Sunday, July 24, 2011

The return

I have neglected my blog for a while now. Something I should be doing. I have my reasons but they really boil down to excuses, so, they don't really matter. What does matter is that I need to write all this stuff down so I don't keep it bottled up.

I am working again. Throwing myself in to a a bit. Not as much as I have done in the past but enough to gain the knowledge and get the job done and a little extra above and beyond. I thought I would feel great about working again. I do in some ways be in others I am still feel a bit lost. This job is more lonely than others I have had in the past. I work with people but we don't work together the same way as I am used to. I knew going in things would be different but I find myself longing for the comradeship I remember from prior jobs. The 'us' against 'them' idea. I guess I have always looked at my work as it was a battle against the hardware and software. There is nothing it can do to keep me from keeping it in line and working like it was designed to do. It makes me smile thinking about all this. It is not every day you think about your job as much more than work. But, like they have always said, "If you love what you do you never work a day in your life". If what you do becomes a job, then it is time to think about doing something else. I know that isn't a option for everyone and it isn't much of an option for me. Even if I thought this was a job, I don't think I would be happy doing anything else.

There is one simple worry that I have yet to find a solution to. Did I make the 'right' decision taking a job that moved me away from 'home'. After spending as much time away from there as I have, going back gave me a happiness I haven't had in a while. It didn't feel good at first, because it felt like defeat. But time showed me that it was my family I missed and didn't know I was missing them. It was being around and having the nieces yell "Uncle Andrew" from time to time that made me feel like I was supposed to be there. Here I am back to being hours away again. this time I can drive down and see them from time to time. But it will never be the same as being right there to go help out whenever they need it. Or just show up out of the blue to say Hi.

There are other things not really going all that well here. I have never been rich or made a ton of money. My work ethic and knowledge has always provided for me. I hate take steps backward. It is demoralizing. It is hard looking at your budget and knowing that you only have scraps available to be able to have a life other than home and work. And sometimes not even that. I have lived like this before and more often than I care to admit. Most people think that jobs pay you to get what you need to live and a little extra to have a life. But there are a lot of us that don't make the money needed to have extra. I was thinking the other day about being single and how alone I was feeling... most of the single people out there know what I am talking about. I know I should be out looking for someone to fill that void. My job and life doesn't support that idea. Yeah that is the backward way to think about it compared to how we expect it to be. I may have different feelings on this than most people but the After School Specials never showed that sometimes reality doesn't allow people to live first and work second. Sometime work has to come first so that life can be maintained. I am not saying money is everything... but money allows you to do things that make life better. Cooking your own food at home is great, I love ever minute doing it, but, a nice meal at a good restaurant with friends can make even the worst days feel like sunny day in the park. I haven't always been good with my money. But I have paid for those mistakes several times over and I have worked hard to fix and move on from those. There was a photo of a line graph shared by a friend on facebook some time back. It was Prestige over Time. There were two lines: Expected Career Path - a nice 45 degree upward climb, and Actual Career Path - a line always lower then the expected, jumps up and down, and seems to always get further away from the Expected line over time. The space between the lines was colored in and labeled Why We Drink. I feel like I am on the down side of one that line right now. The drinking part left out it is exactly how life goes sometimes. Those that stay on the expected path have to choose work over everything else in order to stay on that line. I don't expect to be on the line. I just want to be above the line that was missing... the comfort line.

They say with age comes wisdom. I agree with that statement, but it is more about time then age. As you get older you had more time to ponder ideas and figure out more closely there true meaning. IF you don't take the time to think, wisdom will never come.


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