Saturday, June 13, 2009

The 1 year old

I am a proud 1 year old infant blogger! It has been an up and down adventure through my thoughts and ideas displayed out here in the cloud. I have learned a lot about myself through this time and I have undoubtedly shown more of myself to many of you than I ever expected to. This was not my intention when I started to blog all those months ago. I started because I needed a constructive way to express feelings and thoughts and I never intended to publish them. I needed a place to go where my thoughts could be worked though in a way that wouldn't cause any problems. Making these public was at first an act of aggression, but it didn't have the effect I was looking for. Instead, it felt like I had dumped all my inner feelings and just let them all go. That feeling Of release is addicting and I am still doing it today. There are a lot of you that might read this blog now that didn't know me back then. So this may be a shock to you that when I started doing this... it truly saved me from myself! Now it wasn't the only thing that saved me, but without the blog over the long term I know I would not be the person I am.

Since I have started blogging my writing has grown and changed as I have grown and changed. I have learned to share emotions and thoughts and ideas in new ways. I am still am infant in my ability to write and share, but, for someone that truly hates writing I do fairly well, in my opinion. Well I should say used to hate writing! Blogging has taught me how to express myself in words. This is an endlessly valuable lesson and it took me a long time realize my new found ability came from blogging. I even partly contribute last years job promotion to the things I learned while blogging. Overall it isn't easy quantifying what I have learned during this adventure, but the effects on me are easily noticeable for those that knew me before.

I am not claiming that blogging alone changed my life. Allowing one thing to dominate the changes in your life turns you down paths that you will later regret. Many of the things that have shaped me during this adventure I blogged about. And as always some good things some bad things. Today, blogging brings me joy above almost everything else... I said almost!!! There are people and events that bring a joy and liveliness to me that I can't describe in words. So I have never tried. For those that know me best and for those trying to know me better; I hope this blog has shown some insight into me you couldn't get anywhere else. My only advise is to read beyond the words and try to see the ideas behind them. Because those ideas are the real reason why I sit here and type.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Status of life

I feel I have been fairly quite on my blog recently, I think it is because of all that is happening that I haven't blogged about yet. So here is a status update from my world. There has been more and more happening in my personal life and less and less happening in my work life these days. It is a welcome change right now too. Work can be depressing when news isn't the best and a slow personal life adds to that depressing feeling. At the same time it is not the best thing for me financially as a busy personal life generally costs more then the simple boring life in front of a computer that I embrace so well!!

My personal life has become more social then it has ever been before and I have met some of the most exciting people in all my life. One person is the most exciting thing that has happened to me in very a long time. She sees and reacts differently to me then anyone has ever done before. We all have been through the "getting to know you" time when we meet someone new. This person completely blew me away by stating things about and to me that made it seem as if she already knew me... no it was more than that... it felt as if she instantly and completely understood me, like she knew my thoughts as if she could read my mind. I am having a hard time putting the exact feeling in to words as new feelings are always hard to understand and even harder to describe. Needless to say this person quickly became a part of my life. I am sure I will blog about this more as time passes and I understand it all better. Until then and for now, I am extremely happy that I have a chance to get to know the person that seems to already know me better then anyone I have met before and possibly even better then anyone I will ever meet again.

All this excitement has me more on edge then I normally am. I have tried to used this extra tension and resulting energy in a positive way. I have opened myself up to people and new ideas more then I normally do. I am trying to do more branching out. I have been working on this expanding of my horizons for some time. I have done fairly well in a slow progressive way. I hope for the possibility with this push of openness and growing that I might finally reach a personal goal of feeling truly free. I imagine just waking up one day to the world looking different, to a dawn of new possibilities, and to the end of my feelings of internal captivity. Sometimes I think it is just a dream to ever reach this goal. It is a dream I will strive to make come true!!!

Well that is more than an update of the status of life, but when I point myself down a path you can never tell exactly where my thoughts will go. Until the next path....