Thursday, June 5, 2008

Another day passes

One more day in the saga of life passes. I was home sick from work today and I will be working from home tomorrow. They started construction on a new room in our office. The noise may allow me to work from home for the next month. They are looking at a business suite to move us to for a short time but we will still be without all of our resources that the full office has and the temp location is a longer drive from the house. I should ask for mileage for the extra distance.

One of these days I will get back to a normal sleeping pattern. Right now I can't sleep. I have too many thoughts in my head and they are keeping me awake. I just don't have the want to take meds to go to sleep today. I can't stand having to rely on a pill to make sure I sleep.

Well I have found several apartments that I wouldn't mind moving in to. That is a good step forward in moving on with life AM. (After Marriage) That is a good way of looking at it. To know that life goes on is a huge step after you have decided to divorce. To know that life is worth living is another step. I haven't reached that one yet. I am still too busy trying to find out how to survive. At this point, that is correct, I don't know if life after losing person you were planning the rest of your life with is really worth living alone. Life has dealt me a shitty hand at this time. I am doing my best with it. I will try and not let my feelings bring me down.

Most days I just miss her. I spend a few hours every day all by myself just thinking about why. I love her more now than I can ever remember in the past. I think it is because of what she is doing. She is taking the initiative and trying to find her own way through life. That is something that always attracted me to her, her strength to be herself. You know it is hard to be yourself while you are with someone else all the time. How do you keep yourself from losing yourself in a relationship? That is a question I can't answer. I lost myself in the relationship and that caused a ripple effect that caused her to lose herself too. Now this isn't the only reason we are not together anymore. It is just one.

You know the phrase; you don't know what you got until is gone. That isn't always true: but, most of the time you realize a lot more about what you had after it is gone.

Well I think I am going to go take one of my pills and go to sleep now. It is too early in the morning to keep typing like this.


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