Saturday, September 11, 2010

What is left

Today find myself trying to figure out what is left to do in my life. I have lived a good life for the most part. I have rarely needed anything and even many of my wants have been fulfilled. There are times I want more. but sometimes we need to sit back and be happy with fulfilling what we need. I have had the times like many people where I don't know the difference between what I want and what I need. I have given a lot of myself to a lot of people and gotten very little if nothing in return. I don't feel wronged that I gained nothing from what I gave. I don't feel like I have lost anything by giving of myself freely. There is just a sense of wrongness about the act. About the people that take without a second thought. It is those that think twice and show their hesitation that I am willing to give even more. I think it is because of general disbelief of others that people expect that kindness and giving costs them.

I have made it well known that I will do anything for nearly anyone. I think that scares most people. Someone that doesn't 'care' is hard for most people to accept. I care, I just care differently than those that I seem to help the most. This difference is what keeps me apart from most everyone. It is why I am sitting in my room reading and writing blogs compared to most people that are out having a good time on the town, or in the case of the time (~1 am) sleeping. Connecting with an individual is not easy when you are willing to share any and everything you know and to a point feel with anyone. I did say to a point. I have lines, more like walls, built around my self that I don't left people cross. These walls keep some parts of me safe from the rampages of those people that exist on the outside. I recently talked about two mountains in front of me in a blog. I even told, lied for a lack of better description, to someone that there wasn't specific meaning two these two mountains just to protect myself. I regret that Lie. I have thought every day since how to correct my mistake of speaking these false words. I haven't found a way or the time to do so yet.

It pains me every day that I can't open myself up fully. To release the feelings I know I have and understand. But every time I try I choke. It feels like the first time I had to make a speech to a class in school. My entire body locks up, my mind races, and I second guess every thought every choice to say anything. So, I say nothing! The deep emotions that I know I feel can't get out. I protect them like they are all I have left in the world. And sometimes that is how I feel. It is not a simple thing to live with, the fear of loss and hurt. My real fear is that I don't know how to express my real feelings. That I have kept them locked up for so long trying to protect them and understand them completely, would I be able to release them even if I worked up the courage to do so?

So what do I want in my life? What are my needs for future growth? I have thought about getting married again. I have thought about having children. I have thought about living alone. I have thought about everything a human can dream about, from money to poverty, with fantasy and dreams. I still don't know what I want with my life. Every idea has good and bad parts, every plan has flaws. There is only one that I feel is not my path... that is being truly alone. I have experienced many sad and alone times. Even with people all around me I feel alone in this world. Like there is no one that understands me. Like I am the odd ball. I know this idea isn't true but how and where do I find the person that I need to feel normal? Where can I find someone that doesn't care that I don't know how to express what I feel but the person that tells me they care about me anyway? Where can I find someone that truly expresses what they feeling and not something they fake? Where can I found someone that will work with me to learn life together?

Over all I don't add up to much in this huge ever expanding world. But for my short time here, I hope I live it to the full ability I have been given.

Andrew