Saturday, February 5, 2011

Another sleepless night

As I sit through another sleepless night pondering the next days events. I find myself thinking about how I arrived here and how I am going to go forward. It isn't easy letting go of the road behind, washing your hands of the last setback, and looking to what is now an unknown future. It is like looking in to a dark abyss that is tangled with roads leading in every direction, crisscrossing, taking steep grades both up and down.

My future is a completely blank slate right now. It makes me very nervous!! Over the years I have had trouble and setbacks, but none have been exactly like this. Because of the recent great things that had happened, I was in a state of transition to something new. I now feel stuck in that transitional state. Like everything and yet nothing is before me. In some ways this feeling of being stuck has been around for longer than just last weeks setback. I have been stationary since I decided to move out of my apartment in Tempe back in September! I feel like it is time for action. But with so many options and choices and possible end results, how and where can I start?

Is it possible to really have a blank slate after all these years? Is it really possible to "start over"? It makes me even more nervous to think that this might actually be happening! That for the first time I can remember in my life, I am totally and completely free! I have almost nothing holding me back from doing anything in the world I want to do! It is a scary and inspiring truth. Being this free makes me yearn for the oppressively happy feelings and happenings of everyday life. The day-to-day worries of living ones life, the responsibilities for yourself, your friends, and your family, and the love and joys and happiness of just being alive. I don't feel any of those things right now! My life just feels simply, on hold. Like someone hit pause on the DVD of my life.

Even with this only being a short part of my life, I feel as if it maybe the most important time. As I think I have a once in a lifetime opportunity to cut in a new plot before the DVD starts playing again.