Thursday, May 29, 2008

Time to blog again...

Ok... so I have decided to continue what I started about true friends.

I had to stop in the middle of this before because I hit a mental dead end... Writers block you might say, but not really because it wasn't not being about to write it was not being about to get past the last thought I had. "What makes a true friend"?

I have been thinking of this for a while. It all started about a week ago when I put on this friendship bracelet that someone very close to me made a long time ago. I found it buried in some computer junk I was going through to pack what was worth keeping.

When I put it on I thought it would remind me of her and I would act better. That didn't work very well because I still did things that hurt her and that hurt me. After last weekend I know look at this bracelet with new purpose. It isn't to remind me of that friend; it is to remind me to be a friend, a good friend. You see I can't be a friend to this person anymore. I love her to much and it hurts to much to think of that right now. I have had to let that friendship go as well. That adds to the overall pain but it allows me to be a better person right now. The person I need to be for now. I still hope that I have not lost this friendship forever but I know right now that isn't something I can think about.

Like I said I am looking at this bracelet not as a reminder of the person but of the idea of what a friend should be. This is one of the hardest things I have ever tried to put in to words. It isn't easy to describe a true friend. I have many that I don't even know are true friends. I say this because many times they are with you and you don't know because neither of you had been in a situation where a true friend was required. It is almost like a trial by fire, you have to prove that you are a true friend. I know this is a hard concept to put in to writing. I didn't do a good job if it here. I will have to revisit this topic again sometime in the future when I am wiser and can better describe what it takes to be a friend.

We all have friends many of us treat friends like we can get a thousand more where they came from, but you can't. Great friends that are there for you through anything are really in short supply. I find myself with more great friends these days then I knew I had before. I am lucky.

I find myself thinking of another topic now. I have not only been finding friends, I am finding strengths and feelings within me that I didn't know could exist. When I had my breakdown, I opened myself for the first time in my life to the world. I would have never dreamed of writing something like this before. I was not someone who would share thoughts and feelings. I would only share small bits and pieces here and there as I thought I needed to keep the image of myself how I wanted it to be seen. It was a piece of my shell. Today, I have a new shell, me. I am not hiding real self anymore I am expanding who I am by not holding my emotions and thoughts in complete isolation as I have done before. I said complete isolation, if you didn't hold yourself back in some way you would be out of control.

I was out of control for some weeks after my breakdown. Looking back I don't even remember most of it and what I do remember was not something I want to experience again. I remember it as if I was watching myself, I feel like I wasn't really me. Even the images I remember are of me sitting on the floor near the couch and I am looking at myself. Not in a mirror but from outside myself. It is the strangest feeling in the world to remember looking at yourself as if you were anther person. I am glad to be back in myself again. I am not the same person because I have grown and I am going to be a better person.

Well to all of you friends out there, Thank you for being a friend to whomever you are a friend to. You mean more than you know to them as my friend mean everything to me. I am working on being a better friend for all of you.


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