I was up really late one night. I for some reason decided to listen to some music. A few songs played that I really like. They are the types of songs that make you really feel the intent of the words in your heart. Songs with feeling and meaning. I have heard them dozens of times. This time was different. This time it sparked an idea of truth that I have always tried to uncover and seemed only skirt in all of my endless ramblings and thoughts. The truth was revealed when I put the ideas in the songs together and applied them to my life. Not as it is now but the entire history.
By looking at how my life became what it is today from the simple points of view there is a pattern that shows itself. This simple truth should have been easier to spot and understand before now. And to a point I have. But for some reason I was missing a layer of understanding. I find that is how a lot of things are in my life. I know all of this and all of that but I am missing one simple common thing that makes 2 and 2 come together. Today I understand myself a little more. The first step is recognizing you have a problem in the 12 step programs. I guess figuring out your self can follow the same logic. You have to see the trees, the brush, and weeds before the forest makes any since. It is baby steps.
The truth is... well it doesn't really matter what this truth is. Learning to understand what it is and the reason it effects me so much does.
I have been writing in this blog for a few years now. Every time I do I seem to understand myself more. I grow by trying ideas and exploring thoughts. I once thought i was trying to changing myself. I have realized that I don't need to change... I need to understand. I don't know myself as well as I had thought I did. Life has raised questions that have been getting harder and harder to answer. The more I dig the more I have fallen back on my old ways of thinking. That life will work out. Things will fall in to place. I know that isn't true. I made things happen before and I can do that again. I need to keep that faith that my hard work will pay off and it will cause good things to come for both myself personally, professionally, and that leads to being able to be there for everyone else.
I have set a goal for myself. It is a very long term goal but I know I can get there. Now I start the planning and doing to reach that goal. First step... setting some milestones.