Wednesday, April 25, 2012

My first post about a bad day (revisited)

I love technology. That is no secret! With a simple click of my mouse I sorted my posts and pulled up the oldest thing I ever posted. It has been nearly 4 years since I posted my first ever blog post (HERE: http://wp.me/puJD0-q). At the time I was a total disaster. Little did I know that putting those few words on the all but forgotten website called MySpace would end up changing my life. I thought it might help relieve some of the stresses that haunted me... get my pain out in to the world for people to see and not held in anymore. I started that post with hate and vengeance in my heart and mind. I started to post it to strike back but I remember editing it over and over and over again to weed out the things that weren't the real me. It was crude and almost childish in nature and form, but it started a landslide that had only grown as the days and months and now years have past. That landslide has stripped away everything that was my shell at that time. All the layers and walls I put up to make myself look like what I thought everyone expected and what I thought I was supposed to be. It has been a long long road from that day. God, if he exists, may not even be able to tell you everything that has shaped me since then. I know I can't but my blog holds most of that data.

Today wasn't a bad day. Today, I ended up with something on my mind that I was not expecting when I started. A choice, that may determine my future for a long time to come. The choice put in front of me right now wasn't a huge deal when I first saw it because I had made up my mind. I KNEW what I wanted and I planed my day to make it happen. I didn't plan on a choice, I planed on a dictation, a speech, a conversation with only one end. "The best laid plans of both mice and men..." It went as expected in every other way I could imagine, but, this damned choice has become a lot more difficult to process than I expected. So, naturally, I am on this blog working though the swirling thoughts in my mind and trying to figure out what that heart of mine is thinking as well.

I don't know what to do... on one hand I have the possibility of stability and a second chance to try and make something that I have only dreamed of. But possible isn't firm ground to tread on. The second hand provides more tangible unknowns but offers a return to something familiar and solid where potential is plentiful and possibilities are as numerous as grains of sand. Neither road is all glitter and gold and only two holds something of firmness that I can't see down one. But choosing the second hand puts up a Great Wall that can't ever be removed.

For now I have to push off the choice and roll with some of both. Walk the line between the possibilities of hand one without the wall of hand two. Until the more firm facts are available about the unknowns of hand two it will all have to remain in limbo.


So here is to the better days that came from that first post... cheers.
Andrew