Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Blogging again!!!

Hmm... I just realized that I have not blogged in a long time. a short few months ago I couldn't not blog often. I don't feel the need to blog as often anymore. But I think I should... I think blogging was a good form of therapy for me. It taught me a lot about how to write better and more well organized writing. I think the best part of it was the ability to do all of it in a public way. It was an eye opener that so much of who I am was kept so secretive. I didn't intent to live my life that way, I think it was a learned response to the life I have had to this point. Honestly, I am just glad I am not like that anymore.

Well I want to apologize to all my friends that I haven't spoken with in a long time. I took some time off work and disappeared for a bit. I was successful at making myself scarce as you all know already. Now as you can see work is keeping me busy... I am working lots more hours these days and they are going to send me to an install in Cali next week... well that is still in the works and may change. I am hoping not as I have never been to Cali and would like to see the state... I will not be far from Oakland. Other than that I will be working on paperwork and major issues until then. My project list at work is getting long... and I can't seem to make it shorter. It will happen one day and everything will be back to just supporting the customers or making the software solution better.

Sooooo, in other news, for those that didn't know I have a girlfriend now, Olivia!!!! We have been dating a little over 2 months and everything is going great. We have had lots of fun together and I have no complaints about the relationship at all. As you all can see the last few blogs I posted were about this exact subject and as you can read I had lots of doubts about a lot of what was to come. Some of them will still exist and some will always exist no matter what. I think everyone that has been through a tough relationship has the same hesitations and doubts. I don't know if they will ever go away but I hope I always remember the lessons I learned from them. I am more cautious these days, I have grown emotionally more this year than ever before and I feel like I need to be careful with these newly found emotional abilities. I am not going to keep them completely to myself, that just leads to unhappiness. I will just take a little longer before I truly open myself up to people. I just hope I can choose the right time to do that again.

Well my friends... I hope you all have a great night and a great holiday season.


Sunday, November 9, 2008

Question Answered...

I believe I have finally answered the question. The answer is YES. I started really thinking about what it would mean to have a girlfriend today. I kind of put the question on the back burner for a few weeks to focus on other ideas and happenings. Nevertheless, today it was brought back to the front of my mind by the events in the last few days. I have had some changes in my thoughts about this.

Every question I was trying to answer to help me figure out the overall question, either are unanswerable life questions that will always exist. Or can't be answered without first getting involved in a relationship with someone first. A simple 'catch 22' or a 'chicken and the egg' situation. That makes all of them mean nothing to the question at hand. Now, Does me saying yes mean that I am now out on the prowl looking for someone to be my girlfriend??? NO!!! There are several reasons for this. First, I have always believed in the idea that those people that end up meaning the most in your life cannot be found. You cannot just go searching for someone and make them mean something to you. It almost has to be a random meeting or something out of the blue. The ultimate idea is you cannot control it. Second, the first person that I will call girlfriend is already in my life... This person was in my life before I wrote the last blog and I almost knew at that point they would be special. I wrote the blog only to work through my thoughts and I almost didn't post it. But, I figured it couldn't hurt letting the world know what i was thinking and to get feedback from my closest friends on these ideas. Now this all brings up one more question... Would my thoughts on this have changed if I never met this person or they never became part of my life?????

This whole thing is another glowing example of how you cannot control when, how, or who you meet on your life. Nor can you control what those people you meet become in your life. Each person that enters your life, even if it is brief, has an effect. These people change you in ways you cannot imagine and can never figure out completely and they are all there for a reason.

Doesn't life seems great when you think you are in control... but you are never completely in control of what happens.That feeling of not being in control is one I have learned to love. When you fist think of it that way it is confusing and scary but it does not take long to realize that your life does not have to be controlled to be great. You just need to learn to ride the waves of life as they come. There will be low points and there will be high points. The low ones in life often cause us as humans to lose the faith that good things do still exist and even with a low point, you can still survive and get back to the top of the next wave. It isn't easy, but what in life is?

May you all of you be at the top of your waves.
Good Night.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Want a Girfriend?? (My history....)

What a question... I see this question all the time it is a standard ad here on FB for us guys. if you are going to ask a question there should be an answer to it right? I can answer this question... Do I want a girlfriend, yes and no. Hmmm...that is an interesting answer... I started dating late in my teens..I was already 16 before i really had a 'date'. Mainly due to where i was raised... the middle of the country miles from anyone my age... and also partly on how i was raised.. the only reason to date was to look for someone to marry.. WOW, Really!!! What an old fashioned idea. LOL. (this is an incite in to how i grew up) I took that literally for a long time, because i wasn't all that social as a child or teen and it took me several years to figure out what the world was really like and i am still working on some of that too. So a quick rundown of my history, I was with my first real girlfriend for 2 years. After that was over I then spent 8 months single. Then my next 'relationship'... it was 6+ years... and most of you know where that ended up so i will not go in to that. So, in reality i am just a freshman in the world of relationships or even dating... as there have only been a handful of those outside those 'relationships'. Many of you reading this may find that very interesting as I have never really shared this info about my life as openly as i have other stuff. But, as many of you have heard... I am an open book to the world, all you need to do is ask.

So, how can i say yes yet also say no? Well my life has changed allot in the last year. I have learned more about life in this time then i ever cared to know before and now i want to know everything i can. That is were my dilemma begins. I have been asking the same questions for months. Am I ready for a relationship? Can i handle everything? Is it possible that I am not mature enough to have a relationship? Is my knowledge about life itself is still to little? Should I wait? Should i just jump in to it and figure it out as i go? It is too early to even be worrying about my future relationships? Am i just being my standard self and thinking way to hard and too much? Even now, I have no idea how to answer any these questions except the last one... that is always answered with a YES!!!! LOL... I have been holding back even starting any type of involvement with anyone because of all of these questions. And even the dates i had been going on have done nothing other than make these questions more forward in my mind. It is also a huge reason why i am like i am.... Some times i blame how i act on my shyness that i have been battling most of my life and that is true to a point. Most of the time it is my thoughts making me second guess everything I do and say. This is more of a problem then shyness. It is hard to shut off your mind and not think. I know my face or something about me gives me away most of the time. because, i get asked allot what i am thinking about. a lot of the time my response is i am trying not too and that is an honest complete truth. I know what my thoughts do to me and i do my best to keep them at bay. I am not successful that often.

So do i want a girlfriend? yes and no. Do I want to have a date? yes and no. I have questions that raise even more questions that are for and against both of those ideas and i can't answer any of them. Isn't that a beauty of life... the crazy and far out there thinking that we have the ability to do to create questions we can't even answer. This thinking is fun and scary all at the same time. We as people can't standardly understand these questions we create about life... if we could we wouldn't have much to figure out while we live and life itself would just be boring. This hasn't gotten me any closer to any type of real answer to the question posed but it is one good set of thoughts... LOL

This has been a blog of exposure for me... I am letting out details about myself that most people never get close enough to either figure out or ask about. So why write this?? Because, there are people in this world I think should have this info yet I can't bring myself to just tell them... that is a discussion for a later blog. Have 'fun' with the questions you have created for yourself... I know i will be having 'fun' with these questions and others for a long time to come.


Saturday, October 11, 2008

Tomorrow will bring???

As today came to a close I heard something that made me want to blog. Today was a good day for me, did some work in the morning and then got some nap time in during the afternoon, and then some hang out time with great friends in the evening. So, just before heading to bed one phrase was said that made me think so much that I didn't go to sleep. A friend stated, "We will see what tomorrow brings". It almost stopped me in my tracks. I was astounded to hear a comment that has so much potential sound so extremely negative. I don't know if it was the negative nature of comment or just the idea of not knowing the future that made me want to blog.
I started thinking about my day and what 'tomorrow will bring'. I had a very great weekend and a great week overall. New people have entered my life that I am happy about and life itself has started meaning more to me than before. You all know the feeling when new people entire your life that makes you feel happy. At first it feels as if you have never been happier ever before. Time usually wears that feeling off a bit and you are left with the real feelings that this person brings to you. Sometimes those real feelings are strong enough to keep people together, and sometimes they aren't. I think feelings can be so confusing at first that no one should truly make seditions until they understand the true nature of their feelings. Now I know some times this point is never really reached and you must decide with out understanding and just shoot from the heart. I know that in my past my decisions were made long before the point of knowing what feeling were real. In my definition of 'rushing it' that is the key idea of what causes the rush. The strong feels that make us decide to do things to quickly and that is what causes ugliness in relationships.
So, what will tomorrow bring? Hopefully tomorrow will bring more questions and more understanding to your life. As this is the real nature of life. To look ahead and decide what life is bringing only makes the individual person doubt his/her decisions if they do not push them in the past that they see. Now, don't take that as if I am saying don't have goals and make decisions that help your reach those goals. I am saying don't limit yourself to those goals and those goals alone. Life isn't a set in stone thing. It hasn't been planed for you; it isn't a rat maze with only one way through. It is a maze with millions of turns and miss turns and endless paths to the finish line.
That is the other thing that comes from looking ahead a little too much. The thought of the finish line. The point in time in which life itself ends. In today's world, I think we have to think about this time way to much. Live insurance and death benefits for those we love. The act of writing a will is something that isn't easy for a lot of people. I have done it and I need to make changes to it but don't like the idea of it at all. I like the feeling it gives me when it is done and I know that things will be taken care of the way I want them too be. No hard decitions would have to be made by those that know me best. This world is unpredictable and as people in it we have to be ready for anything. I hate the idea that so much my life is really out of my hands.

Well sleep has been calling me as I have dosed off several times writing this. Sometimes looking forward in life is the best thing you can do. Just be carful not to change your life based on those outlooks. Try and sit back take what life brings you. Don't rush what you don't fully understand and don't get made when life brings you oranges when you want apples. You never know who needs oranges.....


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Year nearly over.....

Today I noticed an update on a friend's profile. It was a the type of update you expect a little closer to the end of this year as you start to thinking of the 12 month year coming up. The update was one of disappointment and realization of fallen ideas and dreams. It is the kind of change that makes you think of your own year and your own fallen dreams.

I started thinking about all that has happened this year. Even with all the life I had before the year 2008, this year was my worst and believe my best year of my life. It is hard to think about how good things are when so much has gone wrong. But sometime what has gone wrong causes what is right in your life. More has happened in this year than all 25 previous years of my life. The worst things in my life happened this year but at the same time the best things in my life also happened this year.

On January 1st 2008 I was a 6 ft, 210 lbs, 25 YO male. Today I am a 6 ft 165 lbs 25 YO male. I physically look different then I did those short months ago. I have moved in to a small one bedroom apartment from a huge 2 bedroom condo that I owned. I wreaked my MINI and it took over a month to get it fixed correctly. I have made drastic changes in my future plans. I have met new people that I now include in my plans for the future. I made giant leaps letting old friends know things that I never told them before. I have changed everything about who I am from the outside to how I feel on the inside. The importance level of almost everything has changed. I am no longer looking to what I is expected of me but I am looking to what I want and need for myself.

I started this year as a happy married man. I will be ending this year as a happier single man. It isn't the marriage ending that has made me happier... it is life itself that has made me happier. My outlook on life and my life itself has changed more then I knew was possible. I thought my life was perfect at the beginning of this year, but I learned differently. I learned what life really is about and what it takes to survive it. I learned how to live in the world that is real and not my own thought of what the world was. I have more confidence in myself than ever before. I have more life in me then knew existed. I am embracing life like never before. Honesty has become my first rule. Not that I wasn't honest before but I am more directly honest, I don't hide myself in any way. Questions are always answered if asked. No masks are worn to cover things that don't look good to the social world. I am a raw person because of what happened this year.

In short this year created the Andrew I always wanted to be and never had the guts or drive to create on my own. I am still learning how to be who I am today. I will be making mistakes and learning from them. I will never stop what has started within me this year. 2008 was a horrible year, yet was my best year. No matter what happens in all the years that come next, this year will stand out. I know life isn't as short as it seems but I am still going to live it as if that say was my last.

To all of you that have not had a that really bad year... You will just make sure you learn as much as you can from it as it will change your life.


Friday, September 19, 2008

Blogging.... It be a fun hobby!!!!!!

Hola everyone!!!!

I will be spending some time alone this weekend. It is something I haven't done much of the last month or so. I have been working so much these days due to the loss of some co-workers in my department and this week was no exception to that. So the next few weeks are going to be my true weeks to prove what I can do as a computer tech. I have already proven to them enough to get what I have been looking for a long time... I received a promotion this week... A huge one considering my tenor with the company. It is nice to find a group of individuals that are together to make money (aka a company) that can see and appreciate talented workers and reward them for the work they do. I have always felt held back before. I generally think it is because I am young, "companies" (really the individuals that are in the companies) can only see the stereo type of a young man and not a truly experienced and knowledgeable individual. Now, I know this sounds a little cocky... but there is another piece to this puzzle this time around, something I didn't see before.

The other piece is....I am different NOW!!! Before the recent events in my life I have always felt like I was treated like a child, and not given the respect I thought I deserved, that was very cocky and childish. At that time I didn't know better I didn't have the information about life I have gained in this short period of my life. So I was a child at that time and I was treated as I was. I no longer feel like I am being treated like a child. Not because of the promotion but because my daily thoughts about life have changed and because I have found out life is too short to not live it to its fullest. This change in feelings states by reasoning alone that I have grown and am not acting childish, or as childish. If you can't free yourself like a child can you will always find yourself trapped in a life you don't like. This time of releasing your "inter child", for lack of better words, is the way I have been able to handle all the dead end jobs, frustrating bosses, endless work, endless paperwork, and just long days I have put in to prove my dedication to doing the best I can under any condition. It is not a goal of mine to be the best... it is simply put... a direct result of my upbringing and the way I was raised. It is a natural motion for me to add 20 mins to my work day and don't take munch breaks... or throw in a free utility install when I fix a computer for someone. IT IS ME!!!!

I used to have a good friend, he said in plain words "you hate being treated like a child, but you are acting like one" some time back and at that time it I made me very angry. Now, due to the turmoil, that friend was lost to me and I wish I could tell him "I understand what you meant!!!!!" I don't think he will read this... I don't even know if he has the ability/access to do so anymore. If he does.... "I don't what a message. I am moving on with life and even if things could be good again, it wouldn't ever feel right, and you know why."

WOW... here I am writing another private message to someone in a public place!!!! But I don't believe in privacy like I used too. I used to think that my life was mine and no one else's to share with... even those closest to me!! This is also a product of my upbringing!!! Hey not everything can be a good thing from childhood. But, I don't blame my upbringing, you see someone much wiser than me one said.... You can never blame people from the past. They did the best they could with the information they had AT THE TIME".((( Inside thing for those that were speaking to me yesterday.... see what all that talking did to me... made me want to share all my good shit with everyone. LOL ))) Do you think that if those you blame for wrongs done to us in the past would have done the same things to us then if they had the knowledge they have now????!!!! The biggest regrets in my life were not things that affected ME... they are the ones that affected others, the ones I now and even then cared about.

So that was a little tangent...LOL...
(Enter soft chime) "Now we have to stop for this week, BUT!!! Next week boys and girls. We are going to be discussing what privacy means to the young adult male living in a metro area in the US in the early 21st century. This will be a great topic and I hope all you viewers at home will all tune in. From all of us here GOOD NIGHT!!!!" LOL!!!

if you just read that I am really sorry... Something must really be wrong with me this week. I am writing some really stupid shit!!!!



Monday, September 15, 2008

Hey everyone!!!

Who are your friends? That is a question I asked myself this week. Now I know what you all are thinking... "Who did what to cause him to make him think they were not his friend". That isn't it at all. I asked that question because I have so many people I call friends that it made me think how broad the definition of friend is.

I seem to bundle all my friends in to one category: "Friend". But I have all types, Acquaintance friends, MINI club friends, "real" friends, "fake" friends, great friends, FaceBook friends, MySpace friends, online friends, old friends, new friends, girl friends, girlfriends, guy friends, best friends, close friends, long distance friends, and family friends. And I am sure there are a thousand other types of friends out there. At want point can you call someone a friend? When you met the first time, the second time. I have friends I have never met.

I thought long and hard about this and I have decided to cut a few people from my friends list. Now everyone, don't get all up in arms just yet. I am making a choice to classify a friend as someone that means something to me. Now that list is still going to be very long... and it isn't like I have a real list of my friends and I am going to go through it and mark them off with a big red marker... LOL. I am just changing what it means to become my friend. What it means to have me call you friend. This last week, a great, best, online, and FaceBook friend of mine didn't respond to a message I had sent. So, I sent another, still no response. I was worried about my friend... a real worry... I was afraid that my friend was gone. I wanted to be sure they were ok. So, very long story short everything is ok... I was just getting prematurely paranoid... LOL.

So what does this mean to all of you reading this...well there are some harsh truths to this... first, I hope that I let you who need to know what you truly mean to me. Second, there are some of you out there that don't have a close place within me. Some of you don't mean much to me. It sounds horrible saying such things. But it is the truth. We all try to pretend the truth isn't something we know and recognize... we all know that it is there. We all know that there are those people that we call "friends" that if they disappear one day, it would mean nothing to us. I think that is very sad truth. I guess we need to make sure those who really mean something to us realize it. Because you may never know how others view your friendship. You could be sitting on a goldmine of great and best type of friends and never know it.

This isn't the most upbeat blog I have written and I know some times you can't always be truthful with people about what they mean to you. Sometime telling someone that they mean something to you causes problems, and telling someone they mean nothing is just cruel. I don't see myself putting this in to direct practice everyday it is just my thoughts and ideas on the subject that have spawned this week with the feeling of loss over my friend. So please don't take anything personally.

To everyone... friends or not... have a good week.


A special note to that lost friend: I know you will read this, I know you know what you mean to me but you should be told again. I still miss you, I hope you a quick return, and that all is well in with you.

Saturday, August 30, 2008


Hola everyone.

It has been a while sense my last blog. I have been keeping my life a little more private lately. Not that I don't want anyone to know what I am up to... Just life is complicated sometimes and keeping some of that stuff to yourself helps us deal with them.

Life is not about what we believe it is. It is about being who we are for real. I believe most of us forget who we are inside in order to portray the person on the outside. I have been doing this allot lately, trying to forget my internal self to do things in this world that I would normally not do. Now, I know what you all are thinking, "What is he doing?" Don't worry I am talking about good things. I am taking more confident steps to making my life better. Something my internal self would never allow me to do. Taking the steps to make sure I survive and live how I wish to live. Leaving my nice guy nature in the background and really taking an aggressive roll in my own future. You all know me... some better than others... I am not aggressive at all. Yet I am becoming that way. I don't think it is bad. I just need to make sure I don't let the success (if it is successful) go to my head and ruin it all with cockiness. That wouldn't be a good outcome.

Life will go on weather I am completely who I want to be or not. I have had to decide to let some things the same in order to survive and I am finding things in myself that I am willing to ignore in order to have a better life. These things are not all bad things, just things I wish I didn't have. I spent several years ignoring things from my past. Some good some bad things. I am looking back at those now. Doing something about them. I have made great leaps with some things that I never expected I ever would. I am moving my life forward faster than I thought I would. I suspect that it is because I was actively working on myself that this has happened. I was making sure I was doing well and making sure I was well.

Not everything in life is good. I have standard problems just like everyone else. Problems with acne... sunburns... friends and drama. And standard life issues with money, apartment, and work. Not everything can be going right at the same time because life would be boring.

Well until next time... keep life interesting.


Monday, July 14, 2008

Long weeks...even longer weekends.

Good morning everyone.

So my work weeks seem to be getting longer and longer. Work is good we are not completely slammed like we have been the last several months. But, we are still busy. We have new people in our department that are starting to take some of the pressure off.

Weekends don't seem to stop anymore. I seem to always be doing weekend projects all week long. Could be caused by the fact I don't spend much time on the weekends doing weekend projects. I do have lots of fun with friends on these non-working weekend days. After all, that is one of the points of having good friends.

I have spent a lot of time thinking the last few weeks. There have been many new things happening in my life right now. I am taking a short break from dealing with the more complex things because of my recent move to an apartment and issues with the MINI. So the move went fairly well this weekend. I had some great people come help me. I am still sore from all the lifting. I nearly have the whole house unpacked. I am leaving several things in there boxes for a while. Don't really 'need' them right now and I don't want to do any anything major until I see how things work out in the space I have. I also found a new private owned coffee shop right down the street from where I now live. They French press ALL their coffee. They have a robust Sumatran that is to die for. No sugar needed!!!

Well I should start working now... My 15 min break was over a long time ago. LOL


Tuesday, July 8, 2008


Life.... What an interesting idea. What is life all about? Is that the question we all are trying to answer as we move about this world? I think figuring out the question is the hardest part about life. The answer is the simple part.

Ok, with life we all have regrets. Sometimes we have a chance rectify some of our regrets. No we can't change past... but sometimes your past finds you in the present and allows you to do something differently then you would have then. Here is the real challenge... did you learn from your regrets so not to recreate them again!!!! This is how my life feels right now. I am honestly happy with myself right now. More so than i have been in a very very long time. You know I spent the last several years of my life thinking I was happy... now i am happier. I am happier, yet daily life isn't all that different, I don't have millions of dollars, i am still not a rock star, no movie deals, can't even get a raise at work. I know what it takes to be happy now and all of that is just stuff and doesn't create happiness. I can't share with you what I found that makes me happy. It is something personal and each of us has to find it for themselves.

So life seems to give us the courage we need when we really need it. We each need courage to get through the tough times. But, some of us need courage in everyday life. I have never been one with very much courage. I can't do many of the things that make me happy because of this and it has always held me back. I am getting over this human weakness and replacing it with confidence. This confidence has changed me.

I am fighting for what I want in life not just settling for what life gives me. I am going to become that outgoing person that i have always wanted to be yet never could bring myself to do. I am changing in to a real person through my own eyes. Others have said they don't understand what is going on with me. That is because everyone on the outside only understands what you show them. We each hide a piece of ourselves from our friends and family. Sometimes we get luck and find a person that we can truly open up too and if we are really lucky we find several of these. These are true friends. We find out more about ourselves by sharing then by keeping everything inside and milling it over forever. I learned this way to late in my life. I don't think it can be taught, some people are handed a gift and learn as this as they grow up. Others like me figure this out later when life decides to change in ways we didn't expect. This change causes thinking and this thinking leads to learning.

I am lucky; I am very intelligent and can think through ideas like this using logic. However, I am very unlucky because I have a hard time looking at these ideas in an emotional way. Here is examples... imagine looking at this picture....

.,:;;++++++;:,. )iii+:::;iii))+i='
.:;++=iiiiiiiiii=++;. =::,,,:::=i));=+'
,;+==ii)))))))))))ii==+;, ,,,:=i))+=:
,;+=ii))))))IIIIII))))ii===;. ,,:=i)=i+
;+=ii)))IIIIITIIIIII))))iiii=+, ,:=));=,
+i)ii::, +)IIITI+:+i)I))TTTTLLTTTTTII))=,
:=;)i=:,, ,i++::i))I)ITTTTTTTTTTIIII)=+'
.+ii)i=::,, ,,::=i)))iIITTTTTTTTIIIII)=+
+=:))i==;:::;=iii)+)= ..:i)))IIIII)ii+'

and not seeing anything other than the symbols and letters that make it up, no image, no planet. I feel I miss the image most of the time.

Ok... I have to stop now... I am posting ASCII art.... there has to be something wrong with me... LOL...

Good night everyone. Sleep well.


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Another Another MINI update

This is what I posted on my MINI club fourm.

So the repair shop called me today and said I could come pickup the MINI. I stopped by knowing that I would find something wrong with their work, and sure enough they didn't even touch the mushroomed strut tower top. He even tried to show me another MINI they had in there that had looked "exactly the same" as mine. I took one look at this PS Cooper Convertible and noticed that strut tower was flat and I said that is how it is supposed to look "flat". The guy started to argue with me, here a small part of that conversation.

Repair guy: It looks like the other MINI sits up higher on that side too.
(I didn't even dignify this with a response, He was trying to tell me that a all MINI strut towers sit higher on the passenger side. I almost laughed, but held my tongue)

Me: This isn't repaired and is not acceptable.

Repair Guy: We pulled it right down to spec. I even have numbers for you.

Me: It is still damaged and it would void my warranty on my suspension.

Repair Guy: If I get a dealer to sign off on it will you accept it.

Me: If you get a written guaranty from the dealer that my warranty is not voided by the damage, yes. My advisor at the dealer ship is Justin Grey.

Repair Guy: Is he at the Chandler dealership?

Me: There is no Chandler dealership. The only one is North Scottsdale. No one else is certified on MINIs.

Repair Guy: Are you telling me that the place that sold me the parts doesn't have anyone certified on MINI's?

Me: Yes

Repair Guy: Who told you that?


Repair Guy: Well I am going to take it down here to my parts supplier (I guess Chandler BMW) and get a sign off on it.

Me: Fine

I got a call later in the day… They are taking it to MNS to get a signoff that the mushroomed strut tower is ok. I have already called Justin at MSN and let him know the situation. So much for getting his supplier to sign off on it.

Anyone want to guess what MNS is going to say?

I don't think I will take it even if he gets the signoff. I have contacted my insurance and put notes on the claim that they are not wanting to fix a damaged piece and that I don't think having a damaged item on the MINI is very safe.

Here was the Final Estimate:

PARTS 5868.10

PARTS DISCOUNT $ 5443.26 -5.0% -272.16

BODY LABOR 18.7 HRS @$ 42.00/HR 785.40

PAINT LABOR 5.2 HRS @$ 42.00/HR 218.40

MECHANICAL LABOR 9.7 HRS @$ 65.00/HR 630.50

FRAME LABOR 5.5 HRS @$ 42.00/HR 231.00

PAINT SUPPLIES 5.2 HRS @$ 26.00/HR 135.20




SUBTOTAL $ 8044.46

SALES TAX $ 5780.42 @ 7.8000% 450.87


GRAND TOTAL $ 8495.33

Monday, June 23, 2008

Learning from Random Eveyday Things

I was inspired to write something today after reading a random note that a friend had posted on FaceBook. They informed me it was given to them by a friend some time ago. I started thinking about how much we learn when we are not looking for knowledge. I would like to share what perspectives I gained from reading this note. But, first, I need to share the note I found:

"I want a guy that fits this. Prove to me, you're not all the same"

From a guys point of view:

We don't care if you talk to other guys.

We don't care if you're friends with other guys.

But when you're sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him, without even introducing us, yeah, its pisses us off.

It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we're still there.

We don't care if a guy calls >OR TEXTS< you, but at 2 in the morning we do get a little concerned.

Nothing is that important at 2 a.m. that it can't wait
till the morning.

Also, when we tell you you're pretty/ beautiful/ gorgeous/
cute/ stunning, we freaking mean it.

Don't tell us we're wrong.

We'll stop trying to convince you.

The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence.
Yeah, you can quote me.

Don't be mad when we hold the door open. Take Advantage of the mood im in.

let us pay for you!

dont "feel bad"

We enjoy doing it.

It's expected.

Smile and

say "thank you."

Kiss us when no

one's watching.

If you kiss us when you know somebody's looking, we'll be more impressed.

You don't have to get dressed up for us.

If we're going out with you in the first place, you don't have to feel the need to
wear the shortest skirt you have or put on every kind of makeup you own.

We like you for who you are and not what you are.

honestly, i think a girl looks more beautiful when she's just in her pj's. or my tshirt and boxers, not all dolled up

Don't take everything we say seriously.

Sarcasm is a beautiful thing. See the beauty in it.

Don't get angry easily.

Stop using magazines/media as your bible.

Don't talk about how hott Morris Chesnutt, Brad Pitt, or Jesse McCartney is in front of us.

It's boring, and we don't care. You have girlfriends for that.

Whatever happened to the word "handsome"/"beautiful"

I'd be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted me
with "Hey handsome!" instead of "Hey baby/ stud/ cutie/ sexy" or whatever else you can think of.

on the other hand im not sayin i woulndnt like it ether ; )

Also "getting some" is not the only thing EVERY guy cares about.
Girls, proof of this is if a guy will wait for you to be "ready" to "take your relationship to the next level"

Not all guys are the same. And we're not all perfect either. We're only human.

Girls, I cannot stress this enough: if you aren't being treated right by a guy, dont wait for him to change. ditch his sorry, disgrace to the male population ass and find someone who will treat you with utter respect

Someone who will honor your morals.

Someone who will make you smile when you're at your

Someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes.

Someone who will love you, no matter how bad you make them feel.

Someone who will stop what they're doing just to look you in the eyes....and say "i love you" ..and actually mean it.

Give the nice guys a chance

So what did I get out of this??? I kind of got a sign... a sign that gives me hope that I am on the right track to learning how be the person I really want to be and that I am not alone in my way of thinking.

I don't know why, but reading this note sparked a major change in my way of thinking. As most of you know about the huge life changes I am facing right now. Having my thoughts switch from the big picture to looking at the small random events that happen in life as a learning tool is a big deal. In my last post I stated "...I have never been the kind of person that could say just screw the consequences..." I am still not that kind of person. But, this new way of thinking will help me stop sitting on the sidelines because I am afraid of the huge consequences that taking a small risk might have. Just like me starting a blog was a huge risk. At that time I was not as stable a person as I am now and putting my ideas on paper could have caused major problems in my life. But, taking that risk is what helped me become the person I am today. Taking risks is the only way to grow and to learn what life is all about.

This random note has changed one more thing. I am now a firm believer that all things, big or small, happen for a reason. It is amazing how these small things that we come across each day can change us in ways we can't fathom. They can complete change how we think and spark huge ideas. I think life teaches us the most important lessons when we least expect it. We gain fast knowledge from tiniest events. Because of this I will now be paying more attention to the random happening around me.

Small things can change lives…


Sunday, June 22, 2008

What a weekend..

Another great weekend out on the town passes... WOW I am tired, yet can't seem to sleep today. I was out with friends on Friday night, Saturday night, and most of the day on Sunday. I am going to have to spend next weekend at home getting things done here.

Well I haven't blogged in a while. Lots to catch everyone up on. My MINI is still not back in my garage... Don't really know when it is going to be done. I am going to make sure I stop by there tomorrow to check on it. I am also going to go get the paperwork done for my passport tomorrow. Yeah a passport... I am looking for some more travel in my future. My company is really getting a lot of international business and they need all the help over there they can get. I am hoping for a short trip to Germany.

So this whole me not sleeping tonight thing it weird. I have had some very sleepless nights in the last several months for obvious reasons. But tonight is different. I just can't shut my brain off. I have been stuck in a thinking mode since about 6PM; it is 3:45AM now!!! There is just a lot to ponder today. Most of which is not for this or any other blog. Well most of what I am pondering is good stuff. Stuff about how I am going to proceed with my life, where I am going to take my daily routine, and how I am going to grow my group of friends. That last one is the one I am having the most difficult time with.

Here is why... I am not a single person, never really was single in my adult life nor most of my late teen life. I have never lived alone until now. I have to figure all of this being single and living alone stuff out. Right now I feel like I am floating down the river without a paddle. I have no frame of reference when it comes to living life in this way. So, I know I am going to be making a lot of mistakes. Making mistakes with life is how you learn. But at the same time knowing I am going to make mistakes also keeps me from doing things I really want to because I don't want a mistake to cause problems that makes life even harder to deal with for others as well as myself. Well I have never been the kind of person that could say just screw the consequences and just do what I want. I can't do that, I have too much respect for everyone around me to create that kind of turmoil. I am working to get over this mental block and take some risks with my life... by doing that I might just learn how to live...

Well I am going to get back to surfing the web and watching videos... I still have a season of Transformers the original to watch... and now I have the new Transformers Animated and several other shows to catch up on.

You all have a good night sleeping.


Saturday, June 14, 2008

Another MINI update

Well I have another update. I will have my MINI back on the 23rd... If all the parts and everything arive on time.

I was able to see it the other day. It was cool to see the MINI all tore down and everything all laying on racks. Some for repair and some for replacement. I guess I hit the something with the AC unit and they are having to replace everything. Well I guess I will have a good suspention and new AC work.

I am confused about one thing.. They were going to straighten the frame. If they can't straighten it to specs then will they total the MINI? that is a question I can't answer.

Good night all


Monday, June 9, 2008

MINI update and my day

So the MINI will most likely not going to be totaled. The initial parts estimate. 6800-7000. I fully expect that it will go higher as they dig in to the damage more. Now I am hoping that they can fix it up right. I will not take anything less than perfect. It should look and drive better then the day I hit the curb. I mean I am getting an entirely new suspension on the one side and depending on how the other side looks... maybe that one too. So if it doesn't drive better then there is a problem.

So life throws curve balls at you all the time. This one is costly but it shouldn't be to bad. I have good insurance and I shouldn't even have my policy premiums go up any. I think I will get away will very little out of pocket.

Well all I did today is work. As usual it was a shitty day at work. We are in this new office building that sucks, No high speed internet, no phones, no fax. It is like working in a sweet shop without any cloth to make cloths with. There isn't a point. We are stuck in this new office for 4 weeks because our office is under construction.... We will see if I have something better than a cube when I get back... I doubt it.

Good night all. I hope you all had a great day.


Sunday, June 8, 2008

Good Bye Post

I am going to use this post to say good bye to a coworker and a friend. I didn't know you well nor did I know you long but you are still a friend. I will try and keep in touch though the business of life.

So to my friend. Have a safe journey to your destination. May the journey of life take you to great places and show you great things. Have fun with it.


Thursday, June 5, 2008

What a night!!!

Link to pic won't you will just have to find it in my myspace pic section.

That says it all. I hit a curb in my MINI...I was heading our Brown Rd and went around the roundabouts, on the second one I moved to the inside lane and I just started sliding, went right in to the curb. I was going about 35-40. I guess I really needed new tires.

I was just trying taking a nice long drive out in to the mountains to be alone and away from everything for a while. I didn't even make it 3 miles from the house. WOW.

At least I am ok. The MINI is fixable and it shouldn't take too long no body damage. Well I guess it is to the rental car place tomorrow and get everything worked out with the insurance.


Another day passes

One more day in the saga of life passes. I was home sick from work today and I will be working from home tomorrow. They started construction on a new room in our office. The noise may allow me to work from home for the next month. They are looking at a business suite to move us to for a short time but we will still be without all of our resources that the full office has and the temp location is a longer drive from the house. I should ask for mileage for the extra distance.

One of these days I will get back to a normal sleeping pattern. Right now I can't sleep. I have too many thoughts in my head and they are keeping me awake. I just don't have the want to take meds to go to sleep today. I can't stand having to rely on a pill to make sure I sleep.

Well I have found several apartments that I wouldn't mind moving in to. That is a good step forward in moving on with life AM. (After Marriage) That is a good way of looking at it. To know that life goes on is a huge step after you have decided to divorce. To know that life is worth living is another step. I haven't reached that one yet. I am still too busy trying to find out how to survive. At this point, that is correct, I don't know if life after losing person you were planning the rest of your life with is really worth living alone. Life has dealt me a shitty hand at this time. I am doing my best with it. I will try and not let my feelings bring me down.

Most days I just miss her. I spend a few hours every day all by myself just thinking about why. I love her more now than I can ever remember in the past. I think it is because of what she is doing. She is taking the initiative and trying to find her own way through life. That is something that always attracted me to her, her strength to be herself. You know it is hard to be yourself while you are with someone else all the time. How do you keep yourself from losing yourself in a relationship? That is a question I can't answer. I lost myself in the relationship and that caused a ripple effect that caused her to lose herself too. Now this isn't the only reason we are not together anymore. It is just one.

You know the phrase; you don't know what you got until is gone. That isn't always true: but, most of the time you realize a lot more about what you had after it is gone.

Well I think I am going to go take one of my pills and go to sleep now. It is too early in the morning to keep typing like this.


Monday, June 2, 2008

Well I have slept a few times

Ok... so Saturday didn't go bad. It wasn't bad staying in the other room while she was here. I still felt like I should have gone with her after she left. But I have always felt that way every time she would leave the house without me. I will never really be over her. I still love her very much.

Back to my life only for a bit. I am starting to make real progress on packing up the house. I also found and purchased a bed this weekend. I started looking for an apartment. I am looking kind of early but you can never be too prepared for what is coming. I seven bought a few things I know I will be without after all of this is over. No need to do without stuff when you can take care of it before hand.

So, life after marriage is looking better to me now than ever before. I will be able to start over and do things just for me for a while. I am looking forward to having time to myself. I do miss the companionship and having that person there to talk to everyday about nothing important. You know those are the best conversations... the ones where you just talk about everything yet really nothing all at the same time. That is when you really get to know people and how they think. Now, don't get me wrong, conversations about the important things are great as well and have to happen otherwise you end up without anyone to talk to. That is the key to have a good interaction with people... communication.

I am trying to learn to communicate better. I am horrible at it now. Example, I IMed someone the comment I used earlier "conversations about nothing important are the best and that I hadn't had one of those in a while". So there response was that I was rude. Now, I understand it was just taken in a sarcastic way. But I don't know how to put it differently to make it make more sense. I don't think it is possible. Just like I don't think, in the context I wrote the same thing earlier, it is going to be taken that way again. I guess I haven't learned enough about the people I must communicate with to know how they will take what I say. I have gotten the comment that I say things without thinking of how they are going make others feel. I guess I assumed that they knew me well enough to know that what I said wasn't meant to hurt them.

I don't think enough about what I am going to say. I take forever to write these blogs because I pick every word carefully. I try not to mention names or specifics about things that might hurt the people in the blog. I think of those who will be reading this as I write. I think of how they will read it and what they might think. No one can predict everything someone else will think. That is what makes us ourselves, makes us individuals. But, when I talk that time buffer isn't there and things just come out without thinking of those around you. It is a filter that I don't have.

Well I am going to quit for now. My evening is just beginning and I have to work the early shift tomorrow. I get to play golf tomorrow afternoon!!!

Good night.


Friday, May 30, 2008

I did sleep

So I did end up sleeping about 4 to 5:30. I even ate breakfast before going to bed... that was fun. I don't think I have ever done that before.

So my wife is coming to the house today to get some things. She wanted me to leave but I am working so I have to be at home. I will be locked in my office while she is here, by her request. I guess I am more of a stress on her then I imagined. I seem to look at simple quarrels between people a lot different now that I have had so many other issues with myself. Having a disagreement isn't the end of the world. It felt that way before a lot. Because it is the simple things in life that make it worth living right? For a long time I thought the little things are what made life. I know now that is not true. The little things make life great but without the big complicated emotional and social connections, life is really just empty.

Ok... to much deep shit for just a simple blog post. I will leave that to the my big blogs that take like an hour to write and I read over about ten times before posting.

I don't know how I will feel with her in the next room and me not being able to talk with her or see her. It will be strange. But, that is the way it has to be now. because neither one of us can handle it right now. Her because of stress and me because of emotions. We are in the exact same place...LOST. Well I will write later on how it goes. I don't know when she is going to be here. I only know after 9am... it is 10 am now so maybe any moment. I had to leave a note for her... there are things that need splitting and she needs to decide on that stuff too. I even took the time this morning to move a few of my things so she doesn't know everything that is going on in my life. I don't know why I did this... maybe I want to get past not sharing everything little.

Have a good day everyone. I will try to do the same.



So, I haven't slept... I got caught up on my forums and I didn't go to bed... now I have to work in just over two hours and I am thinking it might be easier to just stay awake.

I haven't done the not sleeping all night thing in a long time. I don't know how this is going to work. I have never done it before a work day before. If I sleep now I will not want to wake up. If I stay awake I will pass out before my day is done. hmmm.. I would rather pass out today. I will make sure I take a good shower before I have to start working. One of the cats has been sleeping fine on the computer desk all night. The other cats have been in just to see what is going on then leave again. Nothing exciting to them about me sitting in my chair typing on forums and reading specs on Bluetooth headsets. The company is letting us pick some up for use on our blackberries. I am looking in to what ones work best.

On to more forums. Just thought I would post a blog about my sleepless night.

Pray for a slow work day.


Thursday, May 29, 2008

Time to blog again...

Ok... so I have decided to continue what I started about true friends.

I had to stop in the middle of this before because I hit a mental dead end... Writers block you might say, but not really because it wasn't not being about to write it was not being about to get past the last thought I had. "What makes a true friend"?

I have been thinking of this for a while. It all started about a week ago when I put on this friendship bracelet that someone very close to me made a long time ago. I found it buried in some computer junk I was going through to pack what was worth keeping.

When I put it on I thought it would remind me of her and I would act better. That didn't work very well because I still did things that hurt her and that hurt me. After last weekend I know look at this bracelet with new purpose. It isn't to remind me of that friend; it is to remind me to be a friend, a good friend. You see I can't be a friend to this person anymore. I love her to much and it hurts to much to think of that right now. I have had to let that friendship go as well. That adds to the overall pain but it allows me to be a better person right now. The person I need to be for now. I still hope that I have not lost this friendship forever but I know right now that isn't something I can think about.

Like I said I am looking at this bracelet not as a reminder of the person but of the idea of what a friend should be. This is one of the hardest things I have ever tried to put in to words. It isn't easy to describe a true friend. I have many that I don't even know are true friends. I say this because many times they are with you and you don't know because neither of you had been in a situation where a true friend was required. It is almost like a trial by fire, you have to prove that you are a true friend. I know this is a hard concept to put in to writing. I didn't do a good job if it here. I will have to revisit this topic again sometime in the future when I am wiser and can better describe what it takes to be a friend.

We all have friends many of us treat friends like we can get a thousand more where they came from, but you can't. Great friends that are there for you through anything are really in short supply. I find myself with more great friends these days then I knew I had before. I am lucky.

I find myself thinking of another topic now. I have not only been finding friends, I am finding strengths and feelings within me that I didn't know could exist. When I had my breakdown, I opened myself for the first time in my life to the world. I would have never dreamed of writing something like this before. I was not someone who would share thoughts and feelings. I would only share small bits and pieces here and there as I thought I needed to keep the image of myself how I wanted it to be seen. It was a piece of my shell. Today, I have a new shell, me. I am not hiding real self anymore I am expanding who I am by not holding my emotions and thoughts in complete isolation as I have done before. I said complete isolation, if you didn't hold yourself back in some way you would be out of control.

I was out of control for some weeks after my breakdown. Looking back I don't even remember most of it and what I do remember was not something I want to experience again. I remember it as if I was watching myself, I feel like I wasn't really me. Even the images I remember are of me sitting on the floor near the couch and I am looking at myself. Not in a mirror but from outside myself. It is the strangest feeling in the world to remember looking at yourself as if you were anther person. I am glad to be back in myself again. I am not the same person because I have grown and I am going to be a better person.

Well to all of you friends out there, Thank you for being a friend to whomever you are a friend to. You mean more than you know to them as my friend mean everything to me. I am working on being a better friend for all of you.


Monday, May 26, 2008

New Horizons

Today I am working on plans for my future. It is looking brighter and brighter every time I work on them. You see I didn't have high hopes for my future without the one I love in it. That future has now been decided, it doesn't exist. It took a while to look past that and start seeing what future you can have when all I have done for years is look to that future and that future only. It turns out that my future I was looking forward to isn't one that was all that nice. It might have been at some point, but it would have taken a long time. Now, I am not thinking just because things are changing that everything is going to be perfect. I know it is going to take a long time for me to get back where I was. To make up the ground I lost because of this change. If this change is done correctly, it will help make that time a lot less. I know I haven't taken this change very well and I have done very stupid things and made decisions at times I should have just done nothing. But that is what humans do, we make decisions some good some bad. It is free will. We have to live with all of those decisions.

The fall out usually isn't good but we have to live with that. That is part of having that free will. We have two choices is things go wrong, run from it, or deal with it. I was a runner for a long time. I wasn't a direct runner; I covered everything up kept it secret and hidden. But this was still running from it. I have to deal with everything. It built up for so long my cover cracked and I was nearly drowned by it. I am working on ways to deal with everything, I will never be back to covering it up. I am going to make myself the best person I can. I am gong to be the social person I never was, and I am going to be the good friend I never was before. I am also going to try being a brother and a son like never before. I will have to take baby steps as I am still an "emotional infant" (my bothers words). I will learn fast because I understand things I didn't before. I see things I never dreamed before.

I now see my own personal potential. My potential, not to succeed in my career, but in my life. I see possibilities that were never even in my dreams before. This is a good day. I know not every day will not be good. But everyday will be better now.

Today is my day!!!! Today is the day I am the better person for once and not respond to what annoys me, or what makes no sense. I will not be who I have been when it comes to life. Because life hasn't given me slack so why should I give it slack.

Today is full of new goals and new plans and new hopes. Today is now.


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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Real Friends
Current mood: understimulated
Category: Friends
The word Friend:

1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: "friends of the Boston Symphony."

3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: "Who goes there? Friend or foe?"

I am not a friend. I have never been a friend to anyone. I have friends and had friends. But I have not been a friend. Never have I completely made my self available as a friend. Even now after all I have seen and experienced I still can not look at my self as a friend.

I am going to change this. I am going to make me better to make my friends better. Because who are we without friends. Sometimes love comes and goes, but friends are forever. I still remember my first friend. My mom always took her home from school during kindergarten. We always played the same song off a tape in our big blue van. I still remember the feelings of friendship. I was so young then and I didn't have the weight of the world on me and things were simple. When you were young you didn't hold grudges for weeks only seconds. The words mad and angry only applied to short periods of time. Today those words span years and decades. Why can't we be like kids and forget what others have done to us. We say we act like adults but sometimes kids are more truly adult then we are. I know this is the way everyone is in this world but I try not to let things get to me. If they do it usually only takes a few hours for me to get over it. That didn't happen with my heart break. It got in me and stuck in me and I am still trying to get over it.

This all started on April 14th. That is the day I lost control, I broke down. It took over two weeks and medication to get me back to my right mind. But that just got me to a point where I can start working on my emotions. I am now over three weeks in to that and I still haven't gotten far. I still need help almost every day to stay afloat. But I am happy that I am working at it.

My heart didn't break until May 7th. That was the day my wife told me she didn't have feelings for me anymore. That is the day that everything I wanted in life changed. Before that day everything in my life was about her. Everything I did in my life was for her. Even the selfish things I did were about her in some way. Maybe I just wanted to make her proud of me. maybe I just wanted her to respect me. Maybe I just wanted to impress her. At some point doing everything wasn't enough. She stopped getting what she wanted from me. Maybe I should have been a friend.

So what is a friend. We can debate that for a long time. None of us have the exact blueprint for a friend. But we all know the best friends we have. We just know who they are.....................

For some reason I have lost my thoughts on this subject right now. I will pick this up in a later post.

May we all be great friends.


Sunday, May 25, 2008

Never try to hard

Just when you think you have everything under control and you can start getting things back to the new normal. You try to be a friend in the best why you know how, but you do it for the right reasons but the wrong way. Then your friendship is over. Just like that someone can decide that you are not worth the trouble. That what you done isn't worth dealing with anymore. That same person who once said they loved you and cared about you would do things just to piss you off. To be the exact child they were complaining you were and say they were the only one acting like an adult.

I have been a child for a long time. I haven't needed to be anything more because no one demanded it of me. Human nature will always take the easier path. Growing up is the hard path to take. It takes you places you have never been. as it scares the hell out of me. I am trying to be an adult now that I have broken down and know my life can't continue without becoming one. Learning the hard lesions and losing a lot. As of this morning I lost not only the woman I love but I have lost my best friend. Because I tried to hard, to fast to become a great friend. That takes time and time will be the only thing that will repair our friendship. I was trying to fix a friendship that wasn't broken. And by trying to fix it I broke it. I can't let anyone forgive me because I won't forgive myself. I am adding to my sadness. And pushing her away.

I want to send her this post but if I did she wouldn't read it. It would be stepping across a boundary that was set this morning. I am fighting the urge to call her or drive to her and talk. I just want her to know my feelings. I want her to know that I do care. I guess right now all I can do is nothing. I can just sit here typing to the world and hope the world responds. I will not do what I want to do any more. I will do what I need to do. Right now I need to put my life as a married child behind me and move on with life as an adult. What does that mean? I don't know yet, but right now I don't have much to choose. I have to take the path that is best not the easiest.

Right now my path from this point looks like this. I am packing up my house this week. Next week I will be working toward getting rid of the house via a short sale with my bank and i will need to find a place to stay. I will most likely move all my stuff in to storage. Travel light for a while. This will not last forever. I will need to get a place to stay cheep fast. And then rebuild my credit from all of this and move on with my life.

This is my plan. I hope it works.


Saturday, May 24, 2008


NEVER SHARE GOSSIP!!! Especially over text or email when it is about the person you are sending it to. The only thing it gets you is more hardship. People take one thing the wrong way and they will never get past that for the rest of the email or conversation and longer.

Many things have happened to me in the last month or so. Some of you know what is going on some of you don't. I am getting divorced. The fallout of that has been earthshaking. It effects everything you do and say. My wife and I are trying to do this on good ground and stay friends. Of course that is hard to do when everything, even yourself, is working against you. Yeah, I am my own worst enemy. I cause more rifts when not trying to and for a while at first as my way of coping I did it intentionally. Because I don't fully understand why I am getting divorced. I know that my wife and I have not had a great relationship. (Who really has?) I know that she doesn't have the feelings for me that she used to and I know that she isn't happy. But those are the reasons, I am looking for the reasons of the reasons. I am looking for the why these reasons exist. I may never know that answer. but that answer could be the key to knowing, if there is a next time, how to change things, how to fix it. That is what us men have been bred and cultured to do. To fix anything that needs it. Trying to fix relationships is a bad idea.

I have always had a hard time with understanding how other people think. Most of the time I can figure out how they think but can't figure out why so then I can't understand. I amaze people sometimes with what I remember. But most people don't realize it isn't what i remember, it is the way i think that amazes them. Most of what I am able to talk about isn't from direct knowledge... it is from knowing how to deduct the knowledge from what I already know. It is putting 2 and 2 together. So when people are trying to talk with me sometimes I put things together and share the end result and of course no one knows what i am talking about at that point. I find myself backtracking to get the whole mess cleaned up. But sometimes it causes a big rift. This rift can end the conversation before it can be corrected and then it is just that a rift and nothing can be done about it. This is my real communication flaw. I have no way of telling people how I get to the answers I get to. Sometimes it is straight from the gut.

I have a new goal today. I am going to start communicating from directly from my heart whenever I can. I am going to stop putting my flawed thinking structure between it and the person I am speaking. Because it doesn't help when it comes to emotional sharing. Plus my mind takes too long to decipher the emotion in to useful thoughts. I guess that is flaw number two.

Emotion has never been a natural thing for me. In my direct opinion, I didn't even have tangible emotion until just a few weeks ago. I have even scared myself several times in my life when I didn't feel emotion at a point in life when a person should have. I was truly scared that I couldn't have a real emotional response. I have shared that info with one person in my life up to this point. Now things are different. I am so filled with emotion that I am spilling over. I am a Pandora's box and I never want to be closed. The pure bliss of feeling emotion at this level is amazing. At first my emotions consisted of being sad, depressed, and angry. I didn't feel love or happiness. I didn't see anything to be happy about. I am more happy now. I am happy that I am alive, that I can survive this divorce and move on, that I have friends, and that my wife can now be happy now. Not everything is good I still am hurting because of the loss and I cry a lot. But now know that loss isn't going to end my life like I thought before. Friends and family and yourself are your life. Nothing can take that away completely.

I hope your days went well. I am still trying to find my way to that good day.


Friday, May 23, 2008

Finding Friends

I didn't want to clutter up a great post like the last one with stuff about a party so I am writing another post.

Good friends are hard to find. There are thousands of them out there yet it is almost impossible to find them. Sometimes you get lucky and run in to a huge group of them all at once. I think that happened to me yesterday. A friend introduced me to a new group of people. There were a lot of good people in that group. We drank and talked and just had fun. I remember having fun like that with friends before but this was different. This was a group that didn't even know who I was and they treated me as I had been there for years or was that just me who felt that way. No way to know. I just had fun I relaxed and let most of my worries go. I focused on that point in time not the past not the future but right there right then. And that was what made it fun. So I have a headache from last night yet. I had a little beer and I am not used to that anymore it has been a while sense I have drank like that. Well I know I am not going to make that an every week thing. But I am going to do it more often because friends can't be left to drink all the beer alone.


Great days ahead

Two day have pasted without me completely falling apart. It is a new record sense, what I will call for lack of a better description, my breakdown. Friends are the reason I haven't fallen apart again. They are also the reason, if I have the will power, I won't fall apart again.

My friends even the newest ones showed me that even when you feel like you are at the bottom there is still so much to be happy about. I meet new friends this weekend. Still no one as young as me but that it ok, because you can't learn as much from someone with so little experience in the world. I rarely have a true chance to speak from experience about life as I am still at the beginning.

Before now I looked at my divorce as an end of the life I started. But it isn't an end it is just another step. I am now taking this step like I did all my other ones, head first. But one thing will change, I won't ever jump again without first really having conversations with those affected and putting deep and meaningful thought in to the decisions. I now see you can't coast down the road of life and just steer, You have to DRIVE.

I hope everyone has a save and happy drive.


Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Thoughts after a good day

For every bad day someone has they need at least one good day to follow it up. If this didn't happen and everyday was bad eventually life wouldn't be worth the trouble and you would just stop trying. That is when people spiral in to complete ruin and become one of those people they never wanted to be. We all know several of these people they may even be your friends or even the ones you love and you may not know who they are. Because many of these people try extremely hard to cover up who they have become.

You see I see myself as one of these people. I didn't get to that point because of bad days after bad days. I got there by not being satisfied with what I was thinking and feeling and doing every day. But there is one other thing different I never realized that I had given up because I can't remember trying. I have come a long way from that point because of the person I fell in love with. Loving that person gave me the strength and the reason to become better. I did become better but I still have a long road ahead of me.

I have a saying that I use often. "Every time you think you know enough, you learn that you don't know enough." This can be applied to everything school, work, even life. Because if you ever find yourself at the point where you are at the end of a learning path, then you haven't went far enough. It is a direct meaning from the truth that you can never catch the horizon. It is an endless chase. I was in that spot, where I didn't know what else there was to learn about life. Then all of a sudden life showed me the new horizon to chase and I realized I just wasn't looking hard enough to see it.

Life will always be a leaning experience if you let it teach you.


Another nearly sleepless night

Yet again I am awake way to early in the morning. I spend more hours awake between 2 am and 6 am then I get work done between 7 am to 4 pm. Tonight it is heart burn and heart ache. I am continuing to screw-up a friendship that all I want to do is leave alone for a short time to make it better when I am truly ready to be a friend. One of these days I hope they create something that allows us to know what others are thinking. Because sometimes asking doesn't work. A lot of of the bad stuff that happens between friends or couples are misunderstandings that never get resolved because either one or both parties don't communicate or don't know how. Right now, I don't know how. So every time I try it doesn't end in understanding just more confusion and heart ache.

From yesterdays post, I am trying to become better. Trying to become better at communicating and having to communicate to others that you are trying to learn how to better communicate is an impossible feet. An impossible feet that if pulled off will make you rethink learning anything because you just did the impossible. What else is there to learn?

Take it from me, a young male that grew up miles from the closest small midwestern town, not learning social skills while young will destroy almost every relationship, even friendships, until you take a step back from them and truly learn how to communicate. This step back will not come without creating more misunderstandings and more issues. But if your friends are truly good friends they will try to understand. As you must try to understand if they don't' understand.

Yeah, this is not rocket science, but there aren't any easy answers or simple solutions to these life issues. Experience is really the key to dealing with these. Whether you get it on your own or by talking with others who have learned already. You have to learn this not for others but for yourself. And there might be many out there that disagree with this but sometimes taking a short break from a friend or even the person you love is really needed and is just what it says it is a break not an end.

Hope you all slept better than me,


Anyone want to comment on these little ideas?
"When two people can't communicate assumptions are all that can exist."
"If you are not happy as you, you + one = more unhappiness"

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

A better day

Today I started on the right foot. (well maybe I don't know which foot hit the ground first) I started today with a short list of positive things and I have keep running them through my mind when I have time to think. You know, thinking about positive things makes the day go better. Because everything looks more positive when you do. Even the really bad stuff, even the stuff that hurts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I am a male in his mid 20s and I shouldn't be sharing all this touchy feely stuff. That culture driven stereo-type isn't all that great. It teaches all us males that feelings are not something to embrace, to share, or to let effect our lives. Well some of us find out the hard way that falling in to this social, culture stereo-type can kill everything that is good in our lives. Finding this out causes even fewer of us to change our lives to make ourselves better people and better men.

It is amazing what life can teach you if you are willing. I haven't been very willing in years past but when you have an epiphany moment your thoughts, feelings, and even beliefs can change. Someday I will be better, because I know I am working toward that goal.

That is all for now… maybe I will want to type again at the end of my day.

Monday, May 19, 2008

My first post about a bad day.

So today I had a really bad day.
First, I woke up way way to early. Then, getting ready for work wasn't easy, seemed to always be forgetting something in everything I did. I ended up not having time for breakfast even though I was up early. The drive to work was boring. Then, I was messing around with settings on my Facebook account and sent relationship change requests to people I never meant to. (That bit me in the ass later in the day.) We weren't busy today so I didn't have to spend every second trying to catch up. So I had time to think. I really started to feel sorry for myself and started to get stressed out about my life and where it was going to go from here. Later, after I was able to talk with my father for support my day got better for a little while. Then I made a smart decision for once today but even that didn't go great. Then I went home. And on the way home I nearly fell apart and I had to call someone who would listen and help me cope and I started to feel better. That is where I am now, better not good.

Thank you for all who supported me today. I hope I can return the favor someday when I am finally good.