Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Want a Girfriend?? (My history....)

What a question... I see this question all the time it is a standard ad here on FB for us guys. if you are going to ask a question there should be an answer to it right? I can answer this question... Do I want a girlfriend, yes and no. Hmmm...that is an interesting answer... I started dating late in my teens..I was already 16 before i really had a 'date'. Mainly due to where i was raised... the middle of the country miles from anyone my age... and also partly on how i was raised.. the only reason to date was to look for someone to marry.. WOW, Really!!! What an old fashioned idea. LOL. (this is an incite in to how i grew up) I took that literally for a long time, because i wasn't all that social as a child or teen and it took me several years to figure out what the world was really like and i am still working on some of that too. So a quick rundown of my history, I was with my first real girlfriend for 2 years. After that was over I then spent 8 months single. Then my next 'relationship'... it was 6+ years... and most of you know where that ended up so i will not go in to that. So, in reality i am just a freshman in the world of relationships or even dating... as there have only been a handful of those outside those 'relationships'. Many of you reading this may find that very interesting as I have never really shared this info about my life as openly as i have other stuff. But, as many of you have heard... I am an open book to the world, all you need to do is ask.

So, how can i say yes yet also say no? Well my life has changed allot in the last year. I have learned more about life in this time then i ever cared to know before and now i want to know everything i can. That is were my dilemma begins. I have been asking the same questions for months. Am I ready for a relationship? Can i handle everything? Is it possible that I am not mature enough to have a relationship? Is my knowledge about life itself is still to little? Should I wait? Should i just jump in to it and figure it out as i go? It is too early to even be worrying about my future relationships? Am i just being my standard self and thinking way to hard and too much? Even now, I have no idea how to answer any these questions except the last one... that is always answered with a YES!!!! LOL... I have been holding back even starting any type of involvement with anyone because of all of these questions. And even the dates i had been going on have done nothing other than make these questions more forward in my mind. It is also a huge reason why i am like i am.... Some times i blame how i act on my shyness that i have been battling most of my life and that is true to a point. Most of the time it is my thoughts making me second guess everything I do and say. This is more of a problem then shyness. It is hard to shut off your mind and not think. I know my face or something about me gives me away most of the time. because, i get asked allot what i am thinking about. a lot of the time my response is i am trying not too and that is an honest complete truth. I know what my thoughts do to me and i do my best to keep them at bay. I am not successful that often.

So do i want a girlfriend? yes and no. Do I want to have a date? yes and no. I have questions that raise even more questions that are for and against both of those ideas and i can't answer any of them. Isn't that a beauty of life... the crazy and far out there thinking that we have the ability to do to create questions we can't even answer. This thinking is fun and scary all at the same time. We as people can't standardly understand these questions we create about life... if we could we wouldn't have much to figure out while we live and life itself would just be boring. This hasn't gotten me any closer to any type of real answer to the question posed but it is one good set of thoughts... LOL

This has been a blog of exposure for me... I am letting out details about myself that most people never get close enough to either figure out or ask about. So why write this?? Because, there are people in this world I think should have this info yet I can't bring myself to just tell them... that is a discussion for a later blog. Have 'fun' with the questions you have created for yourself... I know i will be having 'fun' with these questions and others for a long time to come.


Saturday, October 11, 2008

Tomorrow will bring???

As today came to a close I heard something that made me want to blog. Today was a good day for me, did some work in the morning and then got some nap time in during the afternoon, and then some hang out time with great friends in the evening. So, just before heading to bed one phrase was said that made me think so much that I didn't go to sleep. A friend stated, "We will see what tomorrow brings". It almost stopped me in my tracks. I was astounded to hear a comment that has so much potential sound so extremely negative. I don't know if it was the negative nature of comment or just the idea of not knowing the future that made me want to blog.
I started thinking about my day and what 'tomorrow will bring'. I had a very great weekend and a great week overall. New people have entered my life that I am happy about and life itself has started meaning more to me than before. You all know the feeling when new people entire your life that makes you feel happy. At first it feels as if you have never been happier ever before. Time usually wears that feeling off a bit and you are left with the real feelings that this person brings to you. Sometimes those real feelings are strong enough to keep people together, and sometimes they aren't. I think feelings can be so confusing at first that no one should truly make seditions until they understand the true nature of their feelings. Now I know some times this point is never really reached and you must decide with out understanding and just shoot from the heart. I know that in my past my decisions were made long before the point of knowing what feeling were real. In my definition of 'rushing it' that is the key idea of what causes the rush. The strong feels that make us decide to do things to quickly and that is what causes ugliness in relationships.
So, what will tomorrow bring? Hopefully tomorrow will bring more questions and more understanding to your life. As this is the real nature of life. To look ahead and decide what life is bringing only makes the individual person doubt his/her decisions if they do not push them in the past that they see. Now, don't take that as if I am saying don't have goals and make decisions that help your reach those goals. I am saying don't limit yourself to those goals and those goals alone. Life isn't a set in stone thing. It hasn't been planed for you; it isn't a rat maze with only one way through. It is a maze with millions of turns and miss turns and endless paths to the finish line.
That is the other thing that comes from looking ahead a little too much. The thought of the finish line. The point in time in which life itself ends. In today's world, I think we have to think about this time way to much. Live insurance and death benefits for those we love. The act of writing a will is something that isn't easy for a lot of people. I have done it and I need to make changes to it but don't like the idea of it at all. I like the feeling it gives me when it is done and I know that things will be taken care of the way I want them too be. No hard decitions would have to be made by those that know me best. This world is unpredictable and as people in it we have to be ready for anything. I hate the idea that so much my life is really out of my hands.

Well sleep has been calling me as I have dosed off several times writing this. Sometimes looking forward in life is the best thing you can do. Just be carful not to change your life based on those outlooks. Try and sit back take what life brings you. Don't rush what you don't fully understand and don't get made when life brings you oranges when you want apples. You never know who needs oranges.....


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Year nearly over.....

Today I noticed an update on a friend's profile. It was a the type of update you expect a little closer to the end of this year as you start to thinking of the 12 month year coming up. The update was one of disappointment and realization of fallen ideas and dreams. It is the kind of change that makes you think of your own year and your own fallen dreams.

I started thinking about all that has happened this year. Even with all the life I had before the year 2008, this year was my worst and believe my best year of my life. It is hard to think about how good things are when so much has gone wrong. But sometime what has gone wrong causes what is right in your life. More has happened in this year than all 25 previous years of my life. The worst things in my life happened this year but at the same time the best things in my life also happened this year.

On January 1st 2008 I was a 6 ft, 210 lbs, 25 YO male. Today I am a 6 ft 165 lbs 25 YO male. I physically look different then I did those short months ago. I have moved in to a small one bedroom apartment from a huge 2 bedroom condo that I owned. I wreaked my MINI and it took over a month to get it fixed correctly. I have made drastic changes in my future plans. I have met new people that I now include in my plans for the future. I made giant leaps letting old friends know things that I never told them before. I have changed everything about who I am from the outside to how I feel on the inside. The importance level of almost everything has changed. I am no longer looking to what I is expected of me but I am looking to what I want and need for myself.

I started this year as a happy married man. I will be ending this year as a happier single man. It isn't the marriage ending that has made me happier... it is life itself that has made me happier. My outlook on life and my life itself has changed more then I knew was possible. I thought my life was perfect at the beginning of this year, but I learned differently. I learned what life really is about and what it takes to survive it. I learned how to live in the world that is real and not my own thought of what the world was. I have more confidence in myself than ever before. I have more life in me then knew existed. I am embracing life like never before. Honesty has become my first rule. Not that I wasn't honest before but I am more directly honest, I don't hide myself in any way. Questions are always answered if asked. No masks are worn to cover things that don't look good to the social world. I am a raw person because of what happened this year.

In short this year created the Andrew I always wanted to be and never had the guts or drive to create on my own. I am still learning how to be who I am today. I will be making mistakes and learning from them. I will never stop what has started within me this year. 2008 was a horrible year, yet was my best year. No matter what happens in all the years that come next, this year will stand out. I know life isn't as short as it seems but I am still going to live it as if that say was my last.

To all of you that have not had a that really bad year... You will just make sure you learn as much as you can from it as it will change your life.