Saturday, November 6, 2010

Choices and more Changes

It has been a few days now... I have had time to truly think over the choice I have made. The idea that I am leaving what has become my home scares me. Not for the reasons that first come to mind either. I can distantly feel three reasons why I am scared.

One: I feel like I am running from something. Running from the heart aches I have gained while living here. Some of the toughest years of my life were lived here. I feel as if leaving without resolving everything just makes me a coward and a heartless person. Coward because I haven't been able to face the pain and be rid of it forever. A heartless person because I would have left knowing that I created scars on others and myself without fixing them first. This is the part that makes me cry about leaving. The part that reaches my soul and tears a part of it away. It leaves me feeling like a worthless human.

Two: I am leaving the only place I know has truly loved me. The people, the city, and even the desert seem to be part of me. Like I am part of the overall scheme. That I am not just a working ant in a sea of a million workers. Like I was the black ant among the reds around me. Like I was special. I do now know if I will find this feeling again. But I really hope so!

Three: This is the standard reason. The reason everyone feels about leaving a place. The friends I have made here have made my live worth living. They with help of outside reasons... they saved my life. Truly saved my life. There was a time When everything seemed lost to me... and life itself was no longer worth the effort. The friends I have known here pulled me back from the edge. I was never able to thank all of them... because they most likely didn't even know what they did for me. But I have tried to return the favor by becoming who I am today. The person shaped by their influence, the better person because they were part of my life.

The changes that come from the choice I have made is a selfish one. I am doping what I have to for myself. I m not thinking of others feelings as I make this change. I am simply not able to ddddddddddddddddddkkkkkkklllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllljdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Ok, I fell asleep while typing... time to post and go to bed.


Monday, November 1, 2010

Tomorrow and Me

So this afternoon while working on some documents. Something hit me... When will I find meaning for my life? I know I am not old, but I feel like I am some days. Like I have already lived through the best parts of my life and tomorrow will only be the day after today. It will not bring anything new. It will be just another day of mundane tasks and endless problem solving. Has life already passed me by... Have I been content with my solitary life that I am not willing to try anymore? I feel like the only good I have left is the little things. Like cooking a great dinner for myself... or a nice mountain drive.

In my head I know that I am just felling.. 'down' and it will pass as things move around and change. But it doesn't change the fact that I still feel this is all there is. I am too young to really be thinking these things. I am still a long way from reaching the end of my potential. It the the thought of the extra efforts that make me feel the way I do. The time and energy needed to expand where I am to the next level and beyond. It just looks exhausting...