Monday, June 13, 2011

Blogs, what they mean

There are a lot of days that I am down on myself. I don't like the person I am. It isn't every day but most of the time it seems to be the days that count for something. Those days that seem to require me to think about the future or make changes. Today was one of those days. It was a day when I realized I need to step up and be more than just the smart intelegent person that I am. I need to become part of something bigger then just the world I have seen and expand myself.

Days like today are scary. Once I see the need to grow, I feel I am compelled to do it or be deemed 'failure'. It reminds me of the day I attempted to climb Camelback mountain. I didn't even make it half way up. I was a lot more out of shape now compared to now, well maybe, but the idea of failing don't feel very good then. I am sure it would feel worse now. The problem now isn't that I can't do it like on the mountain. It is the fact it is going to take a lot of hard work and a huge amount of learning on my part to do the work correctly. I fear it may take me too long to get everything down and I will have to wing it for a while. I don't like doing that. I like knowing what I am doing and if I don't I like figuring it out at my pace. It makes me afraid that I may not be quick enough for what is needed.

When I start feeling like this I want to kick myself. I know doing that only makes it worse. So I am blogging instead. My blog therapy like I have been known to call it. It takes time and brainpower to type up a blog. It is the brainpower needed to get down on myself even more. I am able to think though all my ideas and feelings. Put everything in to words that I am thinking. To lift the burden of weight off my shoulders. I don't think it would work the same if I knew I wasn't publishing it to everyone on the planet. There is something to say about one way anonymous sharing. I don't know who reads it just the that there are always hits on my site after a post. Sometimes when I write I think of someone specific reading the blog. I write as if I was them reading it. It is never the same person and I don't even know if they read it or not, that isn't the point. I don't think It changes the outcome of why I blog but it does help me think about the ideas I am writing about from other points of view. I try to see it from someone else's eyes.

Reading what I just wrote makes me sound like I am writing to please other people with my writing or be 'like' someone else. It isn't like that. It is just not easy for me to describe what I do when I am typing. At one time I needed inspiration to blog. I am finding that with the more I blog and the more blogs I find myself reading, I am challenging myself more to describe the 'hard stuff'. I am treating it more like I do everything else in my life, it is something to overcome and become the best at. I will never be great but I might just be good someday.

Until all the challenges are met in my life. Blog therapy is here to stay.


Thursday, June 9, 2011

Chapter ...

Every time I turn around there is something starting anew in my life. It doesn't always seem to come when or how you expect it. I thought moving away from Arizona would be my fresh start. A way to stop seeing the reminders of the 'good-ole-days' and the bad ones too. That didn't work out the way it was supposed to and I ended up back home sleeping in the same bedroom I when I was young. When I first found out about my misfortune I considered going back to Arizona right away. But I was already too defeated to face the life I left again so quickly.

Living here in my hometown now that I have grown up and seen some of the world a little has been an eye opening adventure. The people I left behind here have changed, or at least I see them more clearly for who they are. There is one thing that hasn't changed one bit, my memories of growing up here. I have spent a lot of time thinking about those memories over the last 5 months. Thinking back over all the stupid mistakes and childish bull shit I used to cause and all the fun, pain, laughter, sadness, and joy. It is surprising when you think about everything you lived through that it all combined together created who you are. I think I have taken too much credit in the last several years for the role I truly played in my personal mission to become a better me. I think everything was already there just hidden by all the BS I and the world built around it. Every day I spend here shows me something I missed or misunderstood as the child that left here. I think I know now a little of what it means to grow up. I still hold dear to a few child-like parts of myself. Without them I wouldn't be me.

These last few months have felt like a word from the author stuck between chapters. I have weathered this douldrum fairly well. At first I threw myself into this big idea to survive and try and forget what was happening. It was and is a great idea but dumping everything I was in to it almost smothered it. The idea is still with me but I am not devoting everything to it anymore. I am letting it build upon itself. Maybe I can devote more time to it in the future but for now it is just an idea that I can't make become reality overnight.

I hope that this new start is actually the new chapter I was looking for. It isn't where or when or how I planed it but none of us can know the time or place.


The Next Chapter is coming...

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Another pause in posting

This time technology is to blame. With the upgrade of my Motorola Droid to a Droid X2 the Wordpress app is crashing. With that being my main access to the internet, the lull in posts will continue until it is repaired by the dev staff. :(

On the bright side, not having the ability to post may have saved me from posting things I shouldn't have.

Until the update... don't do anything I wouldn't. lol