Why do I do this to myself? I have been dreaming too much again. I have been seeing something and believing something isn't really there. Just when I thought I might have myself under control, I go and get myself all worked up over things that may not even come true and then I apologize for myself. I don't understand me! How the fuck am I going to make something of myself in this state. I am a bumbling fool. So I guess I need to forget myself for now... be something I am not because that seems to work, at least for the short term.
I don't believe I can really think in the short term. Everything I think about is in the long term logical fashion I know. I never think about things being short term. I always see things as being around forever. Maybe that is why I can't let go of many of the relationships I have had in the past. I never was able to see there end even with there ending. I believe almost 100% that I will never be not alone. Even if I find someone that understands how and why and loves the way I see and think about things. I don't believe there is anyone that sees the world as I do. I have an interesting perspective that seems to have a direction of its own. Looking at the world as if it is only the landscape in which we exist and nothing else. It doesn't have power to change what is happening. It is only the location where we have to do the business of life. Even today with all the rain and other BS... I continued to do what I would have done if it was clear skies or snowing.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.... I am frustrated and done!!!