Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The topic

I spent too many hours writing that last blog. Technical info is hard to convey in just simple and plain words. But When I completed that blog I didn't feel as if I was 'done'. Not like I do when I complete one of my normal blog topics. I find myself sitting in my living room/office/kitchen... love this apartment... listening to a shuffle of every MP3 i have on my system and watching the rain fall on the patio. A song came on by the name of 'Fishbowl'. One of the lyrics is "The night is young". (bonus: what is the next lyric in the song?) I heard that and started thinking it is early... 9 isn't all that late. I am not done yet. So I sat down at my computer and started typing what you just read. See how I brought you up to speed?.. we are now on the same time line... how cool!?

What is there to write about? What topic?

There is only one that I have left in my head right now. It is the topic that has been on my brain off and on for over 20 years. It is the topic of "The Crush". That is my name for it for lack of any word that can describe it. It is the one thing during all the years of my remembered life I can't find an explanation for. No mater how hard I work at it, no mater what I do, It has always been there. There are times in my life, years at times, it was dormant, but it never left. Now 22 years later I am still in the same situation as I was in when I was barley able to understand what letters were. That right I met someone when I was 5 years old, had a crush on her, and it still exists today.


In all honesty... thinking about what to type here is causing me to tear up. The emotion that has been built in to this topic over all these years feels like a pressure building in a balloon as it is inflated. I don't know if I can exist and contain it anymore.

Now, you have the title of this topic. I will now explain the details of this long term relationship.

In 1989 I went to Kindergarten to start my schooling. It was at that time that we would only be there 1/2 day. I would ride the bus to school and my mom would pick me up everyday and I would go home for the afternoon. There was a girl who, at the time I thought, lived down the street from us. It was actually where some of her family lived. My mother would take her there everyday. In the 9 month school year I got to know a lot about this girl. Spent a lot of time with her in class on the buss and the old Birchler blue van. I don't remember many of the details of the day to day interactions we had, but I remember Bob. That would be Bob Seger and the song 'Old Time Rock and Roll'. "Take them old records off the shelf...". There was a tape deck in the blue van. She and I would play it everyday over and over on the way home. I can't forget the words to that song even if I tried to do so. Little did I know and realize at the time... she didn't come to my school the following year for first grade. It turns out that she didn't live down the street, she lived in another school district and continued her education else where. Either I don't remember or I truly didn't realize at the time that she wasn't there after that. End of chapter 1.

6 years later... 7th grade. The bus stopped at the same house down the street again. By this time I knew who really lived there and who got on the bus there. There was a new kid, about 5 years old. He was heading to kindergarten. I was asked to keep an eye on him and make sure he made the bus transfers correctly. I was one of the few students that completed k-8 at the same catholic school. Most everyone else went to elementary first than middle school or junior high. I did my job and kept the kid safe on his trips back and forth from school... the school had a full day kindergarten. I became the kids friend and we talked everyday. One day he mentioned he had a sister and there were some other details about other family relationships that came up over the weeks and months. I put two and two together... This little kid ended up being the girls little brother. I wrote a note... Kept it in my pocket for two weeks before I came up with the nerve to ask him to take it home to his sister. I can't remember the details of the note or even the form of the reply... I know we talked on the phone a few times during that time. At some point during this time frame the fact that I was a stupid, unknowing, socially inexperienced, soon-to-be teenager enters the picture and we stop talking. She might be able to shed some light on this time better than I.

The years that followed... I know there was at least one maybe two times that I actually saw her over the years. I can't pick them out in my fading memory. The specific details of a few things are almost all that I can remember from my childhood now. Who knew that nearly everything would fade so quickly. Nothing more happened over the high school years between us. I went through life doing what was expected of me. Building relationships, finding lovers, friends, and eventually I got married. Before I jump ahead, I need to mention just because I didn't see or talk with her doesn't mean she wasn't on my mind. I can remember many situations where her name would be mentioned... It wasn't even about her, just someone with her name and I would remember her instantly and wonder where she was. I remember one specific time at the store in Muncie the check out girls name tag had her name on it. That one time is still fresh in my mind as if I saw the name yesterday... white plastic, engraved red letters just under the store name.

A few years later... 13 years since the note was sent with the brother. I live in Phoenix at this time... my marriage was failing. I had no idea what to do anymore... my world crumbled and my heart with it... I barely knew who I was some days over the months that followed. Sometime in the early days of this turmoil... I joined Facebook and MySpace for the first time. At some point I found an old school friend and it sparked the memory of her again. I knew nothing of where she was or where she went to school or anything. I set out one day to find her... A few weeks of some simple internet research and tracking through the friends of friends that existed on Facebook at that time... I found her and said 'HI'. A little messaging between us and that was it for a few weeks. One day I sat down... My head was all a mess at that time and wrote out the last 20 years of truth in a brief and horribly written message... two days later I put it in to a private message on Facebook and sent it to her. You can imagine a note that was littered with misspellings and grammar errors and read as if it was written by someone complete insane. I didn't sleep for 36 hours straight after sending that. I nearly sat and watched my computer the entire time waiting for her to login and read it... I was like a stalker. I remember watching her show as online... 10 mins passed... then her status changed... "Shock" was the first word. The bad message got the point across!

That is about all I remember... the next 3 months I have very little memory of. I was on several anti-depressants and I lost about 50 lbs in about 6-7 weeks. I didn't eat or sleep. I started spending a lot of time drinking... did some things that time that were way outside my normal self. During this time she and I texted from time to time. One specific thing was mentioned that I remember, she stated that she kinda already knew about it before I sent the message. I still do not know what that means I think it is because I can't remember the context of when it was said.

Sometime during my time of blackness... One night a random girl and I had drunk sex in a public hot tub and there were people around. I didn't even know who she was. The next morning, still drunk with the shakes, I went to breakfast with my friends and the girl from the night before was there across the table from me. I met her and found out who she was. I did't know how to handle this because I had never dealt with it before. I felt awkward and out of place and being drunk didn't help. A few mins after sitting down at breakfast, my phone rang. It was her... we hadn't had a lot of communication the last few weeks or months. The call couldn't have came at a worse time. I was barely able to hold myself together on that call. My voice was shaky, my sentences incomplete, and I am sure I sounded like I was insane again. During this time I was also just starting to learn how to open myself up to people. I wasn't able to speak about myself without hesitation like I do now, two years and a million more experiences later. We didn't do a lot of chatting or texting after that conversation, per my memory. Over the next 18 months, I cleaned up my act and did some dating and even built a good relationship. It didn't last but we are still friends and that is huge step for me. Being able to put aside everything that was wrong and still be able to talk... really talk.

Present day... I started making planes a few months ago to go home to visit my family for the holidays. She and I had traded messages from time to time I remembered that she asked when I was coming home next one time in the past. So, I let her know that I was planing on October / November time frame. A few weeks ago, I received a text from a number I didn't know. They asked when I was coming home to Indiana. A text a few secs later stated who it was... it was her. We have been texting a lot since that day. Had some good online chats too. We made non specific plans to hang out while I am home for that week in November. The meeting is still 4 months away and I find myself nervous and anxious about it already. I have no idea what to expect and my mind is filling in the gaps with whatever random scenario it can come up with. I haven't been sleeping all that well and I wake up thinking about my trip home nearly every night of the week. I don't know how to talk to her and I have found myself not acting like myself in the texts we have traded in the last week. I am acting like the almost teenager I remember from all those years ago.

I was on the verge of complete melt down last weekend, then a friend invited me over for a movie. That night called me down somehow. I am focusing on myself again and what I need to do to keep me good. In the last 4 days I have held my own. I am being detailed in my work and my home life. Including getting back to writing blogs like this one. I have 4 months of this battle left and I am going to need more help before it is over.

This is a blog that will never have and ending. After 22 years there is no way to find an ending worth the reality of the story told here.

This will never be made public.


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