There are some things in my past that have left lasting scars. The emotional hurts that cut deeper than any knife could. I look back at these events and try to learn from them. But once your heart and even soul have been cut like mine has, it is hard to trust anyone enough to get that close again. We build walls around ourselves and consiously and sub-consiously hold people at arms length. It is a natural reaction to pain and the remembrance of pain.
I hate dwelling on the past, but it is a good teacher and reference tool for what is happening in the now. But this time I can't explain why I am feeling this way. Despite all my walls and keeping people away... I feel I have gain another scar. Maybe there are people out there that can reach through the defenses and touch our hearts without us even being able to see it or feel it at the time. Maybe I reached out with my emotions farther than I thought I did. Most people don't go out looking to hurt others, it is usually something that happens and there is no one to blame. Sometimes life just doesn't work out like you expect. The best laid plans of mice and men open go astray. When it comes to emotions, sometimes, it is hard to understand what we expect of ourselves. It is hard to judge what the emotion wants and is planing. So, we fail to protect ourselves and those around us from ourselves. If we force ourselves to live in exile, we avoid the pain but we also avoid the happyness and joy life can bring.
My last weeks have been very different and difficult. I have had some realizations that have brought me joy and happiness. But behind it all I feel a deep despair, loneliness, and hurt. I failed to protect myself and I didn't even see it coming. It was a blind side hit that has effected me more than it should have. I find myself asking, "How did I allow this to happen?".
P.S. I wrote that a few weeks ago. Hind sight is a beautiful thing, I have had the ability to look back and figure out that I was reaching like a desperate person. I felt something that I remembered, a comfort and true internal peace. It is something I felt inside many years ago with someone I still miss today. I think there are people you meet in your life that can calm the turmoil inside without doing anything more then being there. I am glad I now know there is more than one person in my life that has done this for me. And it give me hope!