Monday, May 26, 2008

New Horizons

Today I am working on plans for my future. It is looking brighter and brighter every time I work on them. You see I didn't have high hopes for my future without the one I love in it. That future has now been decided, it doesn't exist. It took a while to look past that and start seeing what future you can have when all I have done for years is look to that future and that future only. It turns out that my future I was looking forward to isn't one that was all that nice. It might have been at some point, but it would have taken a long time. Now, I am not thinking just because things are changing that everything is going to be perfect. I know it is going to take a long time for me to get back where I was. To make up the ground I lost because of this change. If this change is done correctly, it will help make that time a lot less. I know I haven't taken this change very well and I have done very stupid things and made decisions at times I should have just done nothing. But that is what humans do, we make decisions some good some bad. It is free will. We have to live with all of those decisions.

The fall out usually isn't good but we have to live with that. That is part of having that free will. We have two choices is things go wrong, run from it, or deal with it. I was a runner for a long time. I wasn't a direct runner; I covered everything up kept it secret and hidden. But this was still running from it. I have to deal with everything. It built up for so long my cover cracked and I was nearly drowned by it. I am working on ways to deal with everything, I will never be back to covering it up. I am going to make myself the best person I can. I am gong to be the social person I never was, and I am going to be the good friend I never was before. I am also going to try being a brother and a son like never before. I will have to take baby steps as I am still an "emotional infant" (my bothers words). I will learn fast because I understand things I didn't before. I see things I never dreamed before.

I now see my own personal potential. My potential, not to succeed in my career, but in my life. I see possibilities that were never even in my dreams before. This is a good day. I know not every day will not be good. But everyday will be better now.

Today is my day!!!! Today is the day I am the better person for once and not respond to what annoys me, or what makes no sense. I will not be who I have been when it comes to life. Because life hasn't given me slack so why should I give it slack.

Today is full of new goals and new plans and new hopes. Today is now.


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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Real Friends
Current mood: understimulated
Category: Friends
The word Friend:

1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: "friends of the Boston Symphony."

3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: "Who goes there? Friend or foe?"

I am not a friend. I have never been a friend to anyone. I have friends and had friends. But I have not been a friend. Never have I completely made my self available as a friend. Even now after all I have seen and experienced I still can not look at my self as a friend.

I am going to change this. I am going to make me better to make my friends better. Because who are we without friends. Sometimes love comes and goes, but friends are forever. I still remember my first friend. My mom always took her home from school during kindergarten. We always played the same song off a tape in our big blue van. I still remember the feelings of friendship. I was so young then and I didn't have the weight of the world on me and things were simple. When you were young you didn't hold grudges for weeks only seconds. The words mad and angry only applied to short periods of time. Today those words span years and decades. Why can't we be like kids and forget what others have done to us. We say we act like adults but sometimes kids are more truly adult then we are. I know this is the way everyone is in this world but I try not to let things get to me. If they do it usually only takes a few hours for me to get over it. That didn't happen with my heart break. It got in me and stuck in me and I am still trying to get over it.

This all started on April 14th. That is the day I lost control, I broke down. It took over two weeks and medication to get me back to my right mind. But that just got me to a point where I can start working on my emotions. I am now over three weeks in to that and I still haven't gotten far. I still need help almost every day to stay afloat. But I am happy that I am working at it.

My heart didn't break until May 7th. That was the day my wife told me she didn't have feelings for me anymore. That is the day that everything I wanted in life changed. Before that day everything in my life was about her. Everything I did in my life was for her. Even the selfish things I did were about her in some way. Maybe I just wanted to make her proud of me. maybe I just wanted her to respect me. Maybe I just wanted to impress her. At some point doing everything wasn't enough. She stopped getting what she wanted from me. Maybe I should have been a friend.

So what is a friend. We can debate that for a long time. None of us have the exact blueprint for a friend. But we all know the best friends we have. We just know who they are.....................

For some reason I have lost my thoughts on this subject right now. I will pick this up in a later post.

May we all be great friends.


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