Saturday, November 6, 2010

Choices and more Changes

It has been a few days now... I have had time to truly think over the choice I have made. The idea that I am leaving what has become my home scares me. Not for the reasons that first come to mind either. I can distantly feel three reasons why I am scared.

One: I feel like I am running from something. Running from the heart aches I have gained while living here. Some of the toughest years of my life were lived here. I feel as if leaving without resolving everything just makes me a coward and a heartless person. Coward because I haven't been able to face the pain and be rid of it forever. A heartless person because I would have left knowing that I created scars on others and myself without fixing them first. This is the part that makes me cry about leaving. The part that reaches my soul and tears a part of it away. It leaves me feeling like a worthless human.

Two: I am leaving the only place I know has truly loved me. The people, the city, and even the desert seem to be part of me. Like I am part of the overall scheme. That I am not just a working ant in a sea of a million workers. Like I was the black ant among the reds around me. Like I was special. I do now know if I will find this feeling again. But I really hope so!

Three: This is the standard reason. The reason everyone feels about leaving a place. The friends I have made here have made my live worth living. They with help of outside reasons... they saved my life. Truly saved my life. There was a time When everything seemed lost to me... and life itself was no longer worth the effort. The friends I have known here pulled me back from the edge. I was never able to thank all of them... because they most likely didn't even know what they did for me. But I have tried to return the favor by becoming who I am today. The person shaped by their influence, the better person because they were part of my life.

The changes that come from the choice I have made is a selfish one. I am doping what I have to for myself. I m not thinking of others feelings as I make this change. I am simply not able to ddddddddddddddddddkkkkkkklllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllljdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Ok, I fell asleep while typing... time to post and go to bed.