Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Existence is Futile?

A few moons have passed since I sat down with enough time or inspiration to blog. It seems these days I am busy doing a lot of nothing. I seem to have found what many people call a rut. The thing is that nothing has really changed from when I wasn't in a rut to now being in a rut. The question that is staring me right in the face and that has been on my mind... "WHAT THE F"?

Let’s start at the beginning. I feel I am fairly typical young man living in the US. I go to work to make money to live on. I make enough to have what I need to live on plus a little extra to have fun with and buy things I want. Of course there isn't enough money in the world to buy everything you want. I have friends I hang out with. I have hobbies to keep be busy in my free time. I am generally happy with my life. As with anyone there are things we are unhappy with, things we need to work on. But those things are what keep us striving to be better. Force us to grow as people. So why do I feel as if I am in a rut? I have been thinking about this question for a few days now. I have come up with several possible hypothesis. None, of course, are truly provable as the real answer, they are merely explorations in to the question.

What if the reason I feel like I am in a rut is because I started thinking about why I was in a rut? Chicken or an egg anyone? If nothing changed but my feelings then doesn't it suggest that all of this is just in my head? I have had effects like this on myself in the past. To get out of school once I pretended to be sick. My act became reality and I got sick to the point I missed two days of school and it wasn't fun at all. It is possible that I didn't cause my sickness but it is a little bit weird. Mind over matter??

What if my views of my life changed? I know I have reevaluated my life a lot in the last year. But could my own perception of myself change without making a conscious effort to change it? I think it is. The human mind works in strange ways. Our morals, for example, protect us from ourselves by keeping us from doing things we really want to because it knows we would feel bad about it later. My own subconscious could be trying to tell me I really don't like the way things are going and I need to rethink my path. It could be protecting me from myself!

What if I really do know what I want? I think this is a tough idea to grasp and put in to words. We all know what we need, it is survival instinct. When it comes to what we want in and out of life it isn't an easy question to answer. If I have found what I want and I know what it is why would it make me feel like I am in a rut???? It has taken a lot of hard work to get myself where I am today. This work has been directed toward an idea of who and what I want to be as a person. If my idea was wrong, then I could be feeling my inner self pulling me away from the path I started down. This and the last idea go hand in hand. Me protecting me again?

Maybe this feeling is more simple then all of this thoughtful babble. Maybe this path I am taking just makes me feel like I exist and nothing more... Is being happy and existing not enough?


Thursday, April 23, 2009

Watching the Grass Grow

Today I felt like the I was watching grass grow. Not that I didn't have stuff going on and work to preform. But it all felt like it was taking forever. Later in the day I did make it out with a friend for some drinks and good conversations which made the day a good day overall. When you are sitting in such an environment all day you have lots of time to think, read, and follow up on ideas. I couldn't tell you all the stuff I read or searched or listened to today. It isn't that I don't remember it is that I don't care to go in to that much detail about my grass growing day.

There are a few things worth sharing. My next new MINI will be a 'Speedster'!! I have been looking forward to that MINI since I heard and saw the first concept rumor and sketch 3 years ago. If BMW really gave them the green light on production I will be a happy owner in about 2 years. It will be something very different then I have now and just as much fun to drive.

I also decided to try a different Twitter software... TweetDeck. I like it so far but I haven't fully learned all the possible options with it yet. Give me a few days and I will see about writing about it a little more. Well in the mean time if you need a wonderful software for managing all our chat and email and social networks. Digsby is the best I have used. You do loose some features compared to the direct clients but it uses almost no system resources and is easy to setup. Again, I think I will write a little more about that in a later blog.

This was such a endlessly boring blog! Good night.


Monday, April 20, 2009

Relationship Informatics

I read a blog today. It was the first personal blog of someone I know. It was a really good blog about relationships 'these days'. I read it and ended up thinking about the way our world is today and how it effects dating in this generation of information. When I meet people within a few hours I could know more about that person then I could learn in several conversations with them. Now this information is different then what is shared in real human interaction and is no substitute for 'getting to know someone', but it does have advantages and disadvantages to the relationship and the act of building that relationship.

I have said it before and I will say it many more times before I die, I am a geek. I know I am and I embrace it. I use technology to constantly stay in touch with the entire world, which includes those I have relationships with. Friends, girlfriends, family, acquaintances, and even my enemies are part of this. This idea that I have access to everything a person shares on the internet leaves me knowing more raw data then others but still leaves me in the dark about the person. I may know where you grew up, where you have lived since, where you work and for how long, who your friends are, where you like to hang out, I may even know your thoughts and feelings from blogs like this one, but in the end I don't know you. This is something I know increases the struggle in todays world of dating and friendship. At the same time, knowing things about someone could help people that aren't as good in social situations. It gives them background to start conversations that they would have never thought of on there own. It also allows people to meet first in this virtual world allowing them to 'break the ice' in a more comfortable environment for them and then move in to real world situations after they are comfortable with that person. Everything effects us in this world of relationships. Information technology is just one more complexity in the relationship game.

This world we live in today is nothing like what our parents lived with and in my case even what my older brothers and sisters lived in. I live a very different type of lifestyle then anyone in my family. My life is integrated with the technology around me. My life doesn't exist without technology and many of my relationships and friendships wouldn't be the same without it. There are limits that we each must place on the technology we use. There are technologies out there that allow us to track those people we know. I broadcast my GPS location everyday all day but others limit this information to only the city they are in. We each have a choice in how we use technology and how we apply it to our lives.

With technology changing at the rate it is now my lifestyle will change drastically in the next few years. New items will be invented and more information will be available to us though faster more direct means. Relationships and friendships will change with them. None of us will know exactly what dating will be like in the days to come. It will take each of us to work though this on our own. Who knows we may need IT guys for relationships in the future!!!


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Simple Lemonade

For some reason I feel compelled to blog today. I mean it has barely been over 24 hours since my last blog. Me no understand?! Oh well I am here and blog I shall. So... what to blog about? My day? Not a thing worth talking about... What I did after work? Nothing... How about what I had for dinner? Chicken... The weather? windy and chilly... Damn, I out of ideas already. Wait... I know... Lemonade!!

Why talk about lemonade? Because it is just so damned good. I know most people would hate the lemonade I make and even fewer would understand why I make it like I do. My lemonade is generally very sour. There are a million different people out there that make lemonade a million different ways. Some even believe the instant powder stuff is actually lemonade. I know this isn't the case. I don't buy lemons often as I rarely have a need for them but 2 days ago the farmers market had them on sale so I grabbed a few. Didn't know what I would use them for but I knew I would. Today I made lemonade.

This is my way of making lemonade and don't knock it until you try it!! I start out cutting them in to quarters. I then take all the seeds I can see out and pull off the peelings and discard them. I then throw the quarters in to a blender. I run it on liquefy until I am tired of watching it. Hey, this isn't an exact science. Actually making any type of food with me rarely is. I then pour most of it through a strainer to remove the pulp as to much is a bad thing. The rest goes right in to my pitcher. Now this next part is just me being anal about not wasting any of the precious sour juices that could be consumed. I add the water to my pitcher by pouring it through the pulp in the strainer. STOP, glass empty... refill, CONTINUE... The rest of my process is to taste. Sugar and water is added until it fits how I want it to taste right now. Some times it is sweet, sometimes sour, and like today sometimes very sour. It all depends on my mood. Just so you have an idea of how sour... I had 6 medium lemons and I only made 1 quart of lemonade and I didn't even use a half of cup of sugar! It is almost to the point of just being liquefied lemons. You don't drink this lemonade... this is the stuff you sip on in small amounts to enjoy the sour. Lemonade is a simple drink. Sugar, water, and lemon. As you can see, it isn't that simple to me. No one taught me this method, it was learned on my own though trials and errors and based on my tastes. I don't know anyone else that would even think of drinking it. One more uniqueness I have.

That is all I can write about lemons. But, writing this did spark some interesting thoughts about lots of random things. Here is one worth blogging... Even with the most simple things there are more differences between us then anyone can count. I guess the whole world is as simple as lemonade!!


Tuesday, April 14, 2009


This morning a friend IM'd me that I hadn't talked with in a long time. The chat was short as they didn't have a lot of time and I was at work dealing with one the endless calls that we got today. It hadn't been the best day so far, I wasn't feeling well and we were fairly busy in the office. I actually started smiling after our conversation and continued for the rest of the day. The person I was talking with has had a big impact on my life even though they aren't around to talk with as much. People like that create smiles in this world even on the darkest of days. I forget sometime just how many friends have had that kind of effect on me. I hope that someday I can repay all that these friends have given me.

The world right now is in a dark time. Doomsday vibes are everywhere you look and in almost every conversation. We all know someone that has lost a job, received pay cuts, or is losing their home. With times so bad, having a good reason to smile is one of the greatest gifts. As someone that has been through some very tough times, I make it a top priority of mine to remain positive. It is surprising that anyone can remain that way when facing the seemingly endless road of financial problems, personal strains, and work stress existing today. But, once you teach yourself to focus on the options you have that can make things better and not the causes of your problems, keeping yourself from being continually down is easy. It took me nearly 6 months to pull myself out of the endless loop of a downward spiral like this. When you finally start looking up from these depths, you realize how much there is to look forward to. We will all make it though these hard times. Just have a little faith in yourself and never count your friends out. They will be there when you need them.

In the end it really is our friends and family that pull us through. It is the truly great friends that are always there for you. The ones that let us cry on their shoulders, the ones that just sit and listen, the ones that never shut up, and the ones that always make you smile. Keep them all close to you in these times of peril, they may need you more then they know. Just as I discovered today. My smile gave me a boost that carried me through the day. It allowed me to think more clearly and complete my work faster. I was even made it possible for me take the time to write this blog right when I got home.

I believe it is a great compliment to have someones smile attributed to myself and I know my friend will feel the same. Dark times call for us to stand up and spread all the smiles we can to those that need it. Even if they don't know they do. So give someone a smile, it could change their day and yours.


Monday, April 13, 2009


Almost everyone knows about my little buddy, TJ. I can't think of what it was like before I had him as my friend. He compliments me very well, parallels how I am and how I feel. He knows when I am down and is there to comfort me. He knows just what to do to make me happy. He is more laid back in life then even me. He is never far from my side when I am at home. He sleeps both on my computer desk when I am working and in my bed. He lets me know when he needs attention and keeps me busy cleaning up the house after him. He is my companion to share lives with. It is one of those symbiotic relationships, without him life wouldn't be as good. In return I make sure he has a wonderful life too.

It is hard to believe that TJ wasn't always with me. At one point he was someone else's cat. I was reminded of this just the other day by the friend I adopted him from. They always make a note to ask about him when we see each other. They really miss TJ. I understand why. I feel sorry they miss him. I often post pictures of him so they see he is doing well. I always let them know that he is a happy cat. He plays like a kitten some days and acts like an old man on other days. Kinda like me... LOL.

Just like everyone on this planet, from time to time I just don't want to deal with anyone or anything. Bad moods happen. TJ is in that anyone list... He can be annoying at times. I have to get away from him some times or keep him away from me. I use treats and food bowl refills to keep him busy for a while. He listens to me and goes away when I tell him.

He also comes to me when I call and makes me smile with his crazy behavior. He is my company when I feel alone. I love my friend, my buddy, my cat. I hope you all have someone like that in your lives. It makes life worth something a little more.


Saturday, April 11, 2009

Hello World!

Hello everyone! Wellcome to my new Blog! I have been working on taking my blogging to another level for a few days. I think moving outside MySpace and FaceBook was a good next move. This should allow me to get in to more into my blogging about different subjects. As many who know me you should be warned, I gain my inspiration for this blog through my interactions with others. So don't be surprised to fine something in here with your fingerprints on it! 

It is days like today that I like to blog. I "took today off" so to say. Between work and friends I haven't had much time for myself lately. Without this time I get, for lack of a better description, stressed! I know last week it was almost to much to deal with and I didn't have that much going on. I think I am getting truly lazy!! Even when there is only a few things to deal with I start to loose it. I am sure that it is just because the last few months really haven't been busy at all. This sudden upsurge in stuff to do is just a little shocking. I think it will be easy enough to get back in the swing of the busy season. Back to me bloging... days like today make good blogging days. I can take the time to really think out what I want to write. Today was a little harder as I couldn't think of a topic. So for lack of a better idea I decided to move to the new blog space today. I think it will be a good move!!

Well I just wanted to welcome you all to the new blog space. I will be posting in the near future. I know there are people out there just dieing to hear about my next rant... LOL!! 



Friday, April 10, 2009


This is a glorious day... I am moving in to my new blog space. I will no longer be constrained by the limitations of MySpace blog. If you decide not to follow me.. it has been fun writing for you... for everyone else, see you on the other side.

Come visit: http://gottoon.wordpress.com/


Thursday, April 9, 2009

Thoughts of night life...

What is the draw to these long nights out on the town? I have been there, was there for a while tonight. I understand hanging out with friends, drinking, and having fun. But, I can have the same fun somewhere less crowded, more quiet, and less expensive. I believe I spent 20 bucks on 2 drinks tonight. That to me is outrageous. Most of these places don't really draw people like myself, specially where I was tonight. (No offense to those I was with) I am too laid back to go places like that. The people there make me kinda nervous. I can't tell you exactly why but they do.

Even though I was on the dance floor for a short spell this evening too, what is with all the people that just don't dance good at all? They are the first ones out there and the last ones off. I am one of them and it takes someone pressuring me fairly hard to get me to dance. It isn't that I don't have rhythm I don't have any moves. Not even the funny ones. My mind doesn't work that fast or have the multitasking ability to keep up with the music, a partner, and my own creativity (not much of the creativity in me to start with). I do understand the draw of dancing. It is an action where you can express yourself in a physical way, draw attention to yourself, and wear yourself out all at the same time. On top of all of all of this... it is the closest thing to having public sex as you can get. At least as I see it.

I also understand because of the dancing there has to be loud music. I love loud music and don't mind it but when I am out with friends I like to talk with them, have an intelligent conversation and be able to hear them. For some groups I can understand this not being a big deal. Not speaking of the group tonight, but there are a lot of people not worth having conversations with. They can't hold a thoughts in there heads long enough to even conceive an original thought of their own. I crave these intelligent talks as they help me figure myself out and give me ideas. Being a thinker more than an action person I have to have this connections to keep me filled with new perspectives.

Please excuse any typos. I wasn't completely sober when writing this.


Saturday, April 4, 2009

To be alive??

The thrill of being alive. When you really think about it... knowing that we are alive is a miracle of biology. The search for how we came to be has driven us to grand creativity, made us question our beginnings, our faiths, and beliefs. It causes conflicts but it also brings people together in harmony. It can create and destroy. Do you think if we understood our origins it would make for a more peaceful existence? stopping there... not where I was wanting to go with this blog, but I went there for a bit, now on with my thoughts...

What do you think of when the question of your 'Life' is asked? I have spent the last several weeks thinking about this. I am still stumped as to what I think about myself. I know myself well enough to know that I will never settle on any answer to this. My thoughts will continue to evolve on this question and the answers I come up with will change who I am, hopefully for the better! This is the act of growing, of living. If this constant change didn't exist, would we truly be alive? The ability to change is a basic to existence... right?

These questions create other questions: Is it possible for someone remain the same for any extended period of time? We all have known people so well that we couldn't believe something they did. What they did or said was out of character. Is this the effect of these daily changes happening within each of us that we don't recognize right away? I know by looking at my life over a long expanse of time I see many changes. Some good some bad. I know by thinking about the process, these changes happened in small parts. Little things piling on top of other little things that cause big changes over these long term periods. You know, now that I think about it... The term is growth! I think we all underestimate our potential because in time we will not be the same person as we are today. We will grow to be more and our current plans will not include these unknown growths.

Take what happened today as an example of unseen growth: I made an argument with my MOM on a subject that is very very touchy within my family's religious beliefs. In years past I would have never done anything to argue about these beliefs. I never knew what would happen if I did. I guess I would say FEAR kept me in line. Today I made an observation from the perspective of a younger look at todays world. I gave my honest opinion and I think it took "some big cojones" to even attempt this. After, I was proud that I was able to make a case for my beliefs and not incite what I feared. I think this shows a level of maturity and thoughtfulness that I didn't even know I had.

We have all put our foot in our mouth at some point before. I do it all the time. I speak without putting real thought in to how others will take my ideas. I keep telling myself that raw thoughts don't always make sense to everyone and that everyone doesn't think like I do. I know this well yet it is still hard for me to break the habit. It isn't much different than trying to translate a foreign language the message isn't the same as it was originally. I can make endless analogies on this idea but we all have been misunderstood before and speaking before thinking is generally the cause. This is something that I will be working on in my future growth.

Defining life? First concept we MUST understand is each of us defines life differently. We have all heard the phrase "you should live life to isn't fullest". What many people don't take in to consideration is that each of us decides on our own what that means. I have received, on several occasions, criticisms on how I define my life. It is my life to define and following someone else's definition would make me less unique. I believe so many of us follow others so closely that we forget what it is to be an individual to be unique. Peer pressure is a bitch! But it also offers us opportunities to experience new things. Stuff we would have never thought of on our own or tried without the pressure. Evey force within life can be good and/or bad.

Everyday, from this point forward, when I wake up I am going to stop for a min and think about what it means to be alive for that day. I am going to think about what changed in me the day before. I am going to look at this new day as a chance to change for the better. But most importantly I am going to be alive!