Monday, April 30, 2012

The past truth

Tonight I realized that, not for the first time, I have missed out knowing someone in my family the way I should have gotten to know them. I know that they have more thoughts and ideas that are similar to my own then anyone I have met in my travels. My oldest brother is an enigma like me. We grew up in different decades lived very different lives; yet there is a similar spark that makes us exactly alike. It is a scary level of alikeness that has never really made me comfortable. There is a shell I sense around my bother that I have never seen inside of. That shell keeps me on edge... keeps me on my toes when I talk or am around him. I don't know why this is...

I think of myself every time I sense this shell. I think of why I have my own shell I hide in and I think of everything I hide in that shell. And that scares me more to learn what is there than knowing it exists and ignoring it. I have made peace with my past, so so speak. I have accepted the choices I have made. Not that I am proud or happy about them just that I know what I have done.

I try to think that I don't hide my past. But not being open and upfront about it is a type of hiding. If someone were to ask a question I would not answer untruthfully. I would be as honest as the situation would allow. Location is the key to telling a completely honest answer. Given that we don't always have the ability to choose when and where truths are revealed it is always best to keep them hidden forever. I hope everyday that some things about my past will stay that way. Not that I have ever done truly bad things... just that I don't want to loose control over the information that makes up my life.