Sunday, March 6, 2011

Air time

There is something to say about the boring time spent in the air. It is a time I have generally used to think, mainly because there is little else to do. This trip I have found myself thinking about the choices I have made over the last several years. The more I look at myself through my choices the more stupid I feel. How little forethought I have had. I know hindsight is more 20 / 20 than at the time you have to make choices... but I still wish I would have thought things through more completely before acting. I am really seeing now how much I have wished or dreamed things to be. Letting life just happen as it would with only my hope everything would turn out great in the end. I have spent too much time dreaming like this and not acting to make it come true. Every day I have great ideas about what to do and do nothing with them. It is as if I only have the balls to dream of greatness not to grab it when it is right in front of me. Becoming who I am to be isn't as straight forward as I thought it would be.

With this in mind while I sit on this plane waiting for the ground to be back under my feet. I want to put in to words a few of my dreams. Before I do I need to explain something about where I am at. It hasn't been easy for me to decide what it is I want from life these last few years. I have found out by trial and error there are a few things I don't want. Just a short time ago I was sure I didn't want children. I was happy being the lowly tech guy worker. And I was happy being someone who needed things to make his life feel like it had meaning. I don't know what I want from life. But I do know that these ideas I knew were solid are no longer so.

We all dream of many things. In general, I dream of a life where my life has 'true' meaning. Where what I do in my life leaves a mark on someone else's life. It is less about being remembered and more about knowing that I made a difference. That I made someone else's life better because of what I did with my life or in my life. I know I have left marks in this world already. I feel my path has so far been riddled with destruction as I pass by. Trust me, I know I am my own worst critic in these matters. I have left a few good things behind me too, but, they don't reach the bar I have for myself. I also have one very specific dream right now. There is someone in my life, someone who though-out everything and many years is somehow still part of my life. You can't really call a person a 'dream'. It is more like having a feeling about a person that you know is perfect and right and awesome but at the same time have no idea what it means or why you have it or what to do with it. In short, I feel like I am party insane! I have tried very hard not to choose paths in my life because of this 'dream', but you can't just ignore it all the time. So every time I made a choice I questioned my motives over and over again until I was convinced that it didn't effect my decision. Now, I wonder that in-spite of and because of my efforts I have chosen the wrong paths all these years. Maybe I should have been running toward this dream. Maybe I was avoiding my destiny. Then again... maybe I needed to take the long road around, you can't have a great destiny without the journey.

Here is to hoping all our dreams and 'dreams' come true.