Monday, June 14, 2010

Reflections and the Future

This is a little out of the realm of what I have blogged about in the recent past, what little I have blogged. But there has been something that has been nagging me for some weeks. One of those little feelings in the back of your head that has just been begging to get out. I have made no secret that sharing what I feel and think isn't easy. So I am going to take a step back to the days when blogging was new to me and FB and MySpace were my mediums of choice. As you can see I have evolved a little and I think it is time to reflect on the past.

It all started in the late winter early spring of 2008. Back in those days I was, at least from what I wanted to believe, happily married. Turns out that wasn't the case and it wasn't long before we were split and I was a complete wreak. It got bad enough that I have no memory of almost two months of my life. It was a complete emotional and mental breakdown. I consider myself lucky. I had a family that was there for me, not really here but on the phone, anytime I needed them. I can't even count the number of 3 am phone calls to my brother that he always answered. Hours of pacing back and fourth in my condo letting my mind race or just sitting on the floor crying. I eventually found professional help. With drugs, counseling, and a strong family backing me I was able to get on the correct path to becoming human again. I still cry today when I think back. Those were the bad times. It is easy to make myself believe or pretend everything is fine now. But I know I am not the same. I am hurt, damaged, and general scared of the future. Every time I make a corner in my road of life I find myself looking over my shoulder. I don't want my life to fall back in anything similar to the way things were but at the same time I want my life to move forward. But I'm I ready for such a step? There is the root of my fear. The fear that moving forward in my life means following some of the same paths I took before...

In the last few months my life has taken a huge step forward. First, there is my girlfriend. She has added something to life that is hard for me do describe. I want to say she makes me happy, but I don't want to make the suggestion that I wasn't happy before I met her. I think it is better to say she completes my happiness. Of course, not everything can be all happiness and joy. There are conflicts, stresses, and all the mis-communications that come with any relationship. But, we work well together and we have fun. Second, I am starting to see real progress on the financial side. It took over a year of endless juggling and shuffling to get all the pieces to fall in to place. There is still a long road head. If I can get the last pieces in place there are only two short years left before everything is taken care of. As long as I can maintain the status quo. Third, jumps back to the first one a bit and it is more about moving forward. I am starting to rebuild. It started with my girlfriend moving in with me and making plans for a larger apartment. I have to watch not to fall down the same slope I did before. I was so focused on building my life to where I wanted it, I lost sight of what I needed to do to make my life complete. Being a male, my mind thinks of money and physical things first. Feelings take a back seat in most mens minds. It is a curse of evolution and it takes a lot of effort to break though and bring them to the front.

Enough, I have worked though what I wanted too and I am stopping now.

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