Sunday, March 27, 2011


Free time. Many of us wish we had more of it. It allows us to do the fun things in life outside what is required or demanded. It us to relax from the day to day struggles that keep us stressed and tired. For me free time is different. It gives me time to think, to dream, and to remember. None of these are good things for me.

I am not the person that needs more time to think. I already over think everthing. By now everything in my life has been went over at least several dozen times. Each time with new ideas making minor changes to the situations and deciding what would happen 'if' this or that. It is like working through your own life as if it were a chess board. Trying to see every possible move 10 steps ahead. I am alreadying planning what I should be doing through the first week of May 'if' everything works out next week as planed. I am driving myself insain.

the excisive thinking causes a lot of problems in the dreaming area. It is fine to have dreams. Dreams of reaching goals or dreams of someing nearly unatainable. To dream of worlds and ideas it what makes us creative and inovative. But when you have too much time like me and you over think everything like me, you end up doing what I do. I take my dreams and mix them in to my chess board. You can imagine what that combnation can result in. I find myself feeling being lost in a chess board filled less and less with reality.

Then I start to rememebr what it was like to have a porpose in the real world. A reason why I got out of bed. I start to think back further to the times when I was happy, to the times I was in love, the times I was sad, and the times I was in pain. The good times and the bad times all make me feel sad now. the good times because I miss them, and the bad times because they gave me reasons to be better. I can't describe now as a bad time or a good time. It is just open, free time. Too much to do with no way of doing anything. I can't describe the almost empty feeling this leaves me with.

Time is a river flowing through life... right now I am addrift but there doesn't seem to be any currents.


(Posting this one without proofing it... sorry ;) )