Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Inside

Something hit me today, literally, in the back of the head while I was moving some cables between the two computer systems I am working on next to my desk. It wasn't anything heavy just a cable with one of those magnets that some have on them near the ends. It didn't hurt. It was just a shock, because I still don't know what moved it. A mystery that will never be solved. That has nothing at all to do with topic of my blog today. But there are some similarities to how all of this idea came about.

I have been blogging for several years. If you go back through my archives you can read most of what I written. There is a lot of the 150+ posts that are private so I can't give you an actual number of public ones. I have spoken a lot about change, growing, and becoming a better person. At some point in the last several days I realized something very important that I have been missing, it isn't about changing!! I was intent on changing so that I could wipe out my past, put right what I see as wrong with me. I was so caught-up that I missed what growing up is all about. All of this was about FINDING MYSELF among all the weeds that had grown up within me. I was too busy looking at myself from the outside and only catching a glimpse of my real self from time to time. My last few weeks of confusion and feelings of the 'rut' make complete sense now. My internal self was feeling 'right'. Like everything was the way it was supposed to be but my outside looking in approach wasn't seeing it like I should have been. It was another mistake in my long road of life. But like the ones in the past, I have learned and grown from it.

I am the same, yet different. I have started reflecting on myself from this new point of view. I am seeing that I was not defining myself correctly. I was looking at what needed to change. I need to look at myself for what I am. I AM ME! I am intelligent, I am strong, I have faith, I am a good person, and I am exactly who I should be. I am not done. I am still growing and I have a lot of choices ahead of me. Just like climbing a mountain there is always more than one path ahead of you to the same summit, to the same end. Some are harder and some easier, just like the decisions we have to make in our lives. I am looking out from the from the inside now. I see I have grown beyond the mistakes of the past and they have no hold on me or my future. The path ahead hasn't been paved yet. The world is at my fingertips and I have no restrictions on how far I can grow. So what is next?

There are people and persons in my life that have effected me more then they will ever know. Some don't even know what they have done. Some of you know who you are. They have shown me more about living and goodness then I could have ever learned on my own. I will never be able to repay all those that have made an impact. I will do my best to be the best I can be and pass on the gifts to others along my path. I hope my example of life can pass on what I know. You never know, someday, I might have children of my own that can learn from me!

Andrew