Saturday, February 5, 2011

Another sleepless night

As I sit through another sleepless night pondering the next days events. I find myself thinking about how I arrived here and how I am going to go forward. It isn't easy letting go of the road behind, washing your hands of the last setback, and looking to what is now an unknown future. It is like looking in to a dark abyss that is tangled with roads leading in every direction, crisscrossing, taking steep grades both up and down.

My future is a completely blank slate right now. It makes me very nervous!! Over the years I have had trouble and setbacks, but none have been exactly like this. Because of the recent great things that had happened, I was in a state of transition to something new. I now feel stuck in that transitional state. Like everything and yet nothing is before me. In some ways this feeling of being stuck has been around for longer than just last weeks setback. I have been stationary since I decided to move out of my apartment in Tempe back in September! I feel like it is time for action. But with so many options and choices and possible end results, how and where can I start?

Is it possible to really have a blank slate after all these years? Is it really possible to "start over"? It makes me even more nervous to think that this might actually be happening! That for the first time I can remember in my life, I am totally and completely free! I have almost nothing holding me back from doing anything in the world I want to do! It is a scary and inspiring truth. Being this free makes me yearn for the oppressively happy feelings and happenings of everyday life. The day-to-day worries of living ones life, the responsibilities for yourself, your friends, and your family, and the love and joys and happiness of just being alive. I don't feel any of those things right now! My life just feels simply, on hold. Like someone hit pause on the DVD of my life.

Even with this only being a short part of my life, I feel as if it maybe the most important time. As I think I have a once in a lifetime opportunity to cut in a new plot before the DVD starts playing again.



  1. I was recently visiting with an old college professor of mine, George, I hadn't seen in about 5 years. He came to Portland for a day and I was able to have a good long conversation with him.

    George recently (as of 2 years ago) sold his home in Arizona, took the money from that and instead of buying a new house, he made the world his home. He's been around the world twice, he's visited with, and made new friends and family, in Greece, Germany, The Netherlands, England, about 12 states across the Union, and now, at the age of...I believe 58, he is now travelling to India for th first time and probably through Russia and the Eastern European Bloc, if he can get the right papers.

    My point is, he made a fresh start. He's in his 50's and he made a life's plan into a reality. You can make a fresh start, too, wherever you want to go. This is a golden opportunity to work anywhere in the States you'd like to live, as long as you can find a job. Hell, take your Mini and go to England; live in London for a few years, if they'll let you. See what it's like where they do it for real. You have the world open to you, Drew. Don't let the magnitude of it lead you to choose a small option.

  2. London has always been something I wanted to do if I could ever make it happen. Maybe I will retire there, LOL.

  3. What an amazing place to start from! Imagine where you could go and what you could do-anything!!