Sunday, October 30, 2011

Fears

I haven't blogged in a while. I can tell... Blogging is my therapy, my release. Without it, I don't feel like myself. I start to loose focus on life. Not that this year had been all that good for it anyway but I think I should at least try and keep my head above water during these 'hard times' for lack of a better short description. These last few months I have slowly lost my drive, my desires, my will to keep battling on. It was always easier to deal with setbacks when there were people around that kept your spirits high by just being there. The friends that were there meant more to me than I gave them credit. Sorry my friends, I sold you short, I left without saying proper goodbyes, and I left when I shouldn't have. I am loosing myself here. I haven't really recovered from what happened in January. I couldn't have cared less about the job I lost... but the life I had built over the last several years just ended and I am afraid of never getting it back. That I have to start all over makes me not want to. make me want to just give up and settle for what I can barely scrounge up.

I have started some projects to keep me busy. To keep me from doing nothing and away from the endless thoughts of the 'bad stuff'. The projects are nice, I have learned alot. I have done a lot of new things that are way out there from my normal playing around with stuff. I might actually find something I like doing more... I am not holding my breath. It has also kept me from doing stuff I should be doing. Time has been flying by. Two and even three weeks have gone by without me even once thinking about paying my bills or taking care of some of my legal paperwork I still need to complete. I still haven't changed my address on my license and I have been here since July! I don't speed money anymore because just buying food for myself at the store usually drains the last few dollars I have each week. Living here is more expensive overall then living in Phoenix Metro. If I wouldn't have found this super cheap apartment (not a great apartment in any way) I would have to find a way each week to pinch pennies just to get the things I need. I am over reacting there a little bit. I can save money on some things if I really had to. Like my cell phone bill and internet connection. Both of those are really high compared to what most others use... but I am not most people. Saving 10 dollars a month but than having to stress about going over minutes isn't really a savings to me. Not even having to think about it is worth the 10 dollars ... as long as I have it to spend.

I guess what it really boils down to is, I don't feel like I am home here. I feel like I am working at a job site and on Friday I will be getting back on the plane and heading home after getting the job done. But, every day feels like it is still only Monday and the job doesn't seem to get any closer to being complete.

Andrew