Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Another day

Today was another day. A day where life has shown me that change is good, goodbyes aren't forever, and above all the world is beautiful.

It took someone I respect to tell me and for me to upen up my eyes. The world around us is heaven. Todays world is something to behold. If you really think about it all, it is beyond awesome. Truly think about the world around you for a while. See it for what it really is.


Monday, December 20, 2010


Today was a day to remember. I said goodbye to people that I truely love! Most of you know who you are. For those that don't, don't sweat it, if I haven't told you it was for good reason. There are those I have had relationships with that I have had to cover my true feelings to make life livable. I am sorry.

There are more things that I remember that make me cry than laugh and makes me endlessly sad to think of life this way. I remember the years past and yesterday as if they were the same. It is a curse to have a momory like mine. I have to choose to forget things sometimes. But the most awesome stay with me no matter whay I choose.

If there is one thing I have found... Life is never as bad as it seems. May dreams and love prevail.


Saturday, November 6, 2010

Choices and more Changes

It has been a few days now... I have had time to truly think over the choice I have made. The idea that I am leaving what has become my home scares me. Not for the reasons that first come to mind either. I can distantly feel three reasons why I am scared.

One: I feel like I am running from something. Running from the heart aches I have gained while living here. Some of the toughest years of my life were lived here. I feel as if leaving without resolving everything just makes me a coward and a heartless person. Coward because I haven't been able to face the pain and be rid of it forever. A heartless person because I would have left knowing that I created scars on others and myself without fixing them first. This is the part that makes me cry about leaving. The part that reaches my soul and tears a part of it away. It leaves me feeling like a worthless human.

Two: I am leaving the only place I know has truly loved me. The people, the city, and even the desert seem to be part of me. Like I am part of the overall scheme. That I am not just a working ant in a sea of a million workers. Like I was the black ant among the reds around me. Like I was special. I do now know if I will find this feeling again. But I really hope so!

Three: This is the standard reason. The reason everyone feels about leaving a place. The friends I have made here have made my live worth living. They with help of outside reasons... they saved my life. Truly saved my life. There was a time When everything seemed lost to me... and life itself was no longer worth the effort. The friends I have known here pulled me back from the edge. I was never able to thank all of them... because they most likely didn't even know what they did for me. But I have tried to return the favor by becoming who I am today. The person shaped by their influence, the better person because they were part of my life.

The changes that come from the choice I have made is a selfish one. I am doping what I have to for myself. I m not thinking of others feelings as I make this change. I am simply not able to ddddddddddddddddddkkkkkkklllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllljdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Ok, I fell asleep while typing... time to post and go to bed.


Monday, November 1, 2010

Tomorrow and Me

So this afternoon while working on some documents. Something hit me... When will I find meaning for my life? I know I am not old, but I feel like I am some days. Like I have already lived through the best parts of my life and tomorrow will only be the day after today. It will not bring anything new. It will be just another day of mundane tasks and endless problem solving. Has life already passed me by... Have I been content with my solitary life that I am not willing to try anymore? I feel like the only good I have left is the little things. Like cooking a great dinner for myself... or a nice mountain drive.

In my head I know that I am just felling.. 'down' and it will pass as things move around and change. But it doesn't change the fact that I still feel this is all there is. I am too young to really be thinking these things. I am still a long way from reaching the end of my potential. It the the thought of the extra efforts that make me feel the way I do. The time and energy needed to expand where I am to the next level and beyond. It just looks exhausting...


Monday, October 18, 2010

Life, Love, Happiness

Life, Love, and the pursuit of Happiness... where did we go wrong?
Happiness: We all had the thought as children that a simple thing like the a toy would make us happy for ever. It did for a short time, but then we realized that it wasn't new anymore. When the newness wares off it isn't as much fun and that lessened the happiness we felt because of it. I think the idea of short term happiness has grown to an epidemic in our current social world. Devoice rates are only one example. Car leases is another great example. Get rid of the car before you really don't feel that it isn't new anymore. Everything is built to be throwaway items now. Even people just create and toss relationships like it had no effect on them. And I am guilty of this short term happiness trend too.

Life: Up until now I thought this was because I was young and stupid. I did things like a foolish child would. Without thought of the end results. It was these stupid ideas and decisions that I look back on as the worst things in my life. They are wrong... almost evil looking now that I know better. I still have a lot to learn about how to survive in this world but I have found that my short term happiness can suffer as long as I am happy with the road ahead. It is in looking to the future that I find happiness. Because I know now that I doing right in my life. That I am truly a good person!

Love: Over the next few weeks I am going to be writing about the future as I see it. There will be a lot of geek things, computer talk, life choices, and a little about the love. Love is one of the hardest things for me to write about. It is strong feeling and an elusive one I haven't had a lot of experience with. It isn't an easy emotion to handle. I don't believe the feeling of real love is as simple as we have made it out to be. I think it is deeper than we can imagine. I think there are many people that don't have the ability to understand or feel what love really is. I am going to explore this within myself. I think we should all take the time to figure this out, because if you don't, you may meat someone that you love and never know it.

It is in the pursuit of happiness that we find that we may not be chasing the right thing. I think I need to change directions!


Sunday, October 10, 2010


The word feelings can be used in many contexts. But the word is merely a poor word to describe ones emotions. People tend to throw around the word a little too casually. I think as a society we have some what disconnected the link between emotions and feelings in the context of language. We have found a way to talk about what we feel in to open without actually opening up our true emotions.
For a many years of my life I didn't know how to truly open my emotions up. It took a catastrophic implosion to release them. I am still working on understanding the feelings I experience everyday. I recently had an experience of a feeling I haven't felt in a very long time. I did expect it and I didn't even notice that it was there. There is a phrase "you don't know what you have until is is gone". When you notice the removal of something you didn't even know was there. It is hard to handle the confusion and shock. You do things that are just... well... stupid. You forget to think. It feels like you have lost your mind. I didn't realize what was going on at first. It took some time to gather my thoughts and work out the reason for the stupidity. I am now working on dealing with my problem. Well not really a problem it is more like a situation. When pain is due to emotional hurt it is very serious. Not dealing with the pain can cause long term distress.
Enough about me and my emotional distress. I am a survivor. I will figure this out and come out ahead as a better more knowledgeable person. But I will be short one lost feeling!!


Saturday, October 9, 2010


There are some things in my past that have left lasting scars. The emotional hurts that cut deeper than any knife could. I look back at these events and try to learn from them. But once your heart and even soul have been cut like mine has, it is hard to trust anyone enough to get that close again. We build walls around ourselves and consiously and sub-consiously hold people at arms length. It is a natural reaction to pain and the remembrance of pain.
I hate dwelling on the past, but it is a good teacher and reference tool for what is happening in the now. But this time I can't explain why I am feeling this way. Despite all my walls and keeping people away... I feel I have gain another scar. Maybe there are people out there that can reach through the defenses and touch our hearts without us even being able to see it or feel it at the time. Maybe I reached out with my emotions farther than I thought I did. Most people don't go out looking to hurt others, it is usually something that happens and there is no one to blame. Sometimes life just doesn't work out like you expect. The best laid plans of mice and men open go astray. When it comes to emotions, sometimes, it is hard to understand what we expect of ourselves. It is hard to judge what the emotion wants and is planing. So, we fail to protect ourselves and those around us from ourselves. If we force ourselves to live in exile, we avoid the pain but we also avoid the happyness and joy life can bring.
My last weeks have been very different and difficult. I have had some realizations that have brought me joy and happiness. But behind it all I feel a deep despair, loneliness, and hurt. I failed to protect myself and I didn't even see it coming. It was a blind side hit that has effected me more than it should have. I find myself asking, "How did I allow this to happen?".


P.S. I wrote that a few weeks ago. Hind sight is a beautiful thing, I have had the ability to look back and figure out that I was reaching like a desperate person. I felt something that I remembered, a comfort and true internal peace. It is something I felt inside many years ago with someone I still miss today. I think there are people you meet in your life that can calm the turmoil inside without doing anything more then being there. I am glad I now know there is more than one person in my life that has done this for me. And it give me hope!

Sunday, October 3, 2010


As I was writing my last blog, an idea popped in to my head; "This blog has reached the END". At first I didn't know what to make of this idea. How can there be an end to what I have started here? I started this blog because I needed a way to express my ideas. To work through all the endless, tormenting, and terrifying ideas that manifested in my mind. To sort out the reasons for laughter and the crying. It was only started a short few years ago when I was in the most desperate time I have ever faced in my life. I hope no one has to go through what I lived through. But I also LOVE that it happened to me. Without this wake up call... I would sill be the endlessly lost and endlessly stupid child I was before. I am still not fully grown but I believe I have learned enough to know that life isn't something you figure out overnight. Life is endless learning and life is about how you interact with the world around you and how you react to those interactions.

This isn't the end of this blog... but I see it differently now. I don't see this as a place where the past has any meaning any more. I have learned from it, I have grown from it. Let the past be the past. I have grown more because of this blog then any other single thing in my life. There are only a few people in my life today that even can tell the differences in me because of this. And I doubt they even read a word of this blog. I have one last feeling to express...

I feel truly alone. We all face it in our lives at some point. There was only a short time in my life where I truly remember not feeling some level of being alone. There have been sparks of possibility here and there but none of them have ever seemed to fill the void like I remember. Over the last years I have been learning how to be happy being alone. It is in this effort that I have found, I can't truly be happy alone. I was not meant to be by myself. I feel like there is more for me, like this isn't where I should be, and something is out there waiting. With this feeling guiding me, I start out on a new journey. A journey to find what is out there to fill this void. Being alone isn't enough for me anymore.

At the moment this post is made public it will be a new day... I will see you all then!


Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Something hit me today, literally, in the back of the head while I was moving some cables between the two computer systems I am working on next to my desk. It wasn't anything heavy just a cable with one of those magnets that some have on them near the ends. It didn't hurt. It was just a shock, because I still don't know what moved it. A mystery that will never be solved. That has nothing at all to do with topic of my blog today. But there are some similarities to how all of this idea came about.

I have been blogging for several years. If you go back through my archives you can read most of what I written. There is a lot of the 150+ posts that are private so I can't give you an actual number of public ones. I have spoken a lot about change, growing, and becoming a better person. At some point in the last several days I realized something very important that I have been missing, it isn't about changing!! I was intent on changing so that I could wipe out my past, put right what I see as wrong with me. I was so caught-up that I missed what growing up is all about. All of this was about FINDING MYSELF among all the weeds that had grown up within me. I was too busy looking at myself from the outside and only catching a glimpse of my real self from time to time. My last few weeks of confusion and feelings of the 'rut' make complete sense now. My internal self was feeling 'right'. Like everything was the way it was supposed to be but my outside looking in approach wasn't seeing it like I should have been. It was another mistake in my long road of life. But like the ones in the past, I have learned and grown from it.

I am the same, yet different. I have started reflecting on myself from this new point of view. I am seeing that I was not defining myself correctly. I was looking at what needed to change. I need to look at myself for what I am. I AM ME! I am intelligent, I am strong, I have faith, I am a good person, and I am exactly who I should be. I am not done. I am still growing and I have a lot of choices ahead of me. Just like climbing a mountain there is always more than one path ahead of you to the same summit, to the same end. Some are harder and some easier, just like the decisions we have to make in our lives. I am looking out from the from the inside now. I see I have grown beyond the mistakes of the past and they have no hold on me or my future. The path ahead hasn't been paved yet. The world is at my fingertips and I have no restrictions on how far I can grow. So what is next?

There are people and persons in my life that have effected me more then they will ever know. Some don't even know what they have done. Some of you know who you are. They have shown me more about living and goodness then I could have ever learned on my own. I will never be able to repay all those that have made an impact. I will do my best to be the best I can be and pass on the gifts to others along my path. I hope my example of life can pass on what I know. You never know, someday, I might have children of my own that can learn from me!


Monday, September 27, 2010

Off the Path

These last few months I have been feeling a little lost in my life. Like I have been in a rut and can't get out. I cant really figure out why as everything has been going fairly well. We have all had times in our lives where things just don't go as planned but it is how we react that sets us apart from others people. We each deal with our emotions and thoughts differently. Some deal with things alone and some broadcast it to the world and ask for help. Each situation requires its own unique approach and each one of us will handle identical situations differently. I am and will most likely always be more of a loner. I have spent most of my life dealing with life by myself as an independent person. It took some really really horrible experiences and situations for me to realize that getting help isn't a bad thing and that I do have friends and family that are there for me and can help me survive and thrive as a person in this messed up world. I still forget that this help exists. It isn't in my nature to turn and ask for help. I have even been called stubborn because of this one fact.

Sometimes, we have to step outside our comfort zone and be more than we are by nature. In the fast paced world we live in today, if we can't ask for help when we need it, we get left behind and we will fall short of reaching our life goals. It sets us back just enough to make us not try anymore. I know I will always be playing catch-up, but I won't give up and just be content. Someday I will have someone that relies on me to get them through the tough times. I will be ready for that day!


Tuesday, September 14, 2010


It has been a few years since someone has asked me what my life's priorities are. It is something I remember growing up being asked about all the time. I remember the phrase "get your priorities straight" said a lot to me. I think it had to do with the computer games I would sit and play for hours and hours on end. So after this weekend I have decided it is time in my life to build that list. It has been a long time coming. In the back of my mind I have a fear that if I make that list and truly follow it, that I will have "grown up". I find myself acting like a mature person but I still feel extremely young. I lack wisdom. I want the wisdom that comes from 50 years of experience living in this world. Experience is the only way to gain true wisdom. Some would think i was wise because I understood that idea alone but it isn't enough for me. I have focused most of my life on technology and understanding it on a level above everyone else. I am not saying I know everything, by far I do not. Understanding and knowledge are different things. Some people who have knowledge don't have a clue what is going on because they don't understand it. So I know a lot more than I do because I can figure out more in 5 mins then most people can remember if they tried for an hour. So my priorities have been a little one sighted. Because like I have stated in past blogs, it was the easy path. I have worked for the last several years to grow as a person and build a life I can be happy with. A life where I can be happy with myself and what I am doing in my life. I am as close to that as i believe I will ever be.

This weekend I drove down a road. It is a dangerousness road with very long drop offs without guardrails. Hundreds of hairpin corners and switchbacks and it is overall a very very scary road. Nick named Devil's Highway. I drove that road with confidence. Making smart choices about how the next turn should be handled. Using caution when needed. And unleashing all restraints when possible. It was one of the best metaphoric experiences of my life. It somehow confirmed all the doubting thoughts I have been having lately. The feelings of being lost and confused. It has made me want to start working even harder. I have written several times in the past that there are times when you learn just enough to have learned that you don't know enough. This has been one of those moments and it was more like a line in the sand then any other of those moments from the past. It feels like nothing before the weekend existed because it is trivial to what is ahead. I have found something this weekend I have never had in abundance. Confidence!

It is now time for me to put the priories of my life in place. To make the truly difficult decisions of what is next. No more just following the road where it takes me. I am going to be the master of that road. There will be pot holes and slick pavement. But caution and confidence and my understanding and experience in this world will help guide me down the path I choose. I feel like I am finally who I am supposed to be!

Thank you to everyone that has been a part of my life to get me to this point. You have all played a roll in shaping who I am today. I look forward to the future with all of you.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

What is left

Today find myself trying to figure out what is left to do in my life. I have lived a good life for the most part. I have rarely needed anything and even many of my wants have been fulfilled. There are times I want more. but sometimes we need to sit back and be happy with fulfilling what we need. I have had the times like many people where I don't know the difference between what I want and what I need. I have given a lot of myself to a lot of people and gotten very little if nothing in return. I don't feel wronged that I gained nothing from what I gave. I don't feel like I have lost anything by giving of myself freely. There is just a sense of wrongness about the act. About the people that take without a second thought. It is those that think twice and show their hesitation that I am willing to give even more. I think it is because of general disbelief of others that people expect that kindness and giving costs them.

I have made it well known that I will do anything for nearly anyone. I think that scares most people. Someone that doesn't 'care' is hard for most people to accept. I care, I just care differently than those that I seem to help the most. This difference is what keeps me apart from most everyone. It is why I am sitting in my room reading and writing blogs compared to most people that are out having a good time on the town, or in the case of the time (~1 am) sleeping. Connecting with an individual is not easy when you are willing to share any and everything you know and to a point feel with anyone. I did say to a point. I have lines, more like walls, built around my self that I don't left people cross. These walls keep some parts of me safe from the rampages of those people that exist on the outside. I recently talked about two mountains in front of me in a blog. I even told, lied for a lack of better description, to someone that there wasn't specific meaning two these two mountains just to protect myself. I regret that Lie. I have thought every day since how to correct my mistake of speaking these false words. I haven't found a way or the time to do so yet.

It pains me every day that I can't open myself up fully. To release the feelings I know I have and understand. But every time I try I choke. It feels like the first time I had to make a speech to a class in school. My entire body locks up, my mind races, and I second guess every thought every choice to say anything. So, I say nothing! The deep emotions that I know I feel can't get out. I protect them like they are all I have left in the world. And sometimes that is how I feel. It is not a simple thing to live with, the fear of loss and hurt. My real fear is that I don't know how to express my real feelings. That I have kept them locked up for so long trying to protect them and understand them completely, would I be able to release them even if I worked up the courage to do so?

So what do I want in my life? What are my needs for future growth? I have thought about getting married again. I have thought about having children. I have thought about living alone. I have thought about everything a human can dream about, from money to poverty, with fantasy and dreams. I still don't know what I want with my life. Every idea has good and bad parts, every plan has flaws. There is only one that I feel is not my path... that is being truly alone. I have experienced many sad and alone times. Even with people all around me I feel alone in this world. Like there is no one that understands me. Like I am the odd ball. I know this idea isn't true but how and where do I find the person that I need to feel normal? Where can I find someone that doesn't care that I don't know how to express what I feel but the person that tells me they care about me anyway? Where can I find someone that truly expresses what they feeling and not something they fake? Where can I found someone that will work with me to learn life together?

Over all I don't add up to much in this huge ever expanding world. But for my short time here, I hope I live it to the full ability I have been given.


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A Drunkin' Rant!

Some days I put everything I have in to life. I put what I feel is my soul on the line, only to end up empty-handed. Why do I put so much thought and time in to plans or schemes knowing full well that life will find a way to screw it up? I have lived for 27+ years in this world... you would think that I would have learned by now what the world was. The world will spite you at any given chance. Turn you down for anything you feel you need. Even if it is only a hug from someone you care for. The world will take every chance away from you to feel happy.

I am over re-acting I am sure. But in my state; intoxicated, tired, and pissed off at the world around me, who in the world can blame me. I guess I need to do what more than one has told me; "Stand up for myself" and be the person I see myself as! That person doesn't sit back and wait for good things to come, he steps up and takes what is good from the world. Even if it is hard to see what is good for him. If what may be a good even a great thing stares him in the face and walks away and he does nothing to stop it.

I feel ashamed that I am a man today. Men stand on two feet and face the world with heads held high. While I look at the ground crying sadly. Not taking a stand, not charging forward with intention and feeling. I want to be the man full of endless emotion that spills everywhere I go. But that is not me! I am a secluded, wrapped up in myself man who can't find an outlet. The man that cries in the dark because of the feelings that can't explode out of him. The same ones he wants to and fails to express nearly every day!

I want to be more than I am... but I can figure out how! What exists in the small and fragile world that can give a complex yet simple person like me this training? It is as if I need training in life itself. Natural selection doesn't look all that great from the bottom.
In the end the only thing I know I have is myself. That starts the cycle over again... being self-contained and independent is good in some ways and bad in others. Looking out for number one gets old and it leaves me all alone!!


Tuesday, August 31, 2010


I have made it no secret that I have changed a lot in the last several years. Growing beyond what I had become in the 25 years prior. Experience and logical reasoning has been my teacher and base. I am again to a point in my life where my knowledge and understanding has shown me how much of myself and this world I still do not know and understand. I have reached the summit of one mountain only to find the next one reaching far out of view in the clouds. I have been in this position several times but this time is different. I find myself faced with two separate mountains in the clouds. The question now is what do I choose? Do have to choose? Can I choose both? I know that not taking another step leaves me where I stand atop a tiny foothill that once looked like the tallest mountain from the bottom. I know because of who I am I will continue up the next challenge no matter what direction I go.

It has taken me a lot of years to realize how lucky and blessed I have been. I have known from a very young age what my work career would be for the rest of my life. Because of this, human nature has taken me up the simple and easy path of focusing on that work. Diving in head long and ignoring nearly everything else in my life. There have been weekends where I hadn't left my computer chair for 48 hours straight. I didn't sleep and I didn't eat during this time. I also ignored the thoughts of what I wanted to do with my LIFE. Who I wanted to be. The idea of starting a family. All of this was easy to ignore and just push it off to thinking about it another day later on. That laziness has started to catch up with me. I am not a kid anymore and I need to start thinking not like a kid. A quote "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child. Now that I have become a man, I have put away childish things." Corinthians 13:11 - Also used in the movie 'Hackers' (I am a geek what would you expect). This calls in to question my adulthood and my level of responsibility. When I sit and look at my life away from work, I see why I am still standing on that little foothill, I see why I haven't reached the clouds. This realization is a blow to my moral. It is a pain that is hard to keep off my face. It is hard to keep it under my disguise and put on the mask I choose show the world. It it like I am dragging myself through this world without direction and without purpose. I keep looking for a reason to take that next step off one summit and start to make the trek up the next. Do I really need a reason?

Life, even as complicated as it has been to this point, looks very simple compared to the paths ahead. Looking back with greater understanding makes the mistakes and falls look like child's play. Maybe it has been so far. My understanding doesn't include to ability to label or describe such things and it is not yet my time or place to do so. My view of my past only strengthens my resolve to push forward, to become more than I am. To look ahead to the future and to get above the clouds ahead and see sunlight from a new perspective.

I have choices to make in my life. I can picture these mountains in my mind with tall shear rock faces. But they don't scare me like the previous mountain did. Like this is the path I was meant to be on and for some reason I feel like it doesn't matter what path I choose at this point. I feel like the two mountains I see are merely two parts of the same mountain and there is only one summit. Now it is time to start walking...


Sunday, August 22, 2010


It rained yesterday evening. That isn't all that surprising this time of year in Arizona but it was the type of rain you could go play around in. A friend and I did just that. We walked out in to the rain and stood and let our selves get completely soaked. It reminded me of when I was younger and the spring rains would create huge puddles in the yard. The little ditches out behind the barn and along the field would over flow with a foot or better of water. The drive way would show signs of washing down in to the road. The smell of that rain and the cold water pelting me is some of my fondest memories.

I remember running around in the yard barefoot splashing in the puddles making them all muddy. Then jumping in them again to have the muddy watter splash up on your legs to make them all muddy. I used to find places where watter was running and build little dams to block the watter and force it to take other routes. Kicking water at my little brother. Just being a kid in the rain. I remember staying out for hours, getting soaked to the bone and dirty. It puts a smile on my face thinking about it. Last night wasn't everything I remember but it made me feel like a kid again. I even kicked at the water a few times. I stood barefoot in the rain and looked up and just let it fall on my face. I got soaked to the bone, even felt a little chilled (it was still 95+ degrees).

Playing in the rain was an experience I had taken for granted. When I got older I must have forgotten how much fun it was. Every time it rained it felt like it was a nuisance. Running between the house and the car and from the car to the store or school. Made you drive slower and more cautions. Through all of that I never even thought about the fun I had playing in the rain just a short few years before. I still think of myself as a kid a lot and times like these add to the feeling that I truly am. It is a great feeling that I never want to loose. With all the responsibilities, worries, wants, and desires we have as adults we all loose the kid we were. Holding on to some of that kid takes a lot of effort and times like this to remind us to be that kid. We should all find that one thing from childhood that we can hold on to. I now have the rain to add to my collection.

One more thing came to me when we were standing out there in the rain. A connection between all of us that never entered my brain before that moment. I don't even understand the linking between this thought and the time in the rain but it happened. In the moments I was looking up at the sky I realized we aren't all that different from each other in this world. It is an idea I have been thinking a lot about today. We all strive and believe we are completely individual. That there is no one else like us in the world. This idea puts this in to question as I believe we are more alike then we really want to admit.
I need to explain. It may not be easy but I am going to give it a shot. When I try and understand other people I almost always start with something I know about them and build on that to generate ideas about who they are and what they feel. This is an outside perspective of the other person and not who they really are. Somehow in all of this rain, it hit me that we are all the same on the inside. We are all made up of the same parts with just slight changes due to experiences we have but we all basically have the same emotions; joy, love, hate, anger, madness, laughter. We all feel the same way. This idea leads me to believe that I should start with myself as a base to build on to understand others. They don't seem as alien as they were to me before. Now that I write it down I can't explain it how I feel it and it doesn't seem like that outstanding of an idea. But for some reason I never thought of other people like this before. This is an idea that I will be continuing to expand as I go forward in my life and increase my understanding.

It rained on me yesterday and it was fun!!! :)


Tuesday, August 10, 2010


The past weekend I visited a church. It was the first time in a decade I had done so voluntarily. Weddings and funerals are about the only reasons I would step on holy ground. Even though I haven't visited a church of religion, it doesn't mean I have left my faith behind. Faith is a hard thing to describe for anyone. Those that have religion as there base have a solid starting point. Having faith without the religion is much harder to maintain. It takes hard work to constantly and actively think about what I believe, to update my own understanding of my beliefs. Religion seems to add to many guidelines to what faith is and means and what the faithful should do. I do not like these restrictive ideas that I remember growing up as a Catholic. My belief is that by even laying out such guidelines religion cuts people out because they don't fit the mold. Even at its simplest effect is creates the divides between people that lead to the destruction of other ways of life and done all in God's name. There have been more wars and death inflicted in this world in His name then any other reason. How can anyone ever have the understanding that God wanted them to kill everyone that doesn't believe like they do. Religion is flawed from its base because we as imperfect humans created it. Faith doesn't suffer from this same imperfection. Faith is not perfect because those that have it are also imperfect. We all make mistakes with the free will we have. We either learn and move on or we let them rule our lives and lose our faith.

So what is my faith, how can I describe it in a way it makes sense. First, I believe in a God. I don't believe he interacts with me on daily life scale. I believe in a God that is a grand schemer... He puts things in to motion only makes adjustments as needed to the scheme. At some point life was created on this planet. Somehow I can't believe it was just a random chance that the right chemicals and conditions were all just there at the right time in the right place. Interaction from something greater had to have occurred. God's interaction with the creation and upkeep of life to create what we are today been the foundation to many religions and it also the base for my own faith. Second, I believe in people and their ability to choose from right and wrong. The freewill to say no and yes and maybe. This freewill is what allows us to have faith. Without it what would the point of having faith.

I have spent a lot of hours thinking about faith this last several weeks. More so than normal at least. I am trying to define my faith further because I feel there is something missing in me and something tells me that this is the subject I need to work on to find it. We are all missing something at times in our lives... if and how quickly you find it is based on the effort you put in. Finding the right balance in your faith is a life long endeavor. I wish everyone luck. We all get to choose our own faith. Weather it be in science, religion, God, or gods. It is an individual thing and no two persons will have the same faith. My faith is mine and mine alone.


Saturday, July 31, 2010


How do you ask questions? Not the easy ones like how was your day, or what did you do last weekend? I am talking real questions that have real meaning and answers that have real weight. The questions that make you hesitate asking because you fear the answer that may be given in return. The types of questions that if asked, no matter the answer, may change how you interact with the people involved in the question.

Many people will not agree with this, but I am shy, or at least that is the best word I know to describe how I see myself. I have been like this all my life and I have slowly and almost confidently crawled out of my shell in the last 5 years. I am a more social person now than I have ever been before. It took a lot of hard work, some anti-anxiety meds, and some truly mind over matter style of thinking but I am now more in to the world than I have ever been before. These last two years have been an extremely exciting time for me. I am doing some things for the first time in my life and enjoying myself more than I thought possible. Breaking out of my little world has been good and bad for me. The endless fun and meeting all the people along the way has been wonderful. The anxiety that I have being in these situations keeps my mind working overtime trying to keep myself out there and in the mix. It has gotten easier but it still isn't easy. One day I hope I can do the being social thing without having to work so hard.

I have found that asking questions is the hardest part of being my new social self. I see questions as forks in the path. They invite the start new ideas and maybe even end a path all together. The important questions have too many possibilities and when I think about them it makes me very very nervous. Every time I face a question I first think of what are the possible answers. Then I look at all the factors of why the question was asked and what the context of the question is. At that point, if it were a simple question, an answer is either obvious because everything was there to reason it out or it is one of those hard questions that you have to reach inside yourself and create an answer based on feelings and thoughts. Understanding your feelings becomes the biggest part of creating these answers. One mis judgment leads to the one wrong answer and than more wrong answers and can effect your life badly for a very long time. When I put this into words, my anxiety isn't all that strange after all. It seems to be a logical response to the daunting task of understanding ones-self from the inside.

I was taught when I was young that you never ask questions you do already or almost know the answer to. I still live by this principle when dealing with the world. It keeps my mind working and generating ideas and always makes me sound more intelligent than I really am. So how do you ask the hard question when you don't understand the other persons feelings. Without this understanding you can't even make a reasonable guess what the answer is going to be. The idea of just throwing it out there is like tossing some steaks to a pack of wolves. Once they are done they might not be hungry anymore and leave, or they could turn and have you for the main course. It is a challenge to think of life like that but that is how bad the world can be when emotions get involved. Emotions aren't solid rocks. They are very fragile. For many of us life has taught us to build defenses against all that will hurt our feelings and it takes a great deal of effort and time to become comfortable and truly let someone inside. You can't push your way in or kick down the door without destroying what you were trying to reach. I tread very cautiously in these situations as I am not very comfortable with the understanding of my emotions and the thought of hurting someone else's makes me want to crawl in to bed and just hide away form the world so it never happens. Hurting someone else makes me feel worthless. Makes me want to leave it all behind and run away.

With all that there is against us how do we even have the strength to get out of bed every day to ponder and answer all the questions we will face. We are an amazing people but sometimes we don't have the ability to cross our own bounties and ask the hard questions when we need too. We sit back and pretend everything is ok or we find other ways of covering up the truth about the battle within. Every once in a while, it really isn't worth getting out of bed for.


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The topic

I spent too many hours writing that last blog. Technical info is hard to convey in just simple and plain words. But When I completed that blog I didn't feel as if I was 'done'. Not like I do when I complete one of my normal blog topics. I find myself sitting in my living room/office/kitchen... love this apartment... listening to a shuffle of every MP3 i have on my system and watching the rain fall on the patio. A song came on by the name of 'Fishbowl'. One of the lyrics is "The night is young". (bonus: what is the next lyric in the song?) I heard that and started thinking it is early... 9 isn't all that late. I am not done yet. So I sat down at my computer and started typing what you just read. See how I brought you up to speed?.. we are now on the same time line... how cool!?

What is there to write about? What topic?

There is only one that I have left in my head right now. It is the topic that has been on my brain off and on for over 20 years. It is the topic of "The Crush". That is my name for it for lack of any word that can describe it. It is the one thing during all the years of my remembered life I can't find an explanation for. No mater how hard I work at it, no mater what I do, It has always been there. There are times in my life, years at times, it was dormant, but it never left. Now 22 years later I am still in the same situation as I was in when I was barley able to understand what letters were. That right I met someone when I was 5 years old, had a crush on her, and it still exists today.


In all honesty... thinking about what to type here is causing me to tear up. The emotion that has been built in to this topic over all these years feels like a pressure building in a balloon as it is inflated. I don't know if I can exist and contain it anymore.

Now, you have the title of this topic. I will now explain the details of this long term relationship.

In 1989 I went to Kindergarten to start my schooling. It was at that time that we would only be there 1/2 day. I would ride the bus to school and my mom would pick me up everyday and I would go home for the afternoon. There was a girl who, at the time I thought, lived down the street from us. It was actually where some of her family lived. My mother would take her there everyday. In the 9 month school year I got to know a lot about this girl. Spent a lot of time with her in class on the buss and the old Birchler blue van. I don't remember many of the details of the day to day interactions we had, but I remember Bob. That would be Bob Seger and the song 'Old Time Rock and Roll'. "Take them old records off the shelf...". There was a tape deck in the blue van. She and I would play it everyday over and over on the way home. I can't forget the words to that song even if I tried to do so. Little did I know and realize at the time... she didn't come to my school the following year for first grade. It turns out that she didn't live down the street, she lived in another school district and continued her education else where. Either I don't remember or I truly didn't realize at the time that she wasn't there after that. End of chapter 1.

6 years later... 7th grade. The bus stopped at the same house down the street again. By this time I knew who really lived there and who got on the bus there. There was a new kid, about 5 years old. He was heading to kindergarten. I was asked to keep an eye on him and make sure he made the bus transfers correctly. I was one of the few students that completed k-8 at the same catholic school. Most everyone else went to elementary first than middle school or junior high. I did my job and kept the kid safe on his trips back and forth from school... the school had a full day kindergarten. I became the kids friend and we talked everyday. One day he mentioned he had a sister and there were some other details about other family relationships that came up over the weeks and months. I put two and two together... This little kid ended up being the girls little brother. I wrote a note... Kept it in my pocket for two weeks before I came up with the nerve to ask him to take it home to his sister. I can't remember the details of the note or even the form of the reply... I know we talked on the phone a few times during that time. At some point during this time frame the fact that I was a stupid, unknowing, socially inexperienced, soon-to-be teenager enters the picture and we stop talking. She might be able to shed some light on this time better than I.

The years that followed... I know there was at least one maybe two times that I actually saw her over the years. I can't pick them out in my fading memory. The specific details of a few things are almost all that I can remember from my childhood now. Who knew that nearly everything would fade so quickly. Nothing more happened over the high school years between us. I went through life doing what was expected of me. Building relationships, finding lovers, friends, and eventually I got married. Before I jump ahead, I need to mention just because I didn't see or talk with her doesn't mean she wasn't on my mind. I can remember many situations where her name would be mentioned... It wasn't even about her, just someone with her name and I would remember her instantly and wonder where she was. I remember one specific time at the store in Muncie the check out girls name tag had her name on it. That one time is still fresh in my mind as if I saw the name yesterday... white plastic, engraved red letters just under the store name.

A few years later... 13 years since the note was sent with the brother. I live in Phoenix at this time... my marriage was failing. I had no idea what to do anymore... my world crumbled and my heart with it... I barely knew who I was some days over the months that followed. Sometime in the early days of this turmoil... I joined Facebook and MySpace for the first time. At some point I found an old school friend and it sparked the memory of her again. I knew nothing of where she was or where she went to school or anything. I set out one day to find her... A few weeks of some simple internet research and tracking through the friends of friends that existed on Facebook at that time... I found her and said 'HI'. A little messaging between us and that was it for a few weeks. One day I sat down... My head was all a mess at that time and wrote out the last 20 years of truth in a brief and horribly written message... two days later I put it in to a private message on Facebook and sent it to her. You can imagine a note that was littered with misspellings and grammar errors and read as if it was written by someone complete insane. I didn't sleep for 36 hours straight after sending that. I nearly sat and watched my computer the entire time waiting for her to login and read it... I was like a stalker. I remember watching her show as online... 10 mins passed... then her status changed... "Shock" was the first word. The bad message got the point across!

That is about all I remember... the next 3 months I have very little memory of. I was on several anti-depressants and I lost about 50 lbs in about 6-7 weeks. I didn't eat or sleep. I started spending a lot of time drinking... did some things that time that were way outside my normal self. During this time she and I texted from time to time. One specific thing was mentioned that I remember, she stated that she kinda already knew about it before I sent the message. I still do not know what that means I think it is because I can't remember the context of when it was said.

Sometime during my time of blackness... One night a random girl and I had drunk sex in a public hot tub and there were people around. I didn't even know who she was. The next morning, still drunk with the shakes, I went to breakfast with my friends and the girl from the night before was there across the table from me. I met her and found out who she was. I did't know how to handle this because I had never dealt with it before. I felt awkward and out of place and being drunk didn't help. A few mins after sitting down at breakfast, my phone rang. It was her... we hadn't had a lot of communication the last few weeks or months. The call couldn't have came at a worse time. I was barely able to hold myself together on that call. My voice was shaky, my sentences incomplete, and I am sure I sounded like I was insane again. During this time I was also just starting to learn how to open myself up to people. I wasn't able to speak about myself without hesitation like I do now, two years and a million more experiences later. We didn't do a lot of chatting or texting after that conversation, per my memory. Over the next 18 months, I cleaned up my act and did some dating and even built a good relationship. It didn't last but we are still friends and that is huge step for me. Being able to put aside everything that was wrong and still be able to talk... really talk.

Present day... I started making planes a few months ago to go home to visit my family for the holidays. She and I had traded messages from time to time I remembered that she asked when I was coming home next one time in the past. So, I let her know that I was planing on October / November time frame. A few weeks ago, I received a text from a number I didn't know. They asked when I was coming home to Indiana. A text a few secs later stated who it was... it was her. We have been texting a lot since that day. Had some good online chats too. We made non specific plans to hang out while I am home for that week in November. The meeting is still 4 months away and I find myself nervous and anxious about it already. I have no idea what to expect and my mind is filling in the gaps with whatever random scenario it can come up with. I haven't been sleeping all that well and I wake up thinking about my trip home nearly every night of the week. I don't know how to talk to her and I have found myself not acting like myself in the texts we have traded in the last week. I am acting like the almost teenager I remember from all those years ago.

I was on the verge of complete melt down last weekend, then a friend invited me over for a movie. That night called me down somehow. I am focusing on myself again and what I need to do to keep me good. In the last 4 days I have held my own. I am being detailed in my work and my home life. Including getting back to writing blogs like this one. I have 4 months of this battle left and I am going to need more help before it is over.

This is a blog that will never have and ending. After 22 years there is no way to find an ending worth the reality of the story told here.

This will never be made public.


The Root of it all

What a long and productive week so far. I know it is only Wednesday and I am already calling it long! I am going to write something a little different today. A blog about more how I do the tech geek stuff I do. This all started around noon on Tuesday, I got this idea in my head to research Rooting my Motorola Droid Android phone. I wanted to install Android OS V2.2, aka Froyo, before the official release. So I dug through the forums and read a few of the guides. There were about 10 different ways of doing it according the the people on there. So I am here to tell you it isn't that complicated and some of the ways really don't work with the phone and it can be trial and error. After I was done with the root/update and I spent about 2 hours staring at the phone setting up all the accounts and configs, I decided to blog about my experience. I think doing so will give some insight in to how I go about the geek stuff I do, and maybe explain a little of the 'why?' too.

FYI.. Rooting is the process of hacking an Android phone so you have access to the kernel files and can replace them with anything you want. Android is an open source OS. Everyone, even you, have access to the raw computer code that it is written in. There are many people in the Android community that create their own special versions of this code and publish it for general use. Many do these types of things in there free time and ask for donations. It is always good to donate some cash to these guys so they keep up the great work that they do. Think of it like tipping the bar tender, I tip my software providers.

Getting started...
Everyone knows you have to prepare for any project you take on. It may be as simple as closing the door of your office but you have to do it. In this case, I was doing this as an after work (starting at about 7pm) project. With this in mind there are some things that you have to do to prepare your body, mind and, as I like to believe, my soul. I took a shower and got in to comfortable, lay-around-the-house cloths grabbed some mind food. Most of the time I prefer a simple meat and vegie plate, like a grilled chicken breast and a side of broccoli. I didn't have the time to pull off such a meal so I digressed to the more popular and overly effective bowl of fruit loops cereal. These little sugar coated multi color loops of joy may be the best brain food have used in my entire life. I use them a lot!!!

Now I bring up the guide that I have decided to follow. It is a two part guide... an overview from a user that wanted to make sure he was doing it right, good links to more info from his post: HERE... the actual step my step detailed guide I will be following (yes guys do read instructions and follow them): HERE.

The first part of the guide is mainly downloading and installing software and drivers. RSD Lite and Motorola Flash Interface Drivers. I these items install without much issue. Suggestion... do this on a pre-Windows Vista system if possible. Issues with the new UAC (user account control) can keep it from working correctly. My Windows 7 Ultimate N 64 Bit didn't like it much. Once I moved the setups to my Windows 2003 SB Server everything went smooth. Like I said the first attempts at rooting the phone failed, I tried it about 6 - 10 times for each of the methods with slight variations in the process that I came up with on my own. The two methods I tried are the Terminal Enumerator method (not explained in the linked guide) and the RSD Method. The Terminal Enumerator method entails moving some files to the SD Card and loading them using a command line app. This didn't work all that well so I abandoned it for the RSD method as it seemed to be more well documented in the forum world and if there were problems I could find solutions. I spent the next two hours trying to get my Phone to detect on the RSD software on my Win 7 system. By the time these two hours were over and I had read about 20 different sites and forums trying to find anything that could cause the problem as I had almost nothing to go on besides it just didn't work... I wanted to not only shoot my laptop... I wanted to hack it up in to little inch squares and burn it!!! We who love and live the world of technology have the times where we are just as frustrated, if not more because we are the geeks and should know how it all works already, as the average users out there. It just made me more mad when I installed the software in to my home server and the whole process of rooting using the RSD method was complete in less than 5 mins. The process after that was merely copying files to and from the phone so that part was all done on my laptop. Important note... Do the backup processes and data clearing as stated in the guide do it twice if you have any doubts. If you do not and you update and it doesn't work... you may have a nice paperweight when you are all done. BACKUP EVERYTHING you want to keep. I didn't care about a lot of it so I only did the Nandroid backup and made a copy of some of the files on my SD Card that I didn't have saved anywhere else. I also have my contacts backed up in several other ways so I don't loose them so I did't need the backup off the phone.

Rooting is done, so it is time for loading the kernel of choice. I decided on the basic Froyo FRG01B release listed in the guide. This is just one that doesn't have too many custom mods in the release. I only wanted to add flash and the new Froyo features to my droid. I can't really afford downtime with my phone as it also is my business phone. If you want to go to the extreme mod side... Check out Bugless Beast V0.4 Android 2.2 FRF84B (Fully Deodexed). That is one of the most modded I have seen to date. The update process is easy from this point, follow the instructions and you are all set. If the update crashes your phone... see the Rescue Squad forum. There are all kinds of info in there to help you out.

Flash Update and cleanup...
There are several other things listed in the guide that you can mod to add features to your device. You are the only one to judge if you need them or not... Don't do them unless you need them. The less you mess with your phone the less likely you are going to break something. I added the Flash Beta as that was one of the reasons I was doing this update. I also followed the Watch Hulu steps for the browser to make sure flash was working correctly and I love HULU. Everything worked awesome.

Be cautious with your data usage after the update. Froyo's new features have more sync options that increase the amount of data you need to use, like Picasa web albums can now be synced to your phone gallery, and if you have multiple Google accounts it will now allow you to sync all your calendars from all accounts. Use a good WIFI connection to speed this update process up, my phone is still trying to complete the updates. I almost have 11 GB of pictures posted on my Picasa account so they are taking a while to sync to the phone. Based on the data usage it isn't downloading the full copy of the files. What can I say like to take pictures.

After the fruit loops, shredded laptop, hours of research, and quick updates, I ended with a rooted and updated phone with so many new features and I found new ones every time I opened another app. At this point I am very happy with my choice to update this way. I not have the choice to change out versions fairly easy and might up my mod level if I find something I can't live without. You can ask just about anyone I spoke with today... this root has made me like a kid geek again... and that feeling is why I test and run Beta and Alpha release software all the time. Finding a new version or new program that does better or something never done before makes me just ecstatic and I can't hold myself back from yelling it to the world.

Until my next big breakthrough... the techy writer in me is signing off.


Sunday, July 25, 2010

The blog

So yesterday someone told me they missed my blog and asked me why I don't blog anymore. The truth is that I have been writing blogs... just not completing them to my satisfaction. My head has been a little distracted lately. The anxiety of work and life and all the other BS has kept me from generating the ideas and words needed to write in my bog and keep it to what I have as standards. Not that my standards are high... Really... just read some of the crap I have posted over these last few years. LOL.

Because of that comment and because it isn't often you have the power to bring back something someone misses. I wanted to type up a blog today.

Stopping point... Can't think of what to type...
So here is a little bit of what happens when I try and blog. First I sit down and usually start out about something that happened or is going to happen or why I felt like blogging. That part is easy because I sat down and started typing for a reason. The next part is not completely easy for me. I start generating all the ideas that will go in to the blog and just start typing. This part goes smooth only until I hit an idea or thought that pulls my attention away from the road I saw before starting to type. That is when my blog start feeling like 'work'. Trying to keep it on track can be mind numbingly hard. I think this has a lot to do with where my inspiration to blog comes from. My inspiration to blog comes from the emotional responses to the happenings in my life. When I feel angry, sad, happy, and even void of emotion that is when I can sit down and have the ability to poor myself out in to words on a page. This is also why I don't publish all the blogs I type up. Sometimes things that I type about would make others feel bad. Those that know me best, know that is not me but I am not going to post something that might openly mash someones feelings even if that wasn't the intent.

Back to the inspiration part... I have found that when following the paths the emotional responses lead me down I find out that they become more complex than words can describe and I start making links between this emotion and others. This causes me to jump a few curbs and maybe go down the wrong way on a one way street. Generally causes havoc with the ability of the blog to make since. This is where the 'work' comes in. Keeping my mind on the path gets so hard that sometimes I give up or stop or read what I wrote and can't even follow my own words. Here is where my brain just stops... Because I got the idea or emotion in to words I can't go back and redo it. It wouldn't be the same as the first time I went through it and I wouldn't have as much stuff in my head to type.

What does this all really mean? It means I am not a writer and will never claim to be. Writers can create words where feelings and ideas start to get weak. I think of myself as someone that dumps words on a page and hope it is readable. That is the strength of this blog... it is ideas and feelings in the rawest form I can provide. When reading what I write after I post it, there are times that i can't even remember why a sentence come out a certain way. I am constantly thinking "WTF, why did I type that?" but that is the reaction after the idea has been put through the ringer of me blogging. I have never pulled a post down because of this reaction and it helps me understand the steps I go through when dealing with something.

In looking for a topic for a blog, I found that I didn't need a topic for it. The last part is my ending statement. I try and keep this short and sweet and usually I have the ending in mind before I even get half way through. That helps keep the blog more on track. Todays ending isn't going to be like that...

I would like to apologize for not blogging much over the last months (nearly a year). My blogging has always been about what I needed to do for myself. Someone in my life recently made me very aware of how much I only do things because they benefit me. I don't look at myself as being that way but I can see where and how I can portray that idea with my actions. I am pushing myself to start looking outside my somewhat self-centered blinders and see me from the outside. I haven't taken full stock of what I have discovered yet on this quest. But I am sure I there will be a blog about it sometime in the future. Until then, everyone now knows one of the mind entangling things that have been known to keep me awake at night.


Wednesday, June 30, 2010

so what about today

today was a good day. Very little email work because it is my day off... my job requires a lot of personal sacrifice. in the end i get paid for what i do and i love what i do to boot.

I got to wish a Canadian a Happy Canada day... a little early but it was worth the effort.

Again I am posting a little intoxicated. more so than i was the last time. but the time i spent out on the town was worth it.

So I am going to visit a subject i touched on before. Why will women not take up their own arms and go after what they are truly looking at and obviously want? Are women just as blind or do they expect such direct confrontation... why can't they be the ones that stand out in a crowd and have the go get'em attitude?

i guess this is more about being alone and not liking it than being against the other sex. I haven't quite learned how to be alone in my world yet. I am trying and when i succeed i will be ready for the next phase of Andrew. The confident man with a heart...


Friday, June 25, 2010

just a blog about our little world

today i am going not only all lower case... i am doing this almost to my brink of intoxication. a few choice high alcohol content beers will do that to you.

so i was thinking while i was sitting at the bar watching all the people mingle around me that i was the only one there completely alone. is it really sad that i went to a bar by myself? I like the bar atmosphere... the crappy food and almost unreal variety of choice of things to drink. have i become the old crazy guy at the bar at noon on a weekday already? i do not believe i am drinking because of anything other than just plan wanting to. but with the human mind it could be nearly anything driving that 'want' and i don't believe i would even know the reason even if it was not a personal and deliberate choice. so it doesn't really matter why i was there... just that i was there and pondered something why i was drinking and eating...

pondering the idea of why the girl at the end of the bar, that was clearly watching me for about an hour, didn't just come over and say hi? i think that women of this society have just as much difficulty approaching men as men have approaching women. many men in today's world are very emotional. I am not one of those men but i do have issues talking to people i don't know or about subjects i don't feel comfortable with. i believe that the world is a true two way street. comfort levels between any two people that have a conversations needs to be the responsibility of both parties and both people are responsible for keeping a relationship even it if is a one off 10-20 min talk in a bar alive. if one person doesn't make a move toward someone and the other person doesn't either... then it isn't just one of the persons fault, it is a collaborative effort between both people.

i know this world still looks to the men to do all the aggressive moves and approach the person they think might be a match for them. but why!? women i have met are more aggressive and much more socially adapted then i am so why can't they stand up for themselves and go get the person they want or see that they might want? i don't want to sound like i am being derogatory toward women or anything of the sort... i just wish to understand in a world where there are almost 10 women to every 9 men that men need to be the ones that have to do the work? the men who are aggressive in human society usually end up being aggressive in other ways or to other women because that is what they believe and how the world tells them they should be. the nice laid back men that stand in the shadows are the real 'stock' that women should be looking for. they are intelligent and thoughtful. but there is something wrong with these men... the drive of nature is completely wrong in our current world... the guys with the big arms and bulky chests aren't the ones that succeed in this world anymore. It takes more than brawn to be a great man in todays environment. it takes endless effort... some of us have is some of us don't...

i am a lazy man... i have learned to do what is needed not what should be done in the terms of life. i have spent too many years just simply surviving. i don't understand the idea of going beyond the just covering the needs of another person. because i suffer the same ailments as the women of todays world... i have that prehistoric idea that because i provided the basic needs to the woman, that is all i should do.

in the end we are in a very basic struggle between natural instinct, learned behavior patterns, and the drive to become more than nature intended. i personally have had a hard time breaking some molds that the male part of our race falls in to. in other ways i am completely different.

all in all we each have to choose or try and choose who we are going to be. sometimes nature is to strong to overcome. sometimes the intellectual drive to change isn't enough. maybe some of us are who we are for a reason... should i have walked to the end of the bar? maybe, maybe not. it is very possible that taking the walk was worse then showing others you are comfortable being in a bar alone.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Internal Reflections

Do you ever have the feeling that you are not yourself? Like the entire world is sitting in front of you but you can't reach it because you can't control what you do. A feeling something like that has become very much a big part of my life recently. I don't really understand why so I have decided to start blogging about it. Something about putting thoughts in to words and reading them to myself helps me work out what is really going on in my head. That is why i started this and that is why i will continue it for many years to come.

So what do I really mean by not feeling like myself... well I know for a fact that i feel old sometimes. Not older but truly old... Like my life has already been laid out and I what lay ahead is the same as it is now. I think I know the feeling this comes from but i don't understand why i feel it. It makes you feel like nothing you do in the world leaves a mark... like in a few years no one will remember you were even here. This is what people are supposed to feel before they die... you know the ideas that run though your head when you know you are not going to be alive anymore... when your time is up! I don't understand this feeling i am having because I am here to stay for many more years to come. I know life can be hard.. I have lived though some rough times and i have the scars to prove it. None visible of course but some people get close enough to see them. Some others think they have seen them but all they see is me protecting them from further harm.

Here is another idea i can't seem to figure out... I have spent my fair share of time thinking and talking about how i feel.(Not too much, I am a male) So why is it that i don't believe anything I say or think. Why does it feel like i am doing a lip service to the world by talking about feelings. Feelings I don't understand and things that I honestly believe I can't feel... I think of feelings in an intellectual way and that isn't what they are supposed to be... Not by description at least. Is that what feelings are? simple thoughts that make your mind believe they are more and cause major reactions in behavior and body chemistry. It is sad to think of emotions this way but that is how I see them... I don't have that intense drive of emotion that i expect from what I have learned in my life. Is it me... or is it the rest of the world fooling themselves in to thinking that these things exist because they are supposed to. I don't know the answer... I am a simple person that is fighting to survive in a world of endless information and lighting fast access to it. When you think of that it is amazing that we even have the ability to think on our own. Info is fed to us like animals with structured feeding times. We are fed what others believe we need to know and thus shaping how we think and how we live the rest of our lives.

I guess all this babble raises only one question... How do i break out... become or find who I really am in this finite world we live in?


Monday, June 14, 2010

Reflections and the Future

This is a little out of the realm of what I have blogged about in the recent past, what little I have blogged. But there has been something that has been nagging me for some weeks. One of those little feelings in the back of your head that has just been begging to get out. I have made no secret that sharing what I feel and think isn't easy. So I am going to take a step back to the days when blogging was new to me and FB and MySpace were my mediums of choice. As you can see I have evolved a little and I think it is time to reflect on the past.

It all started in the late winter early spring of 2008. Back in those days I was, at least from what I wanted to believe, happily married. Turns out that wasn't the case and it wasn't long before we were split and I was a complete wreak. It got bad enough that I have no memory of almost two months of my life. It was a complete emotional and mental breakdown. I consider myself lucky. I had a family that was there for me, not really here but on the phone, anytime I needed them. I can't even count the number of 3 am phone calls to my brother that he always answered. Hours of pacing back and fourth in my condo letting my mind race or just sitting on the floor crying. I eventually found professional help. With drugs, counseling, and a strong family backing me I was able to get on the correct path to becoming human again. I still cry today when I think back. Those were the bad times. It is easy to make myself believe or pretend everything is fine now. But I know I am not the same. I am hurt, damaged, and general scared of the future. Every time I make a corner in my road of life I find myself looking over my shoulder. I don't want my life to fall back in anything similar to the way things were but at the same time I want my life to move forward. But I'm I ready for such a step? There is the root of my fear. The fear that moving forward in my life means following some of the same paths I took before...

In the last few months my life has taken a huge step forward. First, there is my girlfriend. She has added something to life that is hard for me do describe. I want to say she makes me happy, but I don't want to make the suggestion that I wasn't happy before I met her. I think it is better to say she completes my happiness. Of course, not everything can be all happiness and joy. There are conflicts, stresses, and all the mis-communications that come with any relationship. But, we work well together and we have fun. Second, I am starting to see real progress on the financial side. It took over a year of endless juggling and shuffling to get all the pieces to fall in to place. There is still a long road head. If I can get the last pieces in place there are only two short years left before everything is taken care of. As long as I can maintain the status quo. Third, jumps back to the first one a bit and it is more about moving forward. I am starting to rebuild. It started with my girlfriend moving in with me and making plans for a larger apartment. I have to watch not to fall down the same slope I did before. I was so focused on building my life to where I wanted it, I lost sight of what I needed to do to make my life complete. Being a male, my mind thinks of money and physical things first. Feelings take a back seat in most mens minds. It is a curse of evolution and it takes a lot of effort to break though and bring them to the front.

Enough, I have worked though what I wanted too and I am stopping now.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Escape from the fun days

Does everyone remember the fun days of being young? I do... but, now that I am more knowledgeable, I look back at those simple days and wonder why I thought they were fun to begin with. The more I think back the more I realize that the only reason they were fun is because I didn't know anything more existed. It is one of those times when if you knew more you would have done things differently and had real fun!! Maybe this is just a side effect of growing up being very closed off of the social world that existed in the towns and bigger cities.
In some ways I lived in a world cut off and was able to experience things other people only saw in movies or read in books. Living in a place where you could be outside yelling at the top of your lungs and no one was close enough to hear you is an experience I know few other people have had. If you can imagine living in a place where you could literally be the center of the world because you were the only one there. Now that I am typing my ideas... it really does sound fun time. I hear others talk about growing up in the city. The things they did and how they lived. I can't even imagine growing up that way and I am sure many people can't imagine how my life was out among the farmland.
It is amazing how the experiences differ between everyone. The stories of even those I went to school with were very different than mine. Many of the people I grew up with still live near where we all grew up. I am one of the few that moved away. It is hard not to think about it like I escaped something. Like I was the lucky one that got away. I know that isn't the truth of the situation, but it is what we think about when we hear that type of story. Escaping the small town to make it big somewhere else. Except in the movies many of these stories end in tragedy, heartache, and a genuine feeling of missing the simple life.
Personally, I don't count out the possibility of going back and living there again. Moving back to the simple fun life and wide open spaces. Just like the cliche, the problem with doing so is that I am part of both worlds now. I don't really fit in to the social norm of the city lifestyle but my life is too fast paced to live in the nearly stagnate rural world I came from.

It really comes down to the fact that I haven't found where I belong yet. I try new things and I am always working toward making myself a better person. I learn a little at a time. One day the right situation will present itself and my 'escape' will have come to an end and I will be exactly where I should be. The pursuit of life is not an easy one...


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

New layout and look

Forgot to mention in the last few posts... I updated the layout for the Blog. Includes a mobile layout for those that read this on the go. That is where I spend most of my time reading blogs!!!

So if you are running some RSS reader to read this... Click the link and check it out.


Posting it up again

Whats up?

I am starting to get used to this no free time thing. It has driven me to start using my time very differently. I am spending less time working on each item and moving on to the next project more quickly. Just like this short little blog. 20 mins ago I was doing DNS and VPN maintenance. Quick note... just added a bunch of new features to my Google Apps account, going to be testing out the Google Code repository. Might might migrate from my SVN to that if it works well. Don't really know if I need that level of system for what little I play around with. But you never know!!! I spent about 30 mins doing some simple cleanup and some VPN software updates now I am blogging. I am trying to keep myself from spending 3 hours just playing around with features of the new stuff I find. Never been able to keep myself settled down when there is something cool to go check out.

Just got a new HD for my laptop to fill the second empty slot. Taking my system to the big time with a 640GB 5400 2.5" SATA drive. Picked it up at a bulk rate for only 100 bucks. I filled up my current 160 GB main drive about three days after I installed Windows 7. I am going to dump all my offline files and storage data on this second drive. Maybe in 6 months or so I can pick up a new main drive. Something with a 16MB buffer and a 7200 rpm spin. That will boost the system performance by a huge amount. Who knows maybe even a RAM upgrade... the hardware will support 8 GB!!! I think I need to think about a server to replace my 6 year old server before I start upgrading the now only 12 month old laptop. You never know these days... I may not have time to work on such things.

well that is enough for this update. I will be in touch!!


Thursday, March 11, 2010

Posting on the fly

I have a new way to blog. With the wordpress android app I now have access to my blog and comments while sitting anywhere. This should help with my posting more often... I think I see a re-occouring theme here.

This is just one more reason I love my android phone. Having the physical keyboard is just nice when you are typing emails or blog posts, like this one. The software keyboards can slow me down a bit and there isn't anything to feel when you are typing. Now for those that like the software keyboards that is availabe too. Nothing like having the choice of how you want to type each time you do.

I think that is the point of open source option of android. a hundred different hardware options with nearly all the same apps no matter what you choose. And there are some killer apps out there. Like Touchdown for MS Exchange access. Nothing I have found beats it on any phone.

So if you are looking for a smart phone in the near future. Take a look at the android line of phones. Available on nearly any service and in all the styles and colors you can think of. Who knows you might even comment on my blog from your android.

Until next time.


Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Hello from the long lost relem of endless winter

The past: Ok I know it has been forever since I posted. It should have taken me so long to get back in the swing of things since the fall of my prior job and company and the promo to the new job and new company and such. But I am here now so that means I am getting back on my feet and running. I think the holidays had a lot to do with my general lack of will and could also be a huge reason for the 20+ lbs weight gain. I know I sound like a woman complaining about that... it is more about felling good then being skinny. The move to the new apartment didn't help with anything either. For some reason I ended up with more unpacked boxes in this new place. I didn't have much to pack to begin with and I am still trying to figure out what is in them without opening them.

The now: So what is going on here... a little of everything these days. I have had so much going on that I have all but dropped out of the MINI scene. I have been spending most of my time learing my new job and doing side work. NVCS has really picked up in 2010. I think more and more people are trying to my computer systems run longer to save money in these shaky times. That just means for a few dollars I can show up and clean and do some general work on your systems. I am even thinking about a flat rate on system cleanups. It can be time consuming but it is a low cost endevor for me and customer satisfaction is the best part of my job. There is just something about helping someone out and taking a system that is trashed and make it as clean and new as possible.

The future: I see a very bright future ahead of me. Work is good, home isn't bad. There are always things that anoy you and in time you either get used to the fact that is how it is... or you work to change it. I have a bad habbit of just sitting back and waiting for it to change itself. I am working to change that habbit and start working hard to make everything better. Life just doesn't fix itself and it isn't complex just hard.

Lets see if I keep the posts flowing this time. Doing this makes working though issues in my head easier.