Monday, February 28, 2011


For the last few weeks I have been reading this blog every morning when I wake up. It is an inspiring blog written with emotion and honesty. I can not relate to everything the writer is going through right now as I do not have children of my own but so much of it reminds me of how and why I started blogging. I empathize with the writer as I understand what feels like will be an endless battle against the entire world. It makes me want to be there for them. To give them a hug and help in any way I could. I may never meet the writer to do those things. But, I know them in a way better than those that have. I can see a raw and unfinished side of them through the words. The picture I see is something wonderful. My heart goes out to them in their life struggle. I wish them the best and encourage them to continue.

Someone once told me they felt like they knew who I was through my blog. I understand how they felt now. I know there is more to us then what we but in our blog. Everyone has to censor some things when you know it is out in the public. I have posted my share of things that I shouldnt have and dealt with the fallout from them. It isn't easy when you want to pour everything out in to a puddle of words and let everyone see. But if not done carefully someone will jump in your puddle and make it all muddy.

I like having this blogging friend. You inspire me to continue.


Thursday, February 24, 2011

Not knowing

As I sit on my ass waiting for the next thing to happen. It is killer not knowing when or how or if anything good will come from it. Waiting sucks in itself, but waiting for the unknown is worse. I am thankful that I only have one more week of this waiting left. Then it is off to help a friend for a few weeks and then back to start working at moving forward. It shouldn't take long to get things moving after all my restrictions are removed. Until then...


Monday, February 21, 2011

One more day

I hate waiting! I hate the feeling I get when I am forced to sit and do nothing. If it were only a few hours I would be fine with it. But I am in a situation where I am forced to wait for weeks and there is nothing I can do or do about it. I am almost to the point where I am going to start ripping my own hair out. Why does everything take so LONG!!!

I think I am going to continue waiting in my sleep now.


Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Simple Life

So I live back home where life as I remember it was simple and easy-going. It isn't like I remember. Life is hard out in the middle of nowhere. There isn't much to do or places to go but there is more than enough work to keep you busy all day and night. The simple life as I saw it growing up and early adulthood isn't as easy-going as it looked. Every time I look at my days they seem to be packed with things to do, places to go to get supplies to work on something, or just working hard just to stay warm. Some of the work is just because it is winter. But most of it is because that is how life is here. It isn't complex as the social world I have lived in the last years, but it isn't easier by any margins either.

I have had my fair share of issues because of growing up out here. But living here had taught me more about growing up and how to survive than anything the social or city world could ever offer. There were times not very long ago I blamed my problems trying to interact with people on what most people would call a backwater style of living here. I have since seen all of this from a glass half full perspective. For the little I lost because of this place I have gained knowledge and experiences that so few will ever know. It has shaped me in to the man I am today. My work ethic, my nearly uncompromising since of right and wrong, and my internal struggle with defining myself. It is this struggle that has pushed me to become more than I am, to grow as a human person, and to strive to find a place where I belong. Right now I am not the person I want to be. It is a road and a journey that I hope I will never give up on.

Some people live their entire lives content with where and who they are. They believe they are everything they need to be, or at least pretend to. I pity these people... they are too scared take the steps to change. They are locked in place by everything around them. I am not the best at this myself. I allow so much to pass me by because I don't have the balls to grab what is in front of me. It isn't an easy thing to step out from the shell you build around yourself. But with time and willpower it can be done! I hope that I reach the goals I have in mind and find new higher ones to keep reaching for.

Yeah life isn't the same all the way out here... but I wouldn't trade it for a day-to-day city routine. Maybe I found where I should be!


Saturday, February 5, 2011

Another sleepless night

As I sit through another sleepless night pondering the next days events. I find myself thinking about how I arrived here and how I am going to go forward. It isn't easy letting go of the road behind, washing your hands of the last setback, and looking to what is now an unknown future. It is like looking in to a dark abyss that is tangled with roads leading in every direction, crisscrossing, taking steep grades both up and down.

My future is a completely blank slate right now. It makes me very nervous!! Over the years I have had trouble and setbacks, but none have been exactly like this. Because of the recent great things that had happened, I was in a state of transition to something new. I now feel stuck in that transitional state. Like everything and yet nothing is before me. In some ways this feeling of being stuck has been around for longer than just last weeks setback. I have been stationary since I decided to move out of my apartment in Tempe back in September! I feel like it is time for action. But with so many options and choices and possible end results, how and where can I start?

Is it possible to really have a blank slate after all these years? Is it really possible to "start over"? It makes me even more nervous to think that this might actually be happening! That for the first time I can remember in my life, I am totally and completely free! I have almost nothing holding me back from doing anything in the world I want to do! It is a scary and inspiring truth. Being this free makes me yearn for the oppressively happy feelings and happenings of everyday life. The day-to-day worries of living ones life, the responsibilities for yourself, your friends, and your family, and the love and joys and happiness of just being alive. I don't feel any of those things right now! My life just feels simply, on hold. Like someone hit pause on the DVD of my life.

Even with this only being a short part of my life, I feel as if it maybe the most important time. As I think I have a once in a lifetime opportunity to cut in a new plot before the DVD starts playing again.