Monday, October 18, 2010

Life, Love, Happiness

Life, Love, and the pursuit of Happiness... where did we go wrong?
Happiness: We all had the thought as children that a simple thing like the a toy would make us happy for ever. It did for a short time, but then we realized that it wasn't new anymore. When the newness wares off it isn't as much fun and that lessened the happiness we felt because of it. I think the idea of short term happiness has grown to an epidemic in our current social world. Devoice rates are only one example. Car leases is another great example. Get rid of the car before you really don't feel that it isn't new anymore. Everything is built to be throwaway items now. Even people just create and toss relationships like it had no effect on them. And I am guilty of this short term happiness trend too.

Life: Up until now I thought this was because I was young and stupid. I did things like a foolish child would. Without thought of the end results. It was these stupid ideas and decisions that I look back on as the worst things in my life. They are wrong... almost evil looking now that I know better. I still have a lot to learn about how to survive in this world but I have found that my short term happiness can suffer as long as I am happy with the road ahead. It is in looking to the future that I find happiness. Because I know now that I doing right in my life. That I am truly a good person!

Love: Over the next few weeks I am going to be writing about the future as I see it. There will be a lot of geek things, computer talk, life choices, and a little about the love. Love is one of the hardest things for me to write about. It is strong feeling and an elusive one I haven't had a lot of experience with. It isn't an easy emotion to handle. I don't believe the feeling of real love is as simple as we have made it out to be. I think it is deeper than we can imagine. I think there are many people that don't have the ability to understand or feel what love really is. I am going to explore this within myself. I think we should all take the time to figure this out, because if you don't, you may meat someone that you love and never know it.

It is in the pursuit of happiness that we find that we may not be chasing the right thing. I think I need to change directions!

Andrew

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Feelings

The word feelings can be used in many contexts. But the word is merely a poor word to describe ones emotions. People tend to throw around the word a little too casually. I think as a society we have some what disconnected the link between emotions and feelings in the context of language. We have found a way to talk about what we feel in to open without actually opening up our true emotions.
For a many years of my life I didn't know how to truly open my emotions up. It took a catastrophic implosion to release them. I am still working on understanding the feelings I experience everyday. I recently had an experience of a feeling I haven't felt in a very long time. I did expect it and I didn't even notice that it was there. There is a phrase "you don't know what you have until is is gone". When you notice the removal of something you didn't even know was there. It is hard to handle the confusion and shock. You do things that are just... well... stupid. You forget to think. It feels like you have lost your mind. I didn't realize what was going on at first. It took some time to gather my thoughts and work out the reason for the stupidity. I am now working on dealing with my problem. Well not really a problem it is more like a situation. When pain is due to emotional hurt it is very serious. Not dealing with the pain can cause long term distress.
Enough about me and my emotional distress. I am a survivor. I will figure this out and come out ahead as a better more knowledgeable person. But I will be short one lost feeling!!

Andrew

Saturday, October 9, 2010

How?

There are some things in my past that have left lasting scars. The emotional hurts that cut deeper than any knife could. I look back at these events and try to learn from them. But once your heart and even soul have been cut like mine has, it is hard to trust anyone enough to get that close again. We build walls around ourselves and consiously and sub-consiously hold people at arms length. It is a natural reaction to pain and the remembrance of pain.
I hate dwelling on the past, but it is a good teacher and reference tool for what is happening in the now. But this time I can't explain why I am feeling this way. Despite all my walls and keeping people away... I feel I have gain another scar. Maybe there are people out there that can reach through the defenses and touch our hearts without us even being able to see it or feel it at the time. Maybe I reached out with my emotions farther than I thought I did. Most people don't go out looking to hurt others, it is usually something that happens and there is no one to blame. Sometimes life just doesn't work out like you expect. The best laid plans of mice and men open go astray. When it comes to emotions, sometimes, it is hard to understand what we expect of ourselves. It is hard to judge what the emotion wants and is planing. So, we fail to protect ourselves and those around us from ourselves. If we force ourselves to live in exile, we avoid the pain but we also avoid the happyness and joy life can bring.
My last weeks have been very different and difficult. I have had some realizations that have brought me joy and happiness. But behind it all I feel a deep despair, loneliness, and hurt. I failed to protect myself and I didn't even see it coming. It was a blind side hit that has effected me more than it should have. I find myself asking, "How did I allow this to happen?".

Andrew


P.S. I wrote that a few weeks ago. Hind sight is a beautiful thing, I have had the ability to look back and figure out that I was reaching like a desperate person. I felt something that I remembered, a comfort and true internal peace. It is something I felt inside many years ago with someone I still miss today. I think there are people you meet in your life that can calm the turmoil inside without doing anything more then being there. I am glad I now know there is more than one person in my life that has done this for me. And it give me hope!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Ending

As I was writing my last blog, an idea popped in to my head; "This blog has reached the END". At first I didn't know what to make of this idea. How can there be an end to what I have started here? I started this blog because I needed a way to express my ideas. To work through all the endless, tormenting, and terrifying ideas that manifested in my mind. To sort out the reasons for laughter and the crying. It was only started a short few years ago when I was in the most desperate time I have ever faced in my life. I hope no one has to go through what I lived through. But I also LOVE that it happened to me. Without this wake up call... I would sill be the endlessly lost and endlessly stupid child I was before. I am still not fully grown but I believe I have learned enough to know that life isn't something you figure out overnight. Life is endless learning and life is about how you interact with the world around you and how you react to those interactions.

This isn't the end of this blog... but I see it differently now. I don't see this as a place where the past has any meaning any more. I have learned from it, I have grown from it. Let the past be the past. I have grown more because of this blog then any other single thing in my life. There are only a few people in my life today that even can tell the differences in me because of this. And I doubt they even read a word of this blog. I have one last feeling to express...

I feel truly alone. We all face it in our lives at some point. There was only a short time in my life where I truly remember not feeling some level of being alone. There have been sparks of possibility here and there but none of them have ever seemed to fill the void like I remember. Over the last years I have been learning how to be happy being alone. It is in this effort that I have found, I can't truly be happy alone. I was not meant to be by myself. I feel like there is more for me, like this isn't where I should be, and something is out there waiting. With this feeling guiding me, I start out on a new journey. A journey to find what is out there to fill this void. Being alone isn't enough for me anymore.

At the moment this post is made public it will be a new day... I will see you all then!

Andrew