Monday, May 16, 2011


I once wrote that in order to be ok with someone else in you life you have to be ok with yourself first. To be happy with one's self allows you to be happy with others. I believe this is still kinda true and for a time I was really close to being happy with myself. But as I really thought about it, it wasn't happiness as much as being content with who I was striving to be. The personal outlined view I painted of myself. I was on a track to being right with me. I decided then that being happy wasn't the goal. It was a side effect. I havent been truly happy in a very long time. It has been so long that I have forgotten what it means to feel like that. I feel like I am cracking.

I know in my mind I feel like I do because I have nothing else to do but put time in to think about everything I have lived through. The good, happy times are harder to think about then the bad times because I miss them dearly. I know a lot of those days were happy because I was ignorant to the truth and what cruel things people do to each other. Ignorance is sometimes bliss and there is no going back after Pandora's box is opened. We have to deal with the realities that now invade our nightmares. When I was young, I was scared to death of the movie ET. I never believed that anything would scare me more. I was very wrong.

I find that my "sheltered" life has left me as naive as they come. I have been blind sided with emotional and anxiety issues. Now I am more timid than I have ever been in my life. I refuse to take chances even if I know and convinced myself I need to do it. I scare myself out of doing some of the most simple social things most people take for granted. My comfort zone has gotten so small that I fear there is no room for anyone else.

I discovered through everything that I would never really be happy alone. That being just me doesn't make me complete. That without someone with me there will always be a hole that will never be filled. I may be wrong about this, like I have been many times. If I am then my past has taken more from me then I realized and filling the gap will be a lifelong struggle. If I am right then to be complete I will be in for the harder more urgent struggle. Trusting someone enough to allow them to see and touch my heart. To allow out all the emotions I know are locked away inside. To allow joy to be part of my life again without flinching away. To maybe feel some of the scars heal.

Right now I feel I am cracking, like my struggle will end before it begins. But I don't want to admit defeat.