Wednesday, June 30, 2010

so what about today

today was a good day. Very little email work because it is my day off... my job requires a lot of personal sacrifice. in the end i get paid for what i do and i love what i do to boot.

I got to wish a Canadian a Happy Canada day... a little early but it was worth the effort.

Again I am posting a little intoxicated. more so than i was the last time. but the time i spent out on the town was worth it.

So I am going to visit a subject i touched on before. Why will women not take up their own arms and go after what they are truly looking at and obviously want? Are women just as blind or do they expect such direct confrontation... why can't they be the ones that stand out in a crowd and have the go get'em attitude?

i guess this is more about being alone and not liking it than being against the other sex. I haven't quite learned how to be alone in my world yet. I am trying and when i succeed i will be ready for the next phase of Andrew. The confident man with a heart...


Friday, June 25, 2010

just a blog about our little world

today i am going not only all lower case... i am doing this almost to my brink of intoxication. a few choice high alcohol content beers will do that to you.

so i was thinking while i was sitting at the bar watching all the people mingle around me that i was the only one there completely alone. is it really sad that i went to a bar by myself? I like the bar atmosphere... the crappy food and almost unreal variety of choice of things to drink. have i become the old crazy guy at the bar at noon on a weekday already? i do not believe i am drinking because of anything other than just plan wanting to. but with the human mind it could be nearly anything driving that 'want' and i don't believe i would even know the reason even if it was not a personal and deliberate choice. so it doesn't really matter why i was there... just that i was there and pondered something why i was drinking and eating...

pondering the idea of why the girl at the end of the bar, that was clearly watching me for about an hour, didn't just come over and say hi? i think that women of this society have just as much difficulty approaching men as men have approaching women. many men in today's world are very emotional. I am not one of those men but i do have issues talking to people i don't know or about subjects i don't feel comfortable with. i believe that the world is a true two way street. comfort levels between any two people that have a conversations needs to be the responsibility of both parties and both people are responsible for keeping a relationship even it if is a one off 10-20 min talk in a bar alive. if one person doesn't make a move toward someone and the other person doesn't either... then it isn't just one of the persons fault, it is a collaborative effort between both people.

i know this world still looks to the men to do all the aggressive moves and approach the person they think might be a match for them. but why!? women i have met are more aggressive and much more socially adapted then i am so why can't they stand up for themselves and go get the person they want or see that they might want? i don't want to sound like i am being derogatory toward women or anything of the sort... i just wish to understand in a world where there are almost 10 women to every 9 men that men need to be the ones that have to do the work? the men who are aggressive in human society usually end up being aggressive in other ways or to other women because that is what they believe and how the world tells them they should be. the nice laid back men that stand in the shadows are the real 'stock' that women should be looking for. they are intelligent and thoughtful. but there is something wrong with these men... the drive of nature is completely wrong in our current world... the guys with the big arms and bulky chests aren't the ones that succeed in this world anymore. It takes more than brawn to be a great man in todays environment. it takes endless effort... some of us have is some of us don't...

i am a lazy man... i have learned to do what is needed not what should be done in the terms of life. i have spent too many years just simply surviving. i don't understand the idea of going beyond the just covering the needs of another person. because i suffer the same ailments as the women of todays world... i have that prehistoric idea that because i provided the basic needs to the woman, that is all i should do.

in the end we are in a very basic struggle between natural instinct, learned behavior patterns, and the drive to become more than nature intended. i personally have had a hard time breaking some molds that the male part of our race falls in to. in other ways i am completely different.

all in all we each have to choose or try and choose who we are going to be. sometimes nature is to strong to overcome. sometimes the intellectual drive to change isn't enough. maybe some of us are who we are for a reason... should i have walked to the end of the bar? maybe, maybe not. it is very possible that taking the walk was worse then showing others you are comfortable being in a bar alone.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Internal Reflections

Do you ever have the feeling that you are not yourself? Like the entire world is sitting in front of you but you can't reach it because you can't control what you do. A feeling something like that has become very much a big part of my life recently. I don't really understand why so I have decided to start blogging about it. Something about putting thoughts in to words and reading them to myself helps me work out what is really going on in my head. That is why i started this and that is why i will continue it for many years to come.

So what do I really mean by not feeling like myself... well I know for a fact that i feel old sometimes. Not older but truly old... Like my life has already been laid out and I what lay ahead is the same as it is now. I think I know the feeling this comes from but i don't understand why i feel it. It makes you feel like nothing you do in the world leaves a mark... like in a few years no one will remember you were even here. This is what people are supposed to feel before they die... you know the ideas that run though your head when you know you are not going to be alive anymore... when your time is up! I don't understand this feeling i am having because I am here to stay for many more years to come. I know life can be hard.. I have lived though some rough times and i have the scars to prove it. None visible of course but some people get close enough to see them. Some others think they have seen them but all they see is me protecting them from further harm.

Here is another idea i can't seem to figure out... I have spent my fair share of time thinking and talking about how i feel.(Not too much, I am a male) So why is it that i don't believe anything I say or think. Why does it feel like i am doing a lip service to the world by talking about feelings. Feelings I don't understand and things that I honestly believe I can't feel... I think of feelings in an intellectual way and that isn't what they are supposed to be... Not by description at least. Is that what feelings are? simple thoughts that make your mind believe they are more and cause major reactions in behavior and body chemistry. It is sad to think of emotions this way but that is how I see them... I don't have that intense drive of emotion that i expect from what I have learned in my life. Is it me... or is it the rest of the world fooling themselves in to thinking that these things exist because they are supposed to. I don't know the answer... I am a simple person that is fighting to survive in a world of endless information and lighting fast access to it. When you think of that it is amazing that we even have the ability to think on our own. Info is fed to us like animals with structured feeding times. We are fed what others believe we need to know and thus shaping how we think and how we live the rest of our lives.

I guess all this babble raises only one question... How do i break out... become or find who I really am in this finite world we live in?


Monday, June 14, 2010

Reflections and the Future

This is a little out of the realm of what I have blogged about in the recent past, what little I have blogged. But there has been something that has been nagging me for some weeks. One of those little feelings in the back of your head that has just been begging to get out. I have made no secret that sharing what I feel and think isn't easy. So I am going to take a step back to the days when blogging was new to me and FB and MySpace were my mediums of choice. As you can see I have evolved a little and I think it is time to reflect on the past.

It all started in the late winter early spring of 2008. Back in those days I was, at least from what I wanted to believe, happily married. Turns out that wasn't the case and it wasn't long before we were split and I was a complete wreak. It got bad enough that I have no memory of almost two months of my life. It was a complete emotional and mental breakdown. I consider myself lucky. I had a family that was there for me, not really here but on the phone, anytime I needed them. I can't even count the number of 3 am phone calls to my brother that he always answered. Hours of pacing back and fourth in my condo letting my mind race or just sitting on the floor crying. I eventually found professional help. With drugs, counseling, and a strong family backing me I was able to get on the correct path to becoming human again. I still cry today when I think back. Those were the bad times. It is easy to make myself believe or pretend everything is fine now. But I know I am not the same. I am hurt, damaged, and general scared of the future. Every time I make a corner in my road of life I find myself looking over my shoulder. I don't want my life to fall back in anything similar to the way things were but at the same time I want my life to move forward. But I'm I ready for such a step? There is the root of my fear. The fear that moving forward in my life means following some of the same paths I took before...

In the last few months my life has taken a huge step forward. First, there is my girlfriend. She has added something to life that is hard for me do describe. I want to say she makes me happy, but I don't want to make the suggestion that I wasn't happy before I met her. I think it is better to say she completes my happiness. Of course, not everything can be all happiness and joy. There are conflicts, stresses, and all the mis-communications that come with any relationship. But, we work well together and we have fun. Second, I am starting to see real progress on the financial side. It took over a year of endless juggling and shuffling to get all the pieces to fall in to place. There is still a long road head. If I can get the last pieces in place there are only two short years left before everything is taken care of. As long as I can maintain the status quo. Third, jumps back to the first one a bit and it is more about moving forward. I am starting to rebuild. It started with my girlfriend moving in with me and making plans for a larger apartment. I have to watch not to fall down the same slope I did before. I was so focused on building my life to where I wanted it, I lost sight of what I needed to do to make my life complete. Being a male, my mind thinks of money and physical things first. Feelings take a back seat in most mens minds. It is a curse of evolution and it takes a lot of effort to break though and bring them to the front.

Enough, I have worked though what I wanted too and I am stopping now.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Escape from the fun days

Does everyone remember the fun days of being young? I do... but, now that I am more knowledgeable, I look back at those simple days and wonder why I thought they were fun to begin with. The more I think back the more I realize that the only reason they were fun is because I didn't know anything more existed. It is one of those times when if you knew more you would have done things differently and had real fun!! Maybe this is just a side effect of growing up being very closed off of the social world that existed in the towns and bigger cities.
In some ways I lived in a world cut off and was able to experience things other people only saw in movies or read in books. Living in a place where you could be outside yelling at the top of your lungs and no one was close enough to hear you is an experience I know few other people have had. If you can imagine living in a place where you could literally be the center of the world because you were the only one there. Now that I am typing my ideas... it really does sound fun time. I hear others talk about growing up in the city. The things they did and how they lived. I can't even imagine growing up that way and I am sure many people can't imagine how my life was out among the farmland.
It is amazing how the experiences differ between everyone. The stories of even those I went to school with were very different than mine. Many of the people I grew up with still live near where we all grew up. I am one of the few that moved away. It is hard not to think about it like I escaped something. Like I was the lucky one that got away. I know that isn't the truth of the situation, but it is what we think about when we hear that type of story. Escaping the small town to make it big somewhere else. Except in the movies many of these stories end in tragedy, heartache, and a genuine feeling of missing the simple life.
Personally, I don't count out the possibility of going back and living there again. Moving back to the simple fun life and wide open spaces. Just like the cliche, the problem with doing so is that I am part of both worlds now. I don't really fit in to the social norm of the city lifestyle but my life is too fast paced to live in the nearly stagnate rural world I came from.

It really comes down to the fact that I haven't found where I belong yet. I try new things and I am always working toward making myself a better person. I learn a little at a time. One day the right situation will present itself and my 'escape' will have come to an end and I will be exactly where I should be. The pursuit of life is not an easy one...