Thursday, December 29, 2011

Birthday Wish

I am writing this a few short minutes before my 29th birthday. I have found over the last few years I seem to take the days before my birthday and think over my life. What has happened over the last 365 days, and where the next 365 will take me. As I look back I always seem to think of the struggles of life. But today I thought of the good things. The milestones that marked my growing in to who I am. I honestly didn't think it was possible to have gotten to some of the heights I was. But I did it and even though I am not there now... I know I will be again.

From my childhood three events stand out as defining moments.
My bike wreak in to the pine trees when I was first learning how to ride. I remember being scared that the tree was getting close, to scared to turn. That was the first of some really horrifying wreaks. Several I still have scars from.
There was a time I rode my bike nearly 10 miles to go see someone and didn't stop. I just rode by and back home. Again scared for a completely different reason. I always think of that moment as one that defined me. I have never really broken from that scared nature that I had at that time. But it was one of the first truly bold, out-of-box moves I ever made and the rest of my life I have built on that to where I am today.
The last event was the time of my first rebellious act of independence. I wasn't as old as you think, but I worked very hard that day to disobey and to not do what I expected to do. I had logical reasons at the time for my actions. Because of that day they are still some of the same reasons I have today for my actions. That day taught me something bigger then the events that happened. It taught me that no matter right from wrong, most people will try to force their will on you. They will try and mold you in to what they think you should be. I think that was the event that pushed me to make sure I was like no one else.

In my high school years things were not all that interesting. I was in social shock most of the 4 years. Coming from a BFE area rural family, going to a very small catholic school, and basically not really having anyone other than my family to be friends with would do that to anyone I would think. Even after 4 years I never really got the hang of the social world.
My first real girlfriend. Not anyone I would be interested in today. But young men don't think with their heads on their shoulders. I was no different. It taught me a lot, but at the same time it hurt me. It skewed my views enough to cause pain later in my life. It also helped me build a different version of myself after I realized the truth of it all. It was worth the pain.

In my early adult life I made great strides in life and tripped more then I hopped.
I was married before I even realized what that really meant. I missed a lot because of my devotion to that idea of marriage, I gained a lot too. It allowed me to get away from the place I grew up. Got me further in to the world than I wanted to think about and now can't stop thinking about. It took me to a place that I enjoyed and want in my life again. It created more hurt and pain then I had experienced before and to this day clouds my past. Thinking back I very rarely don't think about that dark time. It is what drives me forward.
After the marriage my life became... interesting... for a while. I wasn't thinking, I was just doing. It was the college life I never had, kinda. I was old enough to make sure I was responsible but I was able to release and not care. To walk away from the things before and forget what I had to deal with in the real world. I found people during that time that changed me... taught me that the values I have are mine and are important to me. Before that time in my life I hadn't defined myself and what I believed. I was a roamer. Doing what ever I thought was right at the time. I started piecing myself together after that. Most of it can be read in this blog. From my first post on my MySpace blog, to the move to hosted blog, to the full move to my own domain. It is a journey of myself in words. I have learn more from my own words in this blog then I could have ever learned just roaming around looking for answers. I don't answer questions on here... I explore them, just like the ideas before my birthday. I have put in to words small times I remember. In doing so I unlocked more details and endless ideas from those small events. That is the reason for my typed ramblings.

I don't know what the next 365 will hold but I will make it better then the prior 365. My only wish is for all good things for all the good people I have known, will know, loved, and will love.


Sunday, December 25, 2011

the truth

I was up really late one night. I for some reason decided to listen to some music. A few songs played that I really like. They are the types of songs that make you really feel the intent of the words in your heart. Songs with feeling and meaning. I have heard them dozens of times. This time was different. This time it sparked an idea of truth that I have always tried to uncover and seemed only skirt in all of my endless ramblings and thoughts. The truth was revealed when I put the ideas in the songs together and applied them to my life. Not as it is now but the entire history.

By looking at how my life became what it is today from the simple points of view there is a pattern that shows itself. This simple truth should have been easier to spot and understand before now. And to a point I have. But for some reason I was missing a layer of understanding. I find that is how a lot of things are in my life. I know all of this and all of that but I am missing one simple common thing that makes 2 and 2 come together. Today I understand myself a little more. The first step is recognizing you have a problem in the 12 step programs. I guess figuring out your self can follow the same logic. You have to see the trees, the brush, and weeds before the forest makes any since. It is baby steps.

The truth is... well it doesn't really matter what this truth is. Learning to understand what it is and the reason it effects me so much does.

I have been writing in this blog for a few years now. Every time I do I seem to understand myself more. I grow by trying ideas and exploring thoughts. I once thought i was trying to changing myself. I have realized that I don't need to change... I need to understand. I don't know myself as well as I had thought I did. Life has raised questions that have been getting harder and harder to answer. The more I dig the more I have fallen back on my old ways of thinking. That life will work out. Things will fall in to place. I know that isn't true. I made things happen before and I can do that again. I need to keep that faith that my hard work will pay off and it will cause good things to come for both myself personally, professionally, and that leads to being able to be there for everyone else.

I have set a goal for myself. It is a very long term goal but I know I can get there. Now I start the planning and doing to reach that goal. First step... setting some milestones.


Thursday, December 1, 2011


I know we all live with it from time to time. Some of us on a daily basis. Over the last few months my frustrations over the disappointments in my life, work, and just generally about the world have been growing more and more hostile. I find myself not allowing them to roll off me like I have taught myself to do in the past. Things just aren't the same here. I feel like I live in a unforgiving and hostile environment. The weather is always out to try and kill you. If it isn't constant rain, it is ice, snow, or fog. I don't think I have seen the actual sun in weeks. The people here don't make it any easier. The few that are actually good at what they do or are good people usually get a superiority complex and end up being complete assholes. The bar for being good at ones job is far lower here as well. I know why nearly everyone with a truly successful future leaves this place. Everyday I am reminded of why I left the first time and it just makes me more sad everyday that I was forced to move back here.

I guess I am just sick of being back at the bottom of the world again. I was in a good place not so long ago. I had potential... now it just feels like I am on a dead end road with no brakes. I don't know what is at the end but it isn't looking good. I miss the good times. I am working hard to bring them back.

Sunday, October 30, 2011


I haven't blogged in a while. I can tell... Blogging is my therapy, my release. Without it, I don't feel like myself. I start to loose focus on life. Not that this year had been all that good for it anyway but I think I should at least try and keep my head above water during these 'hard times' for lack of a better short description. These last few months I have slowly lost my drive, my desires, my will to keep battling on. It was always easier to deal with setbacks when there were people around that kept your spirits high by just being there. The friends that were there meant more to me than I gave them credit. Sorry my friends, I sold you short, I left without saying proper goodbyes, and I left when I shouldn't have. I am loosing myself here. I haven't really recovered from what happened in January. I couldn't have cared less about the job I lost... but the life I had built over the last several years just ended and I am afraid of never getting it back. That I have to start all over makes me not want to. make me want to just give up and settle for what I can barely scrounge up.

I have started some projects to keep me busy. To keep me from doing nothing and away from the endless thoughts of the 'bad stuff'. The projects are nice, I have learned alot. I have done a lot of new things that are way out there from my normal playing around with stuff. I might actually find something I like doing more... I am not holding my breath. It has also kept me from doing stuff I should be doing. Time has been flying by. Two and even three weeks have gone by without me even once thinking about paying my bills or taking care of some of my legal paperwork I still need to complete. I still haven't changed my address on my license and I have been here since July! I don't speed money anymore because just buying food for myself at the store usually drains the last few dollars I have each week. Living here is more expensive overall then living in Phoenix Metro. If I wouldn't have found this super cheap apartment (not a great apartment in any way) I would have to find a way each week to pinch pennies just to get the things I need. I am over reacting there a little bit. I can save money on some things if I really had to. Like my cell phone bill and internet connection. Both of those are really high compared to what most others use... but I am not most people. Saving 10 dollars a month but than having to stress about going over minutes isn't really a savings to me. Not even having to think about it is worth the 10 dollars ... as long as I have it to spend.

I guess what it really boils down to is, I don't feel like I am home here. I feel like I am working at a job site and on Friday I will be getting back on the plane and heading home after getting the job done. But, every day feels like it is still only Monday and the job doesn't seem to get any closer to being complete.


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

It is time again

It has been a year... I can't believe it has been that long since I started packing my life in to boxes in my apartment in Tempe, Arizona. I started that job to move across town but ended up moving across the country. I am far far away from where I expected to be one year later.

I think back on it as one of the most sad days in my life... the day I decided to leave Arizona, but, at the time it was a great bitterly happy day. I thought I was moving on with my life. Moving on to other things and leaving some of the hurts and sorrows behind. Most of I created for myself and added to with personal conflicts and intellectualization. My standard defenses against my own failures and shortcomings. Nothing new... I have learned new words to describe myself in recent months.

I started thinking about this because it is now time to start planing for the famous family Turtle Soup day. It is always the Sunday after Thanksgiving and we rent out a fairly large facility to house the number of family and friends that show up. It is still a small number compared to what it used to be in my memories of when Grandpa was still alive. When the glue isn't there any more... things start to fall apart. I don't blame anyone for that... I didn't make it back for turtle soup for nearly 8 years. Now there isn't anything in this world that could stop me from being there. There is nothing like taking an entire morning and working at making something so good as a pot of soup. I love just standing there stirring the kettles to keep warm or running the grinder. Freezing to death just to get the last of the stuff through the grinder before drying off your hands and warming them near the soup. Making soup is something I need to do to feel alive. It is something that makes me who I am. A tie to my past that will never be forgotten. It makes me feel like a kid again.

So this November I will make soup and remember Grandpa again through the tradition he passed on to us. Maybe someday I will have the opportunity to pass it on myself.


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Dreams...

I just woke up from a dream... the kinda of dream that is about the real world and the possibilities of it being true scares you beyond realm of sleep within seconds. Gets your mind moving so fast that there is no way you are going back to sleep any time soon. I have been lucky that none of the dreams I have had turn out to be true as of yet.

Most of the time the dreams like this push me in different directions and cover several things at the same time. I seem to always wake up with peoples names as my first thoughts then comes the situations that brought on the remembering of those names.

These dreams end op making me happy. The subject matters covered in these dreams and resulting reaction to them proves to me that I am exactly who I want to be. My reactions are from my heart and the feelings they invoke make me confident in myself as a human again.


Monday, August 22, 2011

the shadow

A few days ago I had a shadow. Someone asked me if I would allow their kid shadow me for a day. He was a young college kid that doesn't know what the hell he wants to do. I think there are several things this kid was missing. The number one thing is drive... he needs something, an idea to shoot for. Something that will actually make him want to reach for something. It is one of the most awesome feelings in the world to have hand a light to someone and see them grasp it. I don't know if the kid will run with it or not... but the seed was planted. He has potential, as most of us do. We all need to work to turn it in to something great.

The older I have gotten and the more I have seen of the world the more and more I know I am lucky. Really really really lucky... I have a natural drive for what I do. I didn't have to work to find it. It found me when I was young and I grasped it. At the same time, this has made a lot of other things in my life very very hard. Things others experimented with and spent time on I never did. I struggle with life because of that reason. I don't know what I am doing with the day to day of living. Life is a complex painting to me but I see the computer world like it was simple photograph. I have looked at the brush strokes in a paintings and they have always made me wonder how the hell can that be possible to create. It looks random and uneven. A photograph is simple to me on the other hand... something existed and it was captured for all time in a still frame. It makes complete sense how it was made. I can see the pixels and they are perfectly uniform in size and shape and distance apart.

This shadow has made me really think about what in my life has pushed me one way or another. There are a lot of good people from my life that have shaped me. My parents are great people and raised me with a solid base of moral attributes by there simple and solid behavior. They didn't need to teach me anything about it. I learned from what I saw. I have never really had to question what was right or wrong, it is generally just clear to me. That doesn't mean I have stuck within those bounties all my life. I still walk outside them from time to time to breath a little. It isn't easy being 'good' all the time and I am not in my definition, 'good' most of the time. Being good has also become blurred as I have gotten older. It just isn't the same as being a kid looking at the future.

There is one thing I never really remember doing as a kid... thinking about the future. I always seemed to look at today and tomorrow, but never next week. I always felt living to far in the future was a waste of today. You have to always be able to change to meet what is coming. I live with the idea that next week is going to be 'THIS WAY' and it ends up 'ThAT WaY' then you area lost for that entire week. We need to use our instincts an common sense more often then we do. Sometimes there are things that happen we will never expect and we can't be rigid when they do or we will break. I have been there, broken and destroyed. Most of the time we survive... but what walks away isn't the same person as we were before. I am still really trying to find who I am after. It is sad but it wasn't until after I broke that I realized I didn't even know who I was. I guess being broken has a way of changing your perspective of your life before being broken. I can't even imagine doing what I was doing before. It was what I was 'supposed' to do. I guess that made me the ridged enough to be able to break when things changed.

Now I literally live day to day. I have almost no outlook of what is coming. I am trying hard to figure something out because I feel lost as is and it is a lot harder to stay sane. But at the same time I know making choices that lock you in to a ridged idea make life even harder. I have made some of those lock me in type of decisions this year out of desperation for something solid. I did it out of the idea that they aren't forever if they are wrong. I know if I am to ever make a real life long choice again... it will take a lot of soul searching to make sure it is right for me.

Everyone needs a push in a direction from time to time but we also need to make sure the direction is right and that the push isn't down a mountain.


Sunday, July 31, 2011

My Name

My name is Andrew. I have many identities. Which one is the real me I am not really sure. Actually I don't' think I have ever been completely sure who I am. It goes along with being lost in this world. Everything I do seems to require a new version of myself to be created. Sometimes I don't' think I can keep them all straight and inline with the people I interact with. But somehow I do.

It isn't often we get a wake-up calls. When I am on a business trip I like to use the feature because it leaves me with a sense of importance that lasts throughout the entire day. Gives my business traveler identity something to hold on to as I work. When I get home I loose that wake-up call and thus the business traveler dies until he is needed again.

It is things like wake-up calls that bring out the things in me that determine who I am every day. It is the days that don't' have those types of triggers that haunt me. It is those days that I have to 'be myself'. When I don't know who I am for real, it is hard to become that person. I see myself as many different things, none I can honestly see when I look at myself through the looking glass of reality. I rely on the triggers to allow me to change to who I need to be. To strip away everything that doesn't have anything to do with what I need to do. To forget about all the other stuff that might get in the way of completing what I need to for today's identity.

For a long time I wasn't even aware I was doing this. It was reflex. Just like now I am plying the role of a blogger because that is what is needed to complete what I decided to do in front of this keyboard. When I blog nothing else matters around me. All distractions are blocked out because the goal of completing the written thought is the only sight I have. There are a lot of times when I read what I have written and I think 'why did I type this?' 'Why did my mind go down this path this day?' I spend hours thinking about it because while I am a blogger things seem different then when I am not. Thoughts seem clearer and sharper then they do before or after. Now that I have realized what I do and partly why, it makes figuring out who I am more interesting. Because I am all the identities that I can become.

I know when I am done with this I will read it and be very disturbed about what I have written. There are many times I think myself a raving lunatic. At the same time I feel as if I am taking a few thoughts about something mundane and turning inside-out and taking it to extremes that I can only imagine to be real. When reality looks at it there is very little that fall in to the that realm. It is because of that I still sit down to blog. I think pushing the limits of what is my reality makes me see what is really there in front of me more clearly. In the end it isn't good or bad but it is my way. It is one part of the full identity that makes me Andrew. It keeps me moving forward in the search of who I am.

There is one fear I have always had about finally figuring myself out. If I ever do then I there will be constrains in who I have to be every day. Just like the business traveler has things he must do, my real self will be held to things. I don't like fitting in to any one mold because I like always being different. Maybe that is who Andrew really is.


Sunday, July 24, 2011

The return

I have neglected my blog for a while now. Something I should be doing. I have my reasons but they really boil down to excuses, so, they don't really matter. What does matter is that I need to write all this stuff down so I don't keep it bottled up.

I am working again. Throwing myself in to a a bit. Not as much as I have done in the past but enough to gain the knowledge and get the job done and a little extra above and beyond. I thought I would feel great about working again. I do in some ways be in others I am still feel a bit lost. This job is more lonely than others I have had in the past. I work with people but we don't work together the same way as I am used to. I knew going in things would be different but I find myself longing for the comradeship I remember from prior jobs. The 'us' against 'them' idea. I guess I have always looked at my work as it was a battle against the hardware and software. There is nothing it can do to keep me from keeping it in line and working like it was designed to do. It makes me smile thinking about all this. It is not every day you think about your job as much more than work. But, like they have always said, "If you love what you do you never work a day in your life". If what you do becomes a job, then it is time to think about doing something else. I know that isn't a option for everyone and it isn't much of an option for me. Even if I thought this was a job, I don't think I would be happy doing anything else.

There is one simple worry that I have yet to find a solution to. Did I make the 'right' decision taking a job that moved me away from 'home'. After spending as much time away from there as I have, going back gave me a happiness I haven't had in a while. It didn't feel good at first, because it felt like defeat. But time showed me that it was my family I missed and didn't know I was missing them. It was being around and having the nieces yell "Uncle Andrew" from time to time that made me feel like I was supposed to be there. Here I am back to being hours away again. this time I can drive down and see them from time to time. But it will never be the same as being right there to go help out whenever they need it. Or just show up out of the blue to say Hi.

There are other things not really going all that well here. I have never been rich or made a ton of money. My work ethic and knowledge has always provided for me. I hate take steps backward. It is demoralizing. It is hard looking at your budget and knowing that you only have scraps available to be able to have a life other than home and work. And sometimes not even that. I have lived like this before and more often than I care to admit. Most people think that jobs pay you to get what you need to live and a little extra to have a life. But there are a lot of us that don't make the money needed to have extra. I was thinking the other day about being single and how alone I was feeling... most of the single people out there know what I am talking about. I know I should be out looking for someone to fill that void. My job and life doesn't support that idea. Yeah that is the backward way to think about it compared to how we expect it to be. I may have different feelings on this than most people but the After School Specials never showed that sometimes reality doesn't allow people to live first and work second. Sometime work has to come first so that life can be maintained. I am not saying money is everything... but money allows you to do things that make life better. Cooking your own food at home is great, I love ever minute doing it, but, a nice meal at a good restaurant with friends can make even the worst days feel like sunny day in the park. I haven't always been good with my money. But I have paid for those mistakes several times over and I have worked hard to fix and move on from those. There was a photo of a line graph shared by a friend on facebook some time back. It was Prestige over Time. There were two lines: Expected Career Path - a nice 45 degree upward climb, and Actual Career Path - a line always lower then the expected, jumps up and down, and seems to always get further away from the Expected line over time. The space between the lines was colored in and labeled Why We Drink. I feel like I am on the down side of one that line right now. The drinking part left out it is exactly how life goes sometimes. Those that stay on the expected path have to choose work over everything else in order to stay on that line. I don't expect to be on the line. I just want to be above the line that was missing... the comfort line.

They say with age comes wisdom. I agree with that statement, but it is more about time then age. As you get older you had more time to ponder ideas and figure out more closely there true meaning. IF you don't take the time to think, wisdom will never come.


Friday, July 1, 2011

The Hindrance Dream

Yeah the title says a lot. it takes a lot to realize that your own faith in your dreams are holding you back from doing things that may lead to a better you and a better life. I can't go in to specifics about the dream because it involves other people. I don't like discussing those kinda topics anyway. It is hard to separate what would and would not be offensive.

So in an effort to avoid the entire thing I will take about other things sort-of related to the subject at hand. Because it is the only thing I have been able to think about for a long time there is no other subjects. So this will be a short post.

Have a great fourth of July everyone!!!


Monday, June 13, 2011

Blogs, what they mean

There are a lot of days that I am down on myself. I don't like the person I am. It isn't every day but most of the time it seems to be the days that count for something. Those days that seem to require me to think about the future or make changes. Today was one of those days. It was a day when I realized I need to step up and be more than just the smart intelegent person that I am. I need to become part of something bigger then just the world I have seen and expand myself.

Days like today are scary. Once I see the need to grow, I feel I am compelled to do it or be deemed 'failure'. It reminds me of the day I attempted to climb Camelback mountain. I didn't even make it half way up. I was a lot more out of shape now compared to now, well maybe, but the idea of failing don't feel very good then. I am sure it would feel worse now. The problem now isn't that I can't do it like on the mountain. It is the fact it is going to take a lot of hard work and a huge amount of learning on my part to do the work correctly. I fear it may take me too long to get everything down and I will have to wing it for a while. I don't like doing that. I like knowing what I am doing and if I don't I like figuring it out at my pace. It makes me afraid that I may not be quick enough for what is needed.

When I start feeling like this I want to kick myself. I know doing that only makes it worse. So I am blogging instead. My blog therapy like I have been known to call it. It takes time and brainpower to type up a blog. It is the brainpower needed to get down on myself even more. I am able to think though all my ideas and feelings. Put everything in to words that I am thinking. To lift the burden of weight off my shoulders. I don't think it would work the same if I knew I wasn't publishing it to everyone on the planet. There is something to say about one way anonymous sharing. I don't know who reads it just the that there are always hits on my site after a post. Sometimes when I write I think of someone specific reading the blog. I write as if I was them reading it. It is never the same person and I don't even know if they read it or not, that isn't the point. I don't think It changes the outcome of why I blog but it does help me think about the ideas I am writing about from other points of view. I try to see it from someone else's eyes.

Reading what I just wrote makes me sound like I am writing to please other people with my writing or be 'like' someone else. It isn't like that. It is just not easy for me to describe what I do when I am typing. At one time I needed inspiration to blog. I am finding that with the more I blog and the more blogs I find myself reading, I am challenging myself more to describe the 'hard stuff'. I am treating it more like I do everything else in my life, it is something to overcome and become the best at. I will never be great but I might just be good someday.

Until all the challenges are met in my life. Blog therapy is here to stay.


Thursday, June 9, 2011

Chapter ...

Every time I turn around there is something starting anew in my life. It doesn't always seem to come when or how you expect it. I thought moving away from Arizona would be my fresh start. A way to stop seeing the reminders of the 'good-ole-days' and the bad ones too. That didn't work out the way it was supposed to and I ended up back home sleeping in the same bedroom I when I was young. When I first found out about my misfortune I considered going back to Arizona right away. But I was already too defeated to face the life I left again so quickly.

Living here in my hometown now that I have grown up and seen some of the world a little has been an eye opening adventure. The people I left behind here have changed, or at least I see them more clearly for who they are. There is one thing that hasn't changed one bit, my memories of growing up here. I have spent a lot of time thinking about those memories over the last 5 months. Thinking back over all the stupid mistakes and childish bull shit I used to cause and all the fun, pain, laughter, sadness, and joy. It is surprising when you think about everything you lived through that it all combined together created who you are. I think I have taken too much credit in the last several years for the role I truly played in my personal mission to become a better me. I think everything was already there just hidden by all the BS I and the world built around it. Every day I spend here shows me something I missed or misunderstood as the child that left here. I think I know now a little of what it means to grow up. I still hold dear to a few child-like parts of myself. Without them I wouldn't be me.

These last few months have felt like a word from the author stuck between chapters. I have weathered this douldrum fairly well. At first I threw myself into this big idea to survive and try and forget what was happening. It was and is a great idea but dumping everything I was in to it almost smothered it. The idea is still with me but I am not devoting everything to it anymore. I am letting it build upon itself. Maybe I can devote more time to it in the future but for now it is just an idea that I can't make become reality overnight.

I hope that this new start is actually the new chapter I was looking for. It isn't where or when or how I planed it but none of us can know the time or place.


The Next Chapter is coming...

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Another pause in posting

This time technology is to blame. With the upgrade of my Motorola Droid to a Droid X2 the Wordpress app is crashing. With that being my main access to the internet, the lull in posts will continue until it is repaired by the dev staff. :(

On the bright side, not having the ability to post may have saved me from posting things I shouldn't have.

Until the update... don't do anything I wouldn't. lol


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Finishing last

When there is someone in your life make sure they are part of every thought and or decision you make. Think about what you do before you act. Make sure what you do doesn't effect them negativly. Do the little things right: like not waking them up in the morning because you have to go to work early, Be quiet and don't turn on the lights when they are sleeping. Work hard to provide what you can. Discuss things and make sure they agree before spending lots of money.

I used to think getting the little thing right was most of what it took to show 'love' for someone. But when they don't even notice what you do for them it really beggs the question if any of it even means anything. Don't get me wrong I think they are still important. Mainly because they are all things I would want someone to do for me. It is more about respecting the person you are with then the big idea of 'love'. I say this because I would treat everyone with that same respect, if I loved them or not, it is just who I am. Now I have a problem! If most of what I do to show someone I care I would do for anyone out of pure respect then there is little left for me to do to show them more. It leaves me walking a fine line from being an asshole or a caring person.

So for the last several years I have struggled with this situation. I haven't found the answer yet but I do know few things that don't work now. I always assumed when I was younger that when you "fell in love" it would just feel different and certain things would just make sense all of a sudden. That isn't how it works... there is the whole love at first sight thing that I still don't quite buy, but I am not ruling it out as possible yet either.

Maybe I just walked into a cause of why nice guys finish last. Because we are nice to everyone no one person ever sees how much we really do care. Maybe we have to figure out how not to be nice just to be noticed.


Monday, May 16, 2011


I once wrote that in order to be ok with someone else in you life you have to be ok with yourself first. To be happy with one's self allows you to be happy with others. I believe this is still kinda true and for a time I was really close to being happy with myself. But as I really thought about it, it wasn't happiness as much as being content with who I was striving to be. The personal outlined view I painted of myself. I was on a track to being right with me. I decided then that being happy wasn't the goal. It was a side effect. I havent been truly happy in a very long time. It has been so long that I have forgotten what it means to feel like that. I feel like I am cracking.

I know in my mind I feel like I do because I have nothing else to do but put time in to think about everything I have lived through. The good, happy times are harder to think about then the bad times because I miss them dearly. I know a lot of those days were happy because I was ignorant to the truth and what cruel things people do to each other. Ignorance is sometimes bliss and there is no going back after Pandora's box is opened. We have to deal with the realities that now invade our nightmares. When I was young, I was scared to death of the movie ET. I never believed that anything would scare me more. I was very wrong.

I find that my "sheltered" life has left me as naive as they come. I have been blind sided with emotional and anxiety issues. Now I am more timid than I have ever been in my life. I refuse to take chances even if I know and convinced myself I need to do it. I scare myself out of doing some of the most simple social things most people take for granted. My comfort zone has gotten so small that I fear there is no room for anyone else.

I discovered through everything that I would never really be happy alone. That being just me doesn't make me complete. That without someone with me there will always be a hole that will never be filled. I may be wrong about this, like I have been many times. If I am then my past has taken more from me then I realized and filling the gap will be a lifelong struggle. If I am right then to be complete I will be in for the harder more urgent struggle. Trusting someone enough to allow them to see and touch my heart. To allow out all the emotions I know are locked away inside. To allow joy to be part of my life again without flinching away. To maybe feel some of the scars heal.

Right now I feel I am cracking, like my struggle will end before it begins. But I don't want to admit defeat.


Saturday, May 7, 2011

Another attempt

I have attempted several times over the last few weeks to start writing a blog, complete it, and post it. I have been unsuccessful as you have noticed. I have just undergone a major change in my life that was forced upon me without warning. It is taking me time to adjust. to figure out who I am again. I do not have the best track record of making quick and orderly returns to stability. I have found myself living a life I don't want. Dreaming of a life that I do want and of a person that I no longer know.

It has taken this last sudden jolt to make me really come to grips with the reality that I am a dreamer. I have spent too many years dreaming of a great life that I forgot to live the one I am in. That is at least how I feel right now. I feel like I am no older then I was when I was 13. That is when I was exposed to things in this world I didn't understand for many years. I made myself believe I understood what was happening and buried everything I didn't. It wasn't until many years later that I realized I didn't understand any of it. I was a pawn. I was used as a spy to collect data about things well beyond my years. I see now it was then that I diverted from the path of reality and it has completely changed the direction of my life. I am still trying to find myself in the confusion that has resulted.


Tuesday, April 19, 2011


It always gets me in trouble. I have had too much time on my hands and I have ended up doing to much thinking and not enough blogging. The worst problem is I can't blog about what I have been thinking. I have tried but there seems to be something holding me back.

So in the constant boring time I have I am putting more effort to research schooling choices and possible non skilled jobs to help with the cost of schooling. A good evening/third shift job would be good for now. Then branch out when I get a better grasp on some new skills I will be in school for. I will be gaining confidance in some areas where my experience hasn't given me the best knowledge of details.

I wish there was something I should do at this point, but it seems that time has been my worst enemy. I have never been good at waiting for things to happen. I am a tech geek... almost everything I do has an instant effect. People around where I live now don't seem to understand that idea. I can't blame them for not knowing about things they have only seen in movies. It is amazing to see for some of us... but there are areas of the US that have no High Speed internet access available to them. I live in one of those areas!


Sunday, March 27, 2011


Free time. Many of us wish we had more of it. It allows us to do the fun things in life outside what is required or demanded. It us to relax from the day to day struggles that keep us stressed and tired. For me free time is different. It gives me time to think, to dream, and to remember. None of these are good things for me.

I am not the person that needs more time to think. I already over think everthing. By now everything in my life has been went over at least several dozen times. Each time with new ideas making minor changes to the situations and deciding what would happen 'if' this or that. It is like working through your own life as if it were a chess board. Trying to see every possible move 10 steps ahead. I am alreadying planning what I should be doing through the first week of May 'if' everything works out next week as planed. I am driving myself insain.

the excisive thinking causes a lot of problems in the dreaming area. It is fine to have dreams. Dreams of reaching goals or dreams of someing nearly unatainable. To dream of worlds and ideas it what makes us creative and inovative. But when you have too much time like me and you over think everything like me, you end up doing what I do. I take my dreams and mix them in to my chess board. You can imagine what that combnation can result in. I find myself feeling being lost in a chess board filled less and less with reality.

Then I start to rememebr what it was like to have a porpose in the real world. A reason why I got out of bed. I start to think back further to the times when I was happy, to the times I was in love, the times I was sad, and the times I was in pain. The good times and the bad times all make me feel sad now. the good times because I miss them, and the bad times because they gave me reasons to be better. I can't describe now as a bad time or a good time. It is just open, free time. Too much to do with no way of doing anything. I can't describe the almost empty feeling this leaves me with.

Time is a river flowing through life... right now I am addrift but there doesn't seem to be any currents.


(Posting this one without proofing it... sorry ;) )

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Trying to blog... can't seem to get anything to come out of my head that makes any sense. I makes me feel like I am a damn about to break when I have stuff all being held up by my inability to put it in to words! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

OK... going to stop now. If I don't, I will end up writing something that will end making me feel worse then not writing at all.

Good night!



Why do I do this to myself? I have been dreaming too much again. I have been seeing something and believing something isn't really there. Just when I thought I might have myself under control, I go and get myself all worked up over things that may not even come true and then I apologize for myself. I don't understand me! How the fuck am I going to make something of myself in this state. I am a bumbling fool. So I guess I need to forget myself for now... be something I am not because that seems to work, at least for the short term.

I don't believe I can really think in the short term. Everything I think about is in the long term logical fashion I know. I never think about things being short term. I always see things as being around forever. Maybe that is why I can't let go of many of the relationships I have had in the past. I never was able to see there end even with there ending. I believe almost 100% that I will never be not alone. Even if I find someone that understands how and why and loves the way I see and think about things. I don't believe there is anyone that sees the world as I do. I have an interesting perspective that seems to have a direction of its own. Looking at the world as if it is only the landscape in which we exist and nothing else. It doesn't have power to change what is happening. It is only the location where we have to do the business of life. Even today with all the rain and other BS... I continued to do what I would have done if it was clear skies or snowing.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.... I am frustrated and done!!!


Sunday, March 6, 2011

Air time

There is something to say about the boring time spent in the air. It is a time I have generally used to think, mainly because there is little else to do. This trip I have found myself thinking about the choices I have made over the last several years. The more I look at myself through my choices the more stupid I feel. How little forethought I have had. I know hindsight is more 20 / 20 than at the time you have to make choices... but I still wish I would have thought things through more completely before acting. I am really seeing now how much I have wished or dreamed things to be. Letting life just happen as it would with only my hope everything would turn out great in the end. I have spent too much time dreaming like this and not acting to make it come true. Every day I have great ideas about what to do and do nothing with them. It is as if I only have the balls to dream of greatness not to grab it when it is right in front of me. Becoming who I am to be isn't as straight forward as I thought it would be.

With this in mind while I sit on this plane waiting for the ground to be back under my feet. I want to put in to words a few of my dreams. Before I do I need to explain something about where I am at. It hasn't been easy for me to decide what it is I want from life these last few years. I have found out by trial and error there are a few things I don't want. Just a short time ago I was sure I didn't want children. I was happy being the lowly tech guy worker. And I was happy being someone who needed things to make his life feel like it had meaning. I don't know what I want from life. But I do know that these ideas I knew were solid are no longer so.

We all dream of many things. In general, I dream of a life where my life has 'true' meaning. Where what I do in my life leaves a mark on someone else's life. It is less about being remembered and more about knowing that I made a difference. That I made someone else's life better because of what I did with my life or in my life. I know I have left marks in this world already. I feel my path has so far been riddled with destruction as I pass by. Trust me, I know I am my own worst critic in these matters. I have left a few good things behind me too, but, they don't reach the bar I have for myself. I also have one very specific dream right now. There is someone in my life, someone who though-out everything and many years is somehow still part of my life. You can't really call a person a 'dream'. It is more like having a feeling about a person that you know is perfect and right and awesome but at the same time have no idea what it means or why you have it or what to do with it. In short, I feel like I am party insane! I have tried very hard not to choose paths in my life because of this 'dream', but you can't just ignore it all the time. So every time I made a choice I questioned my motives over and over again until I was convinced that it didn't effect my decision. Now, I wonder that in-spite of and because of my efforts I have chosen the wrong paths all these years. Maybe I should have been running toward this dream. Maybe I was avoiding my destiny. Then again... maybe I needed to take the long road around, you can't have a great destiny without the journey.

Here is to hoping all our dreams and 'dreams' come true.


Monday, February 28, 2011


For the last few weeks I have been reading this blog every morning when I wake up. It is an inspiring blog written with emotion and honesty. I can not relate to everything the writer is going through right now as I do not have children of my own but so much of it reminds me of how and why I started blogging. I empathize with the writer as I understand what feels like will be an endless battle against the entire world. It makes me want to be there for them. To give them a hug and help in any way I could. I may never meet the writer to do those things. But, I know them in a way better than those that have. I can see a raw and unfinished side of them through the words. The picture I see is something wonderful. My heart goes out to them in their life struggle. I wish them the best and encourage them to continue.

Someone once told me they felt like they knew who I was through my blog. I understand how they felt now. I know there is more to us then what we but in our blog. Everyone has to censor some things when you know it is out in the public. I have posted my share of things that I shouldnt have and dealt with the fallout from them. It isn't easy when you want to pour everything out in to a puddle of words and let everyone see. But if not done carefully someone will jump in your puddle and make it all muddy.

I like having this blogging friend. You inspire me to continue.


Thursday, February 24, 2011

Not knowing

As I sit on my ass waiting for the next thing to happen. It is killer not knowing when or how or if anything good will come from it. Waiting sucks in itself, but waiting for the unknown is worse. I am thankful that I only have one more week of this waiting left. Then it is off to help a friend for a few weeks and then back to start working at moving forward. It shouldn't take long to get things moving after all my restrictions are removed. Until then...


Monday, February 21, 2011

One more day

I hate waiting! I hate the feeling I get when I am forced to sit and do nothing. If it were only a few hours I would be fine with it. But I am in a situation where I am forced to wait for weeks and there is nothing I can do or do about it. I am almost to the point where I am going to start ripping my own hair out. Why does everything take so LONG!!!

I think I am going to continue waiting in my sleep now.


Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Simple Life

So I live back home where life as I remember it was simple and easy-going. It isn't like I remember. Life is hard out in the middle of nowhere. There isn't much to do or places to go but there is more than enough work to keep you busy all day and night. The simple life as I saw it growing up and early adulthood isn't as easy-going as it looked. Every time I look at my days they seem to be packed with things to do, places to go to get supplies to work on something, or just working hard just to stay warm. Some of the work is just because it is winter. But most of it is because that is how life is here. It isn't complex as the social world I have lived in the last years, but it isn't easier by any margins either.

I have had my fair share of issues because of growing up out here. But living here had taught me more about growing up and how to survive than anything the social or city world could ever offer. There were times not very long ago I blamed my problems trying to interact with people on what most people would call a backwater style of living here. I have since seen all of this from a glass half full perspective. For the little I lost because of this place I have gained knowledge and experiences that so few will ever know. It has shaped me in to the man I am today. My work ethic, my nearly uncompromising since of right and wrong, and my internal struggle with defining myself. It is this struggle that has pushed me to become more than I am, to grow as a human person, and to strive to find a place where I belong. Right now I am not the person I want to be. It is a road and a journey that I hope I will never give up on.

Some people live their entire lives content with where and who they are. They believe they are everything they need to be, or at least pretend to. I pity these people... they are too scared take the steps to change. They are locked in place by everything around them. I am not the best at this myself. I allow so much to pass me by because I don't have the balls to grab what is in front of me. It isn't an easy thing to step out from the shell you build around yourself. But with time and willpower it can be done! I hope that I reach the goals I have in mind and find new higher ones to keep reaching for.

Yeah life isn't the same all the way out here... but I wouldn't trade it for a day-to-day city routine. Maybe I found where I should be!


Saturday, February 5, 2011

Another sleepless night

As I sit through another sleepless night pondering the next days events. I find myself thinking about how I arrived here and how I am going to go forward. It isn't easy letting go of the road behind, washing your hands of the last setback, and looking to what is now an unknown future. It is like looking in to a dark abyss that is tangled with roads leading in every direction, crisscrossing, taking steep grades both up and down.

My future is a completely blank slate right now. It makes me very nervous!! Over the years I have had trouble and setbacks, but none have been exactly like this. Because of the recent great things that had happened, I was in a state of transition to something new. I now feel stuck in that transitional state. Like everything and yet nothing is before me. In some ways this feeling of being stuck has been around for longer than just last weeks setback. I have been stationary since I decided to move out of my apartment in Tempe back in September! I feel like it is time for action. But with so many options and choices and possible end results, how and where can I start?

Is it possible to really have a blank slate after all these years? Is it really possible to "start over"? It makes me even more nervous to think that this might actually be happening! That for the first time I can remember in my life, I am totally and completely free! I have almost nothing holding me back from doing anything in the world I want to do! It is a scary and inspiring truth. Being this free makes me yearn for the oppressively happy feelings and happenings of everyday life. The day-to-day worries of living ones life, the responsibilities for yourself, your friends, and your family, and the love and joys and happiness of just being alive. I don't feel any of those things right now! My life just feels simply, on hold. Like someone hit pause on the DVD of my life.

Even with this only being a short part of my life, I feel as if it maybe the most important time. As I think I have a once in a lifetime opportunity to cut in a new plot before the DVD starts playing again.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Just a little something from my head

Today was a devastating day for me. I want to shout and scream and yell and get drunk to help get rid and forget all about it. I can't do any of that! My words are tied in the unforgiving world of legal and personal ramification of what I say and what I don't say what I do and what I don't do. I was angry and distraught but somehow I have kept my cool. I have kept my 'demons' in check. I willed them away with logic, inelegance, and just simple desire. The desire to be something more than an animal ruled by negativity and desperate despair.

I look at myself right now in wonder at my own strength. The ability for me to show such level-headedness as my father would put it. To enguage the world that seems out to get me with calm and deliberate actions. To reach out for help even when I am the suborn one that always needs to 'do it myself'. It dawns on me after all this time of being a that type of man, that I was wrong. Learning isn't a single persons adventure in to the unknown, it is an adventure filled with connections of friendships, and relationships, and lovers, and battles, and compromises. Every connection shapes who you are. Everything you think you are alone, you really have everyone and everything you have ever seen with you. It is a group effort to survive and prosper in this small and unrelenting world.

I wasn't just wrong, I was un-evolved. I can see where I may have been drawing on my instincts to guide myself. Seeing everything as a battle of the fittest. As out prehistoric ansestors may have done. Banging on my chest as if I were calling to the world that 'I can stand alone' , 'I need no one'. In reality the fittest is the person that can step back, see the situation, and call on help from the connections he has made. Connections he has built with his and others futures in mind. As others need him he would be there for them as they would be there for him.

It is fitting that earlier this week I stated in an email to one of my friends as a a your welcome. "Someone once told me that friends and family are important. I like to help those where and how I can!"
In that simple statement I find great meaning about who I really am. About my feelings and about the things I have lost and the things I have thrown away. My mistakes have cost me so much, yet I have gained more than I could have dreamed.


Sunday, January 16, 2011


Does everything happen for a reason? I hope so... It would be a very uninteresting world if everything just happened. I am not one to believe in a grand scheme for everything. I refuse to believe the future has been pre-written, but sometimes it is hard to ignore that some things just fall in to place like they were meant to be that way. It is the little things like that that keep my faith where it is. Like my recent move to Florida.

If I would have gotten the call about this new position the following day, I would not have been able to accept it. I was planing on signing a one year lease for a new apartment near the Biltmore area in Phoenix that afternoon. So there was the first thing that fell into place for the move. The rest that started happening is just because of my own hard work and desire to make it work. I found possible places to live quickly and started figuring out all the details of what it would take to actually make the move. I planed a trip down to the area to see places to live and to find out some details of what areas to look for a home. In the end I made it happen.

I can't really say I believe there is something driving the outcome of life. Sometimes things happen that just can't be explained and you just have to have faith. But remember you make your own good things happen. Don't rely on destiny or what ever you call it to shape your life for you.


Wednesday, January 5, 2011


I have made it no secret... I love beer! Beer is the friend that never talks back or gives opinions. It has been a trusted ally of mine for several years. It is one of my crutches, the thing I fall back on when I don't know what else to do. It isn't the best crutch but when I have a beer in my hand I know where I am and why. But beer is even more than that to me now. It is something I not only use... it has become something I truly enjoy and respect.

Creating a beer that is outrageously good isn't easy. There are thousands and thousands of beer choices out there. I like to think I have seen a lot and tried all that I have seen, but I cannot claim it is true. I have spent some time recently researching beer a little closer. Learning about how it is made and what it takes to create great flavors. It isn't simple!! Some of my favorite beers are generally not part of the wider market of beer. The Craft brew market is growing fast. 2010 it is estimated to reach close to 9% of the over all beer market in the US. This is from over 1600 breweries. Each turning out multiple types and styles of beer. That put us in the 10 thousand range in the number of beers available to the market. I have only had a couple hundred at the most and I am the guy that always tries the new brew that showed up on the shelf. You would have to drink everyday none stop for months to try even a recognizable fraction of the total beers available.

So when you drink beer... do you go for the case of Bud, or the 12 pack of Pin Stripe, or the single bottle of Speedway? The three cost the nearly the same. I personally would take the bottle of Speedway any day of the week and twice on the weekends. It is about quality for me. In my past drinking ones self to a drunken state was the point of drinking. For me it is has evolved to being more than that. It is about the quality of what I am drinking. The flavors and overall greatness of the beer itself. I love the odd bottles of beer you don't find but once. Like special edition brews for random events. Like the 16th anniversary collection from Great Divide Brewing Company, the IPA was awesome! Or the entire 30th anniversary of Sierra Nevada. All very very good beers. But they are a once in a life time beer. When the supplies are gone they will never be made again. It is beers like that you can't just walk away from. You cant just not try.

The next time you drink a beer... think about what it is that that beer is to you. Is it just another beer or is it something more than just a buzz?


I want to Blog more!

My life is new this year in more ways than one. So, I am starting something new this year with the help of The Daily Post. I am going to try to write one post a week for 2011.

This is a challenge I am ready for. Something to get me on the right track to start with. Every year that goes by can be a new start if you want it to be. But as we start anew we must always remember the past and what it has taught us.

Here is to all that is new!