Sunday, March 27, 2011


Free time. Many of us wish we had more of it. It allows us to do the fun things in life outside what is required or demanded. It us to relax from the day to day struggles that keep us stressed and tired. For me free time is different. It gives me time to think, to dream, and to remember. None of these are good things for me.

I am not the person that needs more time to think. I already over think everthing. By now everything in my life has been went over at least several dozen times. Each time with new ideas making minor changes to the situations and deciding what would happen 'if' this or that. It is like working through your own life as if it were a chess board. Trying to see every possible move 10 steps ahead. I am alreadying planning what I should be doing through the first week of May 'if' everything works out next week as planed. I am driving myself insain.

the excisive thinking causes a lot of problems in the dreaming area. It is fine to have dreams. Dreams of reaching goals or dreams of someing nearly unatainable. To dream of worlds and ideas it what makes us creative and inovative. But when you have too much time like me and you over think everything like me, you end up doing what I do. I take my dreams and mix them in to my chess board. You can imagine what that combnation can result in. I find myself feeling being lost in a chess board filled less and less with reality.

Then I start to rememebr what it was like to have a porpose in the real world. A reason why I got out of bed. I start to think back further to the times when I was happy, to the times I was in love, the times I was sad, and the times I was in pain. The good times and the bad times all make me feel sad now. the good times because I miss them, and the bad times because they gave me reasons to be better. I can't describe now as a bad time or a good time. It is just open, free time. Too much to do with no way of doing anything. I can't describe the almost empty feeling this leaves me with.

Time is a river flowing through life... right now I am addrift but there doesn't seem to be any currents.


(Posting this one without proofing it... sorry ;) )

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Trying to blog... can't seem to get anything to come out of my head that makes any sense. I makes me feel like I am a damn about to break when I have stuff all being held up by my inability to put it in to words! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

OK... going to stop now. If I don't, I will end up writing something that will end making me feel worse then not writing at all.

Good night!



Why do I do this to myself? I have been dreaming too much again. I have been seeing something and believing something isn't really there. Just when I thought I might have myself under control, I go and get myself all worked up over things that may not even come true and then I apologize for myself. I don't understand me! How the fuck am I going to make something of myself in this state. I am a bumbling fool. So I guess I need to forget myself for now... be something I am not because that seems to work, at least for the short term.

I don't believe I can really think in the short term. Everything I think about is in the long term logical fashion I know. I never think about things being short term. I always see things as being around forever. Maybe that is why I can't let go of many of the relationships I have had in the past. I never was able to see there end even with there ending. I believe almost 100% that I will never be not alone. Even if I find someone that understands how and why and loves the way I see and think about things. I don't believe there is anyone that sees the world as I do. I have an interesting perspective that seems to have a direction of its own. Looking at the world as if it is only the landscape in which we exist and nothing else. It doesn't have power to change what is happening. It is only the location where we have to do the business of life. Even today with all the rain and other BS... I continued to do what I would have done if it was clear skies or snowing.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.... I am frustrated and done!!!


Sunday, March 6, 2011

Air time

There is something to say about the boring time spent in the air. It is a time I have generally used to think, mainly because there is little else to do. This trip I have found myself thinking about the choices I have made over the last several years. The more I look at myself through my choices the more stupid I feel. How little forethought I have had. I know hindsight is more 20 / 20 than at the time you have to make choices... but I still wish I would have thought things through more completely before acting. I am really seeing now how much I have wished or dreamed things to be. Letting life just happen as it would with only my hope everything would turn out great in the end. I have spent too much time dreaming like this and not acting to make it come true. Every day I have great ideas about what to do and do nothing with them. It is as if I only have the balls to dream of greatness not to grab it when it is right in front of me. Becoming who I am to be isn't as straight forward as I thought it would be.

With this in mind while I sit on this plane waiting for the ground to be back under my feet. I want to put in to words a few of my dreams. Before I do I need to explain something about where I am at. It hasn't been easy for me to decide what it is I want from life these last few years. I have found out by trial and error there are a few things I don't want. Just a short time ago I was sure I didn't want children. I was happy being the lowly tech guy worker. And I was happy being someone who needed things to make his life feel like it had meaning. I don't know what I want from life. But I do know that these ideas I knew were solid are no longer so.

We all dream of many things. In general, I dream of a life where my life has 'true' meaning. Where what I do in my life leaves a mark on someone else's life. It is less about being remembered and more about knowing that I made a difference. That I made someone else's life better because of what I did with my life or in my life. I know I have left marks in this world already. I feel my path has so far been riddled with destruction as I pass by. Trust me, I know I am my own worst critic in these matters. I have left a few good things behind me too, but, they don't reach the bar I have for myself. I also have one very specific dream right now. There is someone in my life, someone who though-out everything and many years is somehow still part of my life. You can't really call a person a 'dream'. It is more like having a feeling about a person that you know is perfect and right and awesome but at the same time have no idea what it means or why you have it or what to do with it. In short, I feel like I am party insane! I have tried very hard not to choose paths in my life because of this 'dream', but you can't just ignore it all the time. So every time I made a choice I questioned my motives over and over again until I was convinced that it didn't effect my decision. Now, I wonder that in-spite of and because of my efforts I have chosen the wrong paths all these years. Maybe I should have been running toward this dream. Maybe I was avoiding my destiny. Then again... maybe I needed to take the long road around, you can't have a great destiny without the journey.

Here is to hoping all our dreams and 'dreams' come true.