Saturday, May 7, 2011

Another attempt

I have attempted several times over the last few weeks to start writing a blog, complete it, and post it. I have been unsuccessful as you have noticed. I have just undergone a major change in my life that was forced upon me without warning. It is taking me time to adjust. to figure out who I am again. I do not have the best track record of making quick and orderly returns to stability. I have found myself living a life I don't want. Dreaming of a life that I do want and of a person that I no longer know.

It has taken this last sudden jolt to make me really come to grips with the reality that I am a dreamer. I have spent too many years dreaming of a great life that I forgot to live the one I am in. That is at least how I feel right now. I feel like I am no older then I was when I was 13. That is when I was exposed to things in this world I didn't understand for many years. I made myself believe I understood what was happening and buried everything I didn't. It wasn't until many years later that I realized I didn't understand any of it. I was a pawn. I was used as a spy to collect data about things well beyond my years. I see now it was then that I diverted from the path of reality and it has completely changed the direction of my life. I am still trying to find myself in the confusion that has resulted.