Today was a devastating day for me. I want to shout and scream and yell and get drunk to help get rid and forget all about it. I can't do any of that! My words are tied in the unforgiving world of legal and personal ramification of what I say and what I don't say what I do and what I don't do. I was angry and distraught but somehow I have kept my cool. I have kept my 'demons' in check. I willed them away with logic, inelegance, and just simple desire. The desire to be something more than an animal ruled by negativity and desperate despair.
I look at myself right now in wonder at my own strength. The ability for me to show such level-headedness as my father would put it. To enguage the world that seems out to get me with calm and deliberate actions. To reach out for help even when I am the suborn one that always needs to 'do it myself'. It dawns on me after all this time of being a that type of man, that I was wrong. Learning isn't a single persons adventure in to the unknown, it is an adventure filled with connections of friendships, and relationships, and lovers, and battles, and compromises. Every connection shapes who you are. Everything you think you are alone, you really have everyone and everything you have ever seen with you. It is a group effort to survive and prosper in this small and unrelenting world.
I wasn't just wrong, I was un-evolved. I can see where I may have been drawing on my instincts to guide myself. Seeing everything as a battle of the fittest. As out prehistoric ansestors may have done. Banging on my chest as if I were calling to the world that 'I can stand alone' , 'I need no one'. In reality the fittest is the person that can step back, see the situation, and call on help from the connections he has made. Connections he has built with his and others futures in mind. As others need him he would be there for them as they would be there for him.
It is fitting that earlier this week I stated in an email to one of my friends as a a your welcome. "Someone once told me that friends and family are important. I like to help those where and how I can!"
In that simple statement I find great meaning about who I really am. About my feelings and about the things I have lost and the things I have thrown away. My mistakes have cost me so much, yet I have gained more than I could have dreamed.