There are a lot of days that I am down on myself. I don't like the person I am. It isn't every day but most of the time it seems to be the days that count for something. Those days that seem to require me to think about the future or make changes. Today was one of those days. It was a day when I realized I need to step up and be more than just the smart intelegent person that I am. I need to become part of something bigger then just the world I have seen and expand myself.
Days like today are scary. Once I see the need to grow, I feel I am compelled to do it or be deemed 'failure'. It reminds me of the day I attempted to climb Camelback mountain. I didn't even make it half way up. I was a lot more out of shape now compared to now, well maybe, but the idea of failing don't feel very good then. I am sure it would feel worse now. The problem now isn't that I can't do it like on the mountain. It is the fact it is going to take a lot of hard work and a huge amount of learning on my part to do the work correctly. I fear it may take me too long to get everything down and I will have to wing it for a while. I don't like doing that. I like knowing what I am doing and if I don't I like figuring it out at my pace. It makes me afraid that I may not be quick enough for what is needed.
When I start feeling like this I want to kick myself. I know doing that only makes it worse. So I am blogging instead. My blog therapy like I have been known to call it. It takes time and brainpower to type up a blog. It is the brainpower needed to get down on myself even more. I am able to think though all my ideas and feelings. Put everything in to words that I am thinking. To lift the burden of weight off my shoulders. I don't think it would work the same if I knew I wasn't publishing it to everyone on the planet. There is something to say about one way anonymous sharing. I don't know who reads it just the that there are always hits on my site after a post. Sometimes when I write I think of someone specific reading the blog. I write as if I was them reading it. It is never the same person and I don't even know if they read it or not, that isn't the point. I don't think It changes the outcome of why I blog but it does help me think about the ideas I am writing about from other points of view. I try to see it from someone else's eyes.
Reading what I just wrote makes me sound like I am writing to please other people with my writing or be 'like' someone else. It isn't like that. It is just not easy for me to describe what I do when I am typing. At one time I needed inspiration to blog. I am finding that with the more I blog and the more blogs I find myself reading, I am challenging myself more to describe the 'hard stuff'. I am treating it more like I do everything else in my life, it is something to overcome and become the best at. I will never be great but I might just be good someday.
Until all the challenges are met in my life. Blog therapy is here to stay.