Sunday, July 31, 2011

My Name

My name is Andrew. I have many identities. Which one is the real me I am not really sure. Actually I don't' think I have ever been completely sure who I am. It goes along with being lost in this world. Everything I do seems to require a new version of myself to be created. Sometimes I don't' think I can keep them all straight and inline with the people I interact with. But somehow I do.

It isn't often we get a wake-up calls. When I am on a business trip I like to use the feature because it leaves me with a sense of importance that lasts throughout the entire day. Gives my business traveler identity something to hold on to as I work. When I get home I loose that wake-up call and thus the business traveler dies until he is needed again.

It is things like wake-up calls that bring out the things in me that determine who I am every day. It is the days that don't' have those types of triggers that haunt me. It is those days that I have to 'be myself'. When I don't know who I am for real, it is hard to become that person. I see myself as many different things, none I can honestly see when I look at myself through the looking glass of reality. I rely on the triggers to allow me to change to who I need to be. To strip away everything that doesn't have anything to do with what I need to do. To forget about all the other stuff that might get in the way of completing what I need to for today's identity.

For a long time I wasn't even aware I was doing this. It was reflex. Just like now I am plying the role of a blogger because that is what is needed to complete what I decided to do in front of this keyboard. When I blog nothing else matters around me. All distractions are blocked out because the goal of completing the written thought is the only sight I have. There are a lot of times when I read what I have written and I think 'why did I type this?' 'Why did my mind go down this path this day?' I spend hours thinking about it because while I am a blogger things seem different then when I am not. Thoughts seem clearer and sharper then they do before or after. Now that I have realized what I do and partly why, it makes figuring out who I am more interesting. Because I am all the identities that I can become.

I know when I am done with this I will read it and be very disturbed about what I have written. There are many times I think myself a raving lunatic. At the same time I feel as if I am taking a few thoughts about something mundane and turning inside-out and taking it to extremes that I can only imagine to be real. When reality looks at it there is very little that fall in to the that realm. It is because of that I still sit down to blog. I think pushing the limits of what is my reality makes me see what is really there in front of me more clearly. In the end it isn't good or bad but it is my way. It is one part of the full identity that makes me Andrew. It keeps me moving forward in the search of who I am.

There is one fear I have always had about finally figuring myself out. If I ever do then I there will be constrains in who I have to be every day. Just like the business traveler has things he must do, my real self will be held to things. I don't like fitting in to any one mold because I like always being different. Maybe that is who Andrew really is.


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