Thursday, June 9, 2011

Chapter ...

Every time I turn around there is something starting anew in my life. It doesn't always seem to come when or how you expect it. I thought moving away from Arizona would be my fresh start. A way to stop seeing the reminders of the 'good-ole-days' and the bad ones too. That didn't work out the way it was supposed to and I ended up back home sleeping in the same bedroom I when I was young. When I first found out about my misfortune I considered going back to Arizona right away. But I was already too defeated to face the life I left again so quickly.

Living here in my hometown now that I have grown up and seen some of the world a little has been an eye opening adventure. The people I left behind here have changed, or at least I see them more clearly for who they are. There is one thing that hasn't changed one bit, my memories of growing up here. I have spent a lot of time thinking about those memories over the last 5 months. Thinking back over all the stupid mistakes and childish bull shit I used to cause and all the fun, pain, laughter, sadness, and joy. It is surprising when you think about everything you lived through that it all combined together created who you are. I think I have taken too much credit in the last several years for the role I truly played in my personal mission to become a better me. I think everything was already there just hidden by all the BS I and the world built around it. Every day I spend here shows me something I missed or misunderstood as the child that left here. I think I know now a little of what it means to grow up. I still hold dear to a few child-like parts of myself. Without them I wouldn't be me.

These last few months have felt like a word from the author stuck between chapters. I have weathered this douldrum fairly well. At first I threw myself into this big idea to survive and try and forget what was happening. It was and is a great idea but dumping everything I was in to it almost smothered it. The idea is still with me but I am not devoting everything to it anymore. I am letting it build upon itself. Maybe I can devote more time to it in the future but for now it is just an idea that I can't make become reality overnight.

I hope that this new start is actually the new chapter I was looking for. It isn't where or when or how I planed it but none of us can know the time or place.


The Next Chapter is coming...

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