Sunday, October 30, 2011

Fears

I haven't blogged in a while. I can tell... Blogging is my therapy, my release. Without it, I don't feel like myself. I start to loose focus on life. Not that this year had been all that good for it anyway but I think I should at least try and keep my head above water during these 'hard times' for lack of a better short description. These last few months I have slowly lost my drive, my desires, my will to keep battling on. It was always easier to deal with setbacks when there were people around that kept your spirits high by just being there. The friends that were there meant more to me than I gave them credit. Sorry my friends, I sold you short, I left without saying proper goodbyes, and I left when I shouldn't have. I am loosing myself here. I haven't really recovered from what happened in January. I couldn't have cared less about the job I lost... but the life I had built over the last several years just ended and I am afraid of never getting it back. That I have to start all over makes me not want to. make me want to just give up and settle for what I can barely scrounge up.

I have started some projects to keep me busy. To keep me from doing nothing and away from the endless thoughts of the 'bad stuff'. The projects are nice, I have learned alot. I have done a lot of new things that are way out there from my normal playing around with stuff. I might actually find something I like doing more... I am not holding my breath. It has also kept me from doing stuff I should be doing. Time has been flying by. Two and even three weeks have gone by without me even once thinking about paying my bills or taking care of some of my legal paperwork I still need to complete. I still haven't changed my address on my license and I have been here since July! I don't speed money anymore because just buying food for myself at the store usually drains the last few dollars I have each week. Living here is more expensive overall then living in Phoenix Metro. If I wouldn't have found this super cheap apartment (not a great apartment in any way) I would have to find a way each week to pinch pennies just to get the things I need. I am over reacting there a little bit. I can save money on some things if I really had to. Like my cell phone bill and internet connection. Both of those are really high compared to what most others use... but I am not most people. Saving 10 dollars a month but than having to stress about going over minutes isn't really a savings to me. Not even having to think about it is worth the 10 dollars ... as long as I have it to spend.

I guess what it really boils down to is, I don't feel like I am home here. I feel like I am working at a job site and on Friday I will be getting back on the plane and heading home after getting the job done. But, every day feels like it is still only Monday and the job doesn't seem to get any closer to being complete.

Andrew

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

It is time again

It has been a year... I can't believe it has been that long since I started packing my life in to boxes in my apartment in Tempe, Arizona. I started that job to move across town but ended up moving across the country. I am far far away from where I expected to be one year later.

I think back on it as one of the most sad days in my life... the day I decided to leave Arizona, but, at the time it was a great bitterly happy day. I thought I was moving on with my life. Moving on to other things and leaving some of the hurts and sorrows behind. Most of I created for myself and added to with personal conflicts and intellectualization. My standard defenses against my own failures and shortcomings. Nothing new... I have learned new words to describe myself in recent months.

I started thinking about this because it is now time to start planing for the famous family Turtle Soup day. It is always the Sunday after Thanksgiving and we rent out a fairly large facility to house the number of family and friends that show up. It is still a small number compared to what it used to be in my memories of when Grandpa was still alive. When the glue isn't there any more... things start to fall apart. I don't blame anyone for that... I didn't make it back for turtle soup for nearly 8 years. Now there isn't anything in this world that could stop me from being there. There is nothing like taking an entire morning and working at making something so good as a pot of soup. I love just standing there stirring the kettles to keep warm or running the grinder. Freezing to death just to get the last of the stuff through the grinder before drying off your hands and warming them near the soup. Making soup is something I need to do to feel alive. It is something that makes me who I am. A tie to my past that will never be forgotten. It makes me feel like a kid again.


So this November I will make soup and remember Grandpa again through the tradition he passed on to us. Maybe someday I will have the opportunity to pass it on myself.

Andrew