Sunday, July 31, 2011

My Name

My name is Andrew. I have many identities. Which one is the real me I am not really sure. Actually I don't' think I have ever been completely sure who I am. It goes along with being lost in this world. Everything I do seems to require a new version of myself to be created. Sometimes I don't' think I can keep them all straight and inline with the people I interact with. But somehow I do.

It isn't often we get a wake-up calls. When I am on a business trip I like to use the feature because it leaves me with a sense of importance that lasts throughout the entire day. Gives my business traveler identity something to hold on to as I work. When I get home I loose that wake-up call and thus the business traveler dies until he is needed again.

It is things like wake-up calls that bring out the things in me that determine who I am every day. It is the days that don't' have those types of triggers that haunt me. It is those days that I have to 'be myself'. When I don't know who I am for real, it is hard to become that person. I see myself as many different things, none I can honestly see when I look at myself through the looking glass of reality. I rely on the triggers to allow me to change to who I need to be. To strip away everything that doesn't have anything to do with what I need to do. To forget about all the other stuff that might get in the way of completing what I need to for today's identity.

For a long time I wasn't even aware I was doing this. It was reflex. Just like now I am plying the role of a blogger because that is what is needed to complete what I decided to do in front of this keyboard. When I blog nothing else matters around me. All distractions are blocked out because the goal of completing the written thought is the only sight I have. There are a lot of times when I read what I have written and I think 'why did I type this?' 'Why did my mind go down this path this day?' I spend hours thinking about it because while I am a blogger things seem different then when I am not. Thoughts seem clearer and sharper then they do before or after. Now that I have realized what I do and partly why, it makes figuring out who I am more interesting. Because I am all the identities that I can become.

I know when I am done with this I will read it and be very disturbed about what I have written. There are many times I think myself a raving lunatic. At the same time I feel as if I am taking a few thoughts about something mundane and turning inside-out and taking it to extremes that I can only imagine to be real. When reality looks at it there is very little that fall in to the that realm. It is because of that I still sit down to blog. I think pushing the limits of what is my reality makes me see what is really there in front of me more clearly. In the end it isn't good or bad but it is my way. It is one part of the full identity that makes me Andrew. It keeps me moving forward in the search of who I am.

There is one fear I have always had about finally figuring myself out. If I ever do then I there will be constrains in who I have to be every day. Just like the business traveler has things he must do, my real self will be held to things. I don't like fitting in to any one mold because I like always being different. Maybe that is who Andrew really is.


Sunday, July 24, 2011

The return

I have neglected my blog for a while now. Something I should be doing. I have my reasons but they really boil down to excuses, so, they don't really matter. What does matter is that I need to write all this stuff down so I don't keep it bottled up.

I am working again. Throwing myself in to a a bit. Not as much as I have done in the past but enough to gain the knowledge and get the job done and a little extra above and beyond. I thought I would feel great about working again. I do in some ways be in others I am still feel a bit lost. This job is more lonely than others I have had in the past. I work with people but we don't work together the same way as I am used to. I knew going in things would be different but I find myself longing for the comradeship I remember from prior jobs. The 'us' against 'them' idea. I guess I have always looked at my work as it was a battle against the hardware and software. There is nothing it can do to keep me from keeping it in line and working like it was designed to do. It makes me smile thinking about all this. It is not every day you think about your job as much more than work. But, like they have always said, "If you love what you do you never work a day in your life". If what you do becomes a job, then it is time to think about doing something else. I know that isn't a option for everyone and it isn't much of an option for me. Even if I thought this was a job, I don't think I would be happy doing anything else.

There is one simple worry that I have yet to find a solution to. Did I make the 'right' decision taking a job that moved me away from 'home'. After spending as much time away from there as I have, going back gave me a happiness I haven't had in a while. It didn't feel good at first, because it felt like defeat. But time showed me that it was my family I missed and didn't know I was missing them. It was being around and having the nieces yell "Uncle Andrew" from time to time that made me feel like I was supposed to be there. Here I am back to being hours away again. this time I can drive down and see them from time to time. But it will never be the same as being right there to go help out whenever they need it. Or just show up out of the blue to say Hi.

There are other things not really going all that well here. I have never been rich or made a ton of money. My work ethic and knowledge has always provided for me. I hate take steps backward. It is demoralizing. It is hard looking at your budget and knowing that you only have scraps available to be able to have a life other than home and work. And sometimes not even that. I have lived like this before and more often than I care to admit. Most people think that jobs pay you to get what you need to live and a little extra to have a life. But there are a lot of us that don't make the money needed to have extra. I was thinking the other day about being single and how alone I was feeling... most of the single people out there know what I am talking about. I know I should be out looking for someone to fill that void. My job and life doesn't support that idea. Yeah that is the backward way to think about it compared to how we expect it to be. I may have different feelings on this than most people but the After School Specials never showed that sometimes reality doesn't allow people to live first and work second. Sometime work has to come first so that life can be maintained. I am not saying money is everything... but money allows you to do things that make life better. Cooking your own food at home is great, I love ever minute doing it, but, a nice meal at a good restaurant with friends can make even the worst days feel like sunny day in the park. I haven't always been good with my money. But I have paid for those mistakes several times over and I have worked hard to fix and move on from those. There was a photo of a line graph shared by a friend on facebook some time back. It was Prestige over Time. There were two lines: Expected Career Path - a nice 45 degree upward climb, and Actual Career Path - a line always lower then the expected, jumps up and down, and seems to always get further away from the Expected line over time. The space between the lines was colored in and labeled Why We Drink. I feel like I am on the down side of one that line right now. The drinking part left out it is exactly how life goes sometimes. Those that stay on the expected path have to choose work over everything else in order to stay on that line. I don't expect to be on the line. I just want to be above the line that was missing... the comfort line.

They say with age comes wisdom. I agree with that statement, but it is more about time then age. As you get older you had more time to ponder ideas and figure out more closely there true meaning. IF you don't take the time to think, wisdom will never come.


Friday, July 1, 2011

The Hindrance Dream

Yeah the title says a lot. it takes a lot to realize that your own faith in your dreams are holding you back from doing things that may lead to a better you and a better life. I can't go in to specifics about the dream because it involves other people. I don't like discussing those kinda topics anyway. It is hard to separate what would and would not be offensive.

So in an effort to avoid the entire thing I will take about other things sort-of related to the subject at hand. Because it is the only thing I have been able to think about for a long time there is no other subjects. So this will be a short post.

Have a great fourth of July everyone!!!