Monday, March 9, 2009

Been a while!!!

So I have been out of the blogging world for a while now. It is kinda sad. I liked blogging all my thoughts about everything that cam to mind. I know I could blam it on being to busy but that would just be a lie. I can make time for almost anything. My life isn’t that complicated. I know I am just lazy!!!

Putting effort in to things that don’t seem to have a reward in the end is hard to do. Blogging had huge rewards to my sanity for a long time. It was my way of venting the thoughts and ideas piling up in my head. Sometimes when you spend time thinking about hard stuff you just need to get it out somehow. I feel like for a while that I has learned to deal with the hard stuff better and don’t need to let it all out in to the world as much. But, I believe I was incorrect. There is always reasons to get your thoughts on paper, or out on the WWW in this case. The mind is a terrible thing to waste and in my case not blogging has made me think about things less. Not a good thing when you really should be figuring out what is happening in your life and learn to deal with your feelings. Like most men, I am not good at that.

So what is happening in my life. Work!!! That is what i have been focusing on the last several months, really to just avoid dealing with life itself. It is easy for me to substitute work for life as in the last year my life was turned upside down in every way possible. Trying to find out how you want your life to be viewed and what you want out of life is not an easy task most of the time. I am confused about what I want right now and even more confused about what is available to me. As i am not a very socially adapted person, I have to feel out each situation even force myself to be more open and social in some environments. My real problem these days, I fear, is that I don’t really have the social life to carry on a good conversation with many people I meet. Most of my life, work and personal, is spent working with technology in all forms. This helps me enormously in my work as I can deal with and adapt to almost anything that is thrown my way, but my personal life suffers from that being the only thing I have to discuss with people. Work isn’t something many people want to discuss when all they want is to have fun!!!! I guess my definition of fun may be a little skewed compared to the general idea of what it means to the world. I go to social events and i do have fun being at those events, but I don’t interact like i feel i should be able to at this point of my life.

As most of you know, how you can’t I have no idea, almost my entire social life is based on another hobby, MINIs. They take up every spare moment in my life that I don’t spend in the technology world that I have completely shrouded myself with over the years. MiNis are not much better then the technology in regards to conversation, it is a one way. It really boils down to my life doesn’t have the flair that I think it needs to have the social life I desire to have. As a teenager, I just thought social behavior was just learned over time and it would just be a natural thing. It isn’t that simple, it is a complex very very hard behavior to learn when it doesn’t come naturally.

I think my battle of the unknown has made me strong in dealing with my shortfalls as I see them. I still hope that someday, if I work at it, I will make it to a level of confidence in my social life that I have developed in my work life. Life isn’t easy, it is what it has to be to make it worth living.

Until next time!!!


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