Some days I put everything I have in to life. I put what I feel is my soul on the line, only to end up empty-handed. Why do I put so much thought and time in to plans or schemes knowing full well that life will find a way to screw it up? I have lived for 27+ years in this world... you would think that I would have learned by now what the world was. The world will spite you at any given chance. Turn you down for anything you feel you need. Even if it is only a hug from someone you care for. The world will take every chance away from you to feel happy.
I am over re-acting I am sure. But in my state; intoxicated, tired, and pissed off at the world around me, who in the world can blame me. I guess I need to do what more than one has told me; "Stand up for myself" and be the person I see myself as! That person doesn't sit back and wait for good things to come, he steps up and takes what is good from the world. Even if it is hard to see what is good for him. If what may be a good even a great thing stares him in the face and walks away and he does nothing to stop it.
I feel ashamed that I am a man today. Men stand on two feet and face the world with heads held high. While I look at the ground crying sadly. Not taking a stand, not charging forward with intention and feeling. I want to be the man full of endless emotion that spills everywhere I go. But that is not me! I am a secluded, wrapped up in myself man who can't find an outlet. The man that cries in the dark because of the feelings that can't explode out of him. The same ones he wants to and fails to express nearly every day!
I want to be more than I am... but I can figure out how! What exists in the small and fragile world that can give a complex yet simple person like me this training? It is as if I need training in life itself. Natural selection doesn't look all that great from the bottom.
In the end the only thing I know I have is myself. That starts the cycle over again... being self-contained and independent is good in some ways and bad in others. Looking out for number one gets old and it leaves me all alone!!