing in return. I don't feel wronged that I gained nothing from what I gave. I don't feel like I have lost anything by giving of myself freely. There is just a sense of wrongness about the act. About the people that take without a second thought. It is those that think twice and show their hesitation that I am willing to give even more. I think it is because of general disbelief of others that people expect that kindness and giving costs them.

I have made it well known that I will do anything for nearly anyone. I think that scares most people. Someone that doesn't 'care' is hard for most people to accept. I care, I just care differently than those that I seem to help the most. This difference is what keeps me apart from most everyone. It is why I am sitting in my room reading and writing blogs compared to most people that are out having a good time on the town, or in the case of the time (~1 am) sleeping. Connecting with an individual is not easy when you are willing to share any and everything you know and to a point feel with anyone. I did say to a point. I have lines, more like walls, built around my self that I don't left people cross. These walls keep some parts of me safe from the rampages of those people that exist on the outside. I recently talked about two mountains in front of me in a blog. I even told, lied for a lack of better description, to someone that there wasn't specific meaning two these two mountains just to protect myself. I regret that Lie. I have thought every day since how to correct my mistake of speaking these false words. I haven't found a way or the time to do so yet.

It pains me every day that I can't open myself up fully. To release the feelings I know I have and understand. But every time I try I choke. It feels like the first time I had to make a speech to a class in school. My entire body locks up, my mind races, and I second guess every thought every choice to say anything. So, I say nothing! The deep emotions that I know I feel can't get out. I protect them like they are all I have left in the world. And sometimes that is how I feel. It is not a simple thing to live with, the fear of loss and hurt. My real fear is that I don't know how to express my real feelings. That I have kept them locked up for so long trying to protect them and understand them completely, would I be able to release them even if I worked up the courage to do so?

So what do I want in my life? What are my needs for future growth? I have thought about getting married again. I have thought about having children. I have thought about living alone. I have thought about everything a human can dream about, from money to poverty, with fantasy and dreams. I still don't know what I want with my life. Every idea has good and bad parts, every plan has flaws. There is only one that I feel is not my path... that is being truly alone. I have experienced many sad and alone times. Even with people all around me I feel alone in this world. Like there is no one that understands me. Like I am the odd ball. I know this idea isn't true but how and where do I find the person that I need to feel normal? Where can I find someone that doesn't care that I don't know how to express what I feel but the person that tells me they care about me anyway? Where can I find someone that truly expresses what they feeling and not something they fake? Where can I found someone that will work with me to learn life together?

Over all I don't add up to much in this huge ever expanding world. But for my short time here, I hope I live it to the full ability I have been given.

Andrew

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A Drunkin' Rant!

Some days I put everything I have in to life. I put what I feel is my soul on the line, only to end up empty-handed. Why do I put so much thought and time in to plans or schemes knowing full well that life will find a way to screw it up? I have lived for 27+ years in this world... you would think that I would have learned by now what the world was. The world will spite you at any given chance. Turn you down for anything you feel you need. Even if it is only a hug from someone you care for. The world will take every chance away from you to feel happy.

I am over re-acting I am sure. But in my state; intoxicated, tired, and pissed off at the world around me, who in the world can blame me. I guess I need to do what more than one has told me; "Stand up for myself" and be the person I see myself as! That person doesn't sit back and wait for good things to come, he steps up and takes what is good from the world. Even if it is hard to see what is good for him. If what may be a good even a great thing stares him in the face and walks away and he does nothing to stop it.

I feel ashamed that I am a man today. Men stand on two feet and face the world with heads held high. While I look at the ground crying sadly. Not taking a stand, not charging forward with intention and feeling. I want to be the man full of endless emotion that spills everywhere I go. But that is not me! I am a secluded, wrapped up in myself man who can't find an outlet. The man that cries in the dark because of the feelings that can't explode out of him. The same ones he wants to and fails to express nearly every day!

I want to be more than I am... but I can figure out how! What exists in the small and fragile world that can give a complex yet simple person like me this training? It is as if I need training in life itself. Natural selection doesn't look all that great from the bottom.
In the end the only thing I know I have is myself. That starts the cycle over again... being self-contained and independent is good in some ways and bad in others. Looking out for number one gets old and it leaves me all alone!!

Andrew